Memories

Maria’s condition never improved. Every day Shadow was by her side. It had gotten to a point where he told himself that if he couldn’t cure her, he would at least try to make her life less painful. He watched her turn her nose up at food, even refuse to go play or read stories because her poor little body was just that exhausted. So it was exceptionally painful for Shadow to be separated from her.

Maria sulked in her quarters. Her once full soft face was now gaunt and white. Shadow brought her favorite flowers to cheer her up. But just as the two were settling in for cuddles and comfort, Gerald let himself into the room.

“Shadow, come with me. We need to continue our research.” His gruff voice took what little bit of peace and calm the two had away.

Shadow fell into that familiar resignation as he slit off her bed. The sheets were blue and covered in stars. Her favorite blanket was pink with unicorns on it.

“I’ll be back,” He reassured the frail child.

“Thank you, Shadow.” Maria grabbed her bouquet of lilies and sat them by her bed. Then she curled up into her covers as if to disappear.

Shadow followed Gerald but instead of going to the lab, Gerald led him to the elevator. He scrunched his eyes in confusion, “Where are we going?”

“To the lower deck.” Gerald punched the buttons, and they descended, “GUN is asking for more study on your Chose abilities.”

“And does this contribute to us finding cures for disease?” Shadow’s unease grew.

Gerald just looked back at him with an emotionless expression.

Shadow had never been to the lower deck before. The space was darker and colder than the rest of the ARK. It was as if the steel was blue tinted titanium. The first thing that caught the hybrid’s eye was a two-foot sheet of glass that opened up a wall into a massive room. Another scientist caught Geralds attention and Shadow allowed his curiosity to guide him over to the window.

An agonizing bellow met him as he peered through the glass. His eyes shot wide, and his ears pulled back as he took in the sight. A rust red dinosaur stood on the other side. Its skin was cracked and peeled in sheets of dead skin the size of dinner plates. As Shadow looked the creature over, he noticed its wounds. The beast would thrash about and roar and the way it contorted would rip new skin open. As soon as the wounds were made the beast would begin to heal. There was a series of tubes that connected to the monsters’ back and Shadow watched bright blue energy pulsate through the tubes into the creature.

Then the beast bashed against the walls a few times before turning itself around. Shadow saw its eyes and the shape of its head. It wasn’t a dinosaur; it was a salamander.

*Brother* The slits of his puss yellow eyes shrunk.

Shadow reeled. The creature had a voice, but it only spoke directly to his mind. The lizard made its face more visible and revealed to Shadow the extent of the mechanism that wrapped around it. Tubes stretched around its face and protruded from its head. The pulsating of energy acted as an external heartbeat, changing pace with the rate of its breathing.

*Why, brother? Why have they done this to me? My body hurts. My mind is in anguish. Do you not share my pain?*

Shadow didn’t know how to answer, or even if he could. The glass was so thick that he didn’t think his voice could cut through it and he wasn’t sure if he could use the telepathic language the same way it did.

“Shadow. We need to get to work.” Gerald beckoned.

“What is that?” Shadow turned to his creator. He ached inside as it sunk in what he had just witnessed.

“That’s the Biolizard. It was intended to be the Ultimate Lifeform before you, but…we’ve had some trouble controlling it.” His voice was so cold and detached.

“It is suffering. Isn’t their anything we can do to ease its pain?” Shadow heart flowed with compassion.

“Nothing short of ending its life. But we can’t afford to do that, it’s too valuable to our research.”

Those words left Shadow in dismay. How could his creator be so cruel?

Then the epiphany hit. His creator was cruel, not just to the lizard but to him. For so long Shadow dismissed Geralds behavior.

It was necessary to find a cure for Maria.

It was necessary to find a cure for these diseases to help humanity.

Shadow knew he was dangerous and scary to most and he accepted that about himself.

He was an experiment…not a person.

A person. Was he a person? Shadow looked at himself and questioned his own existence and identity. What did it mean to be a person? Was that what he was? Could he be equal to the humans? Or was he only to be under their feet for his whole existence.

Shadow looked back at the creature that called him brother. It shook and writhed in agony as it attempted to bash against the walls once more. Electricity buzzed through the tubes and the beast jolted. Its muscles contracted and then it collapsed under its own incredible weight.

“I know your pain, brother.” Shadow said to the glass.

 

…

 

Doctors Journal:

Physician: Dr. Miles Prower

Patient: Shadow the Hedgehog

Date: June 23, 2025

 

Shadow came to the clinic for his treatment today. He and I had spent the past few weeks discussing possible treatment options. He would get dodgy about a lot of the options I offered him. He knew the chemical names, the drugs, the intricacies of RNA manufacturing and what kind of effects it would have on his biology. He just kept reminding me that none of this was new to him.

‘It won’t work’. That seemed to be his answer to everything. I reminded him of his reasons for trying and that if he keeps saying no to everything then he won’t get better.  That’s when his eyes glazed over. What he said to me next is something that I still can’t shake out of my head.

“Maria tried everything. We tried everything. Nothing worked. Those treatments only prolonged her life just a little bit longer. All she did on that Chaos forsaken ARK was suffer. And I just told her, every time a treatment didn’t work, that we would find a cure. She believed in me. I don’t blame myself for not being able to cure her. My biggest regret is not standing up for her.  She just wanted to go home. She could have died, in her home, surrounded by her family, doing the things she loved in her last days. Instead, she was in that tin can in space, only able to stare out a window at the earth and wish that she could go back. She could have died, peaceful and comfortable. Instead, there was so much suffering caused for the sake of trying to find a cure. And for what? So that she could die at the hands of some trigger-happy soldiers ‘Just following orders’. She died cold and alone on a steel floor. It’s better off for everyone that I accept this as a gift. Mortality isn’t too bad when you start to get used to it. I just don’t want to suffer is all.”

I asked him if he didn’t want to be cured.

Then he wondered if being cured would deny him a mortal life. From what I gathered from studying his DNA and reading over Professor Geralds journals, it’s quite likely that eliminating the mutation would return his healing factor to its original state.    

He stated that he wouldn’t give up his newfound mortality. To him, this disease has given him a chance to truly enjoy life, without fears to hold him back.

Then he told me that he still wants to do the treatments that he’s been doing. They provide temporary relief to his symptoms. There was one treatment that he was eager to get to. I had developed it in hopes to increase his healing factor to combat the disease. The problem is, I could never construct it in a way that would make it sustainable, and it didn’t eliminate the disease. The result could be incredibly dangerous. Once the increased healing wears off, the disease would have free reign again and possibly progress faster.

He told me that it would be nice to have his healing fully back, even just for a night. He had plans to make Sonic’s birthday feel special.

I didn’t need to know the details…

I just agreed to give him the treatment so long as he understood the risks he was taking.

 

…

            June 23^rd, I love you because you are the bravest hedgehog I know…

 

I tossed the note into the box and looked over the pile that had accumulated. What was the word I was avoiding this whole time? Acceptance?

I choked on my breath as I force myself to swallow it, “I can’t save him.”

I knew that was what was going on from the start. I didn’t want to believe that he genuinely wanted to die. I numbed myself and ignored the signs. I lied to comfort myself. And after sobbing myself to sleep in Shadow’s arms the night before, the hopelessness was inescapable.

Against my better judgment, it felt like he was on this suicide mission just to hurt me.

A war broke out in my mind.

One side: He’s right. This is his life and you agreed to support his right to choose. He’s been miserable being an immortal. You knew that when you married him.

I remembered the day we got married. He almost left me at the altar. We had a beach wedding, and I had to leave the ceremony to go find him. He was sulking on a cliff overlooking the ocean as the sunset dipped into oranges and pinks. Even with his forlorn expression, he was so striking in that slim black suit. He looked like he wanted to jump off that cliff and end it all. But he knew full well that it would never work.

I told him we would take it one day at a time. What mattered most was that we enjoyed the time we had together for as long as we had it. Even if it hurts, at least we had that love. At least he got to have me in his life.

On the other side: Raw agony. He was right. I never had to think about living without him. Not once. I would grow old, and he would be forced to watch me fade away. But he would always be my constant… My Shadow.

My eyes pulled tight as I slipped into the wave of agony. My Shadow. A life without him. He was asking me to watch him die. And it hurt too much to think about.

My dark prince. Always by my side.

We never said ‘till death do us part’ in our vows. Instead, we said ‘forever and always’

What did forever mean anyway?

I want to die too. If he gets to wish himself dead, I want to go with him. I can’t live without him. How does he think I am supposed to do this? It hurts so much.

Romeo and Juliet? How contrived. Why was I caving to these dark thoughts? But every time I pictured the hedgehog I married, the dark thoughts returned.

Maybe I could be brave enough to kill myself.

Fuck. I didn’t expect my mind to go that far. I felt stomach acid wash up to my throat. I swallowed it back down and returned the lid to the shoe box.

            I could get you a keepsake box.

I wanted to lash out at the memory of him saying that. I couldn’t cope. The emotions swirling in my head were growing more overwhelming by the minute.

I only glanced at his sleeping form on the bed before it was too painful to continue. Then I tucked the box back in the closet and left the bedroom.

Everything was pain. Seeing my children, greeting Amy, even the summer sun. It all existed to mock my misery. I looked up from the bottom of the void and asked myself if I could ever climb out.

“Have you checked the mail lately?” Amy asked while bouncing Jade to comfort her. The baby pressed against her chest and head over her shoulder.

“I’ll go look at it. Were you expecting something?” I asked, my voice felt like a flat tire being dragged across dirt road.

“I ordered some quill clips for Maria. It should keep the longer quills out of her face and I thought they would be cute.” Amy barely paid me any attention. She was so distracted with the fussing baby in her arms. It was better that way. She didn’t need to see me in this state. To think she always looked up to me as her hero.

I can’t save him. Those words repeated in my head.

I went to the mail box and once again was met with a massive bundle of letters. These weren’t bills, or junk mail. They were brightly colored envelopes. I scattered them out on the kitchen table now filled with curiosity.

Birthday cards? I expected a few but this was more than that. Shadow never got birthday cards. He insisted he never wanted them. Each envelope was a different color, pinks, blues, oranges, yellows and greens. I grabbed the green one, then I read the return address.

            The Greater Balance Fellowship

I was already hesitant to see what it was. Then my heart lashed out in rebellion as I saw what the card was.

A get-well card. It said that we have their thoughts and prayers.

I did not hesitate to tear it to pieces, “Who the fuck do they think they are?! Thoughts and fucking prayers?! A Chaos damn get-well card?! They don’t give a shit about me, or Shadow.” I thought I would break under the heat of my rage.

“Sonic, what is it?” Amy looked at me with exhausted eyes. The depths of her tiredness stung me. I felt so much anger in that moment I didn’t know what to do with it.

“I can’t do this! I’m losing him and…” I stopped myself before I would say anything that would upset the kids. Then my mind shut down.

How am I supposed to be loyal to a faith that is only good for thoughts and prayers? How am I supposed to serve a universe that is cruel, cold and leaves me no answers?

“I’m done.” I told her, my eyes wild with the last string of my sanity, “I’m done, I’m not doing this anymore. I don’t need them, and I definitely don’t need Chaos.”  

“Babe, what’s with all the yelling?” Shadow grumbled from the hallway. He looked as frail as he did before he tried that little experiment the night before.

It jumped on my last string.

I went for the back door and found my altar. I trampled flowers on my way there and snagged the bag of rings in my hand. I took the bottom of the bag and just a few rings slid out onto the ground, spinning before they landed fully and disappeared.

Shadow stepped out of the back door, “What are you doing?” He took that scolding tone he did when I was about to do something stupid.

“I quit! I have no reason to serve Chaos anymore!” I shouted at him.

He squinted his tired heavy eyes and then realized that I had the bag of rings in hand, “Don’t dump them.”

“Why not? You don’t keep rings on you. You have no reason to tell me not to.”

“I never needed rings. My soul is artificial. You still need a connection to the divine.” He stated matter of factly.

I let my eyes glaze and let a few more rings fall out of the bag to watch his reaction, “You always told me that Chaos doesn’t listen to us. Why are you defending it now?”

“Because you need your faith. You have a bond with Chaos that I could never have.” He stepped towards me.

I dumped more rings. Now the bag was half empty, “What does having an artificial soul mean to you? Why do you deny that you can have a connection with Chaos?”

This was a conversation we had when things were a lot calmer. I knew what his answer was going to be, but in this moment, I wanted to hear it again. I wanted him to say what the implications of his wishing himself dead meant. Maybe it would change his mind.

“What? Do you want me to say I don’t believe there is an afterlife for me? Is that supposed to make you feel better?” His voice seethed.

I dumped more rings out. Now the bag was a fourth full, “I never believed that there was no afterlife for you. You seem so determined to just cease all existence. I’m really starting to wonder if you would have been happier if we never got married. Does being married to me make you that miserable?”

“Babe,” He gave a noise that was half groan and half sigh, “I don’t regret a moment of us being married. I don’t regret having children with you. And I don’t regret building this life with you.” He closed the distance between us. I debated on dumping the last of the rings but as he got closer and sunk into the anticipation of his embrace.

Then he stopped just before we were touching. He reached out and took the bag from me, “I think I pushed you too hard. I wanted you to see things from my perspective, but I can see just how much you are struggling now. I’m sorry.” He then reached into the bag. His rubies met my gaze with a loving softness, “How about this,” He pulled out a ring, It glimmered a bright gold in the sunlight, “I will give you a sense of control over the situation. I will wear this ring on a chain around my neck, and I promise to stay with you for as long as that ring is there.”

His word tuned my mania back into melancholy. As I slipped back into the subtle sad feeling I accepted the bone he was throwing at me. “I like that idea.”

His half smile wrinkled his eyes.

“I still think you’re wrong about your soul. But if you’re right, I will fight Chaos myself in your name.” I scoffed.

“Please don’t do that.” He chuckled.

 

…

 

We took the kids out for lunch and afterwards Shadow went an got a dog tag chain for that one, solitary ring.

I don’t know what to call that feeling. The one where you desperately claw for something and when it’s finally given to you, you are filled with regret and guilt. That’s how I felt then. It was surreal to say the least.

Once we got home, Shadow took me to our bedroom. We sat in front of each other on the bed, and I watched him thread the ring onto the chain. The sun coming in through the window made him look like a gentle angel. Not the dark demon I was used to seeing him as, he was as soft as feathers and as light as air.

My heart skipped as he handed me the chained ring.

“I want you to put it on me. It’s my promise to you. I won’t leave you, not yet.” He gave a weary half smile.

I took the chain in my hands and felt the metallic bead and the smooth ethereal gold, “But is this what you want?”

“I think this is a lot for you to understand. Answers usually come easy for you. This is a lot messier than that. Decisions aren’t always a simple yes or no. I will tell you, I may have kept secrets, but I have never lied to you. When I said at the picnic that I don’t want to die, I meant it. And unfortunately, when I said I do want to die last night… I meant that too.” His eyes drifted into distant rifts as he looked down at the symbolic gesture in my hand. “I never wanted to hurt you. I hate how much pain this has been causing you. I have been in your shoes. I watched Maria suffer and I did everything I could to save her. I know you would do the same for me.” Then he held my hand and held my fist closed around the chain and ring, “sometimes it’s so hard to find the right words…” He snorted. Then his shoulders dropped as he found those words.

“I don’t plan to stay with you forever. If there is an afterlife for me, I promise to still be there for you. But for now, I choose to stay. I will stay for as long as you need me too. I want to enjoy every minute we have together. I want to enjoy being in the kids’ lives. I want to savor every bit of life…” Then he smiled, “When you have an infinite amount of something, it’s easy to take it for granted. I always envied your ability to just enjoy the moment as it is. I thought that kind of happiness was out of my reach. For once, while my time here is finite, and despite the fact that the symptoms really suck, I love every single moment with you and the kids. I’m not afraid of the future anymore.” His eyes glimmered with the most earnestness, “This is my gift to you. Security, closure, control. My vow to you on our wedding day stays the same, Forever and Always, I am yours Sonic. I am trusting you with my life.”

My heart fluttered, like the wings of a fledgling flicky, “Turn around, I’ll put it on.”

His smile was a hug to my soul. He turned around, and once he was sitting with his back towards me, I put the chain around his neck.

“Forever and Always, I am yours, Shadow.” I clicked the little metal ball into the clasp. Then I rubbed my hands over his shoulders, “Does this count as us renewing our vows?” I joked.

“Do you remember what our vows were?” He turned back to me, scooting around on the purple covers.

I hadn’t smiled like that in well over a month. I took his hands in mine.

“Shadow, I remember every line.” I closed my eyes and let the memories flood back, “It’s hard to believe we are together like this. When we first met, you hated me, but then again, you hated anyone that got in your way. I think what makes our love work is that we were cut from the same cloth. Two sides of the same coin. It doesn’t matter what we are doing, when we are together, we are unstoppable. I know you have my back, and I adore every bit of who you are. I vow to stand by your side, to support your choices, to be with you even in the darkest of nights. Forever and Always, I am yours Shadow.”

Shadow sat in dreamy silence after my speech but then the expression slowly faded into concern and distress. His eyes squinted to slits and his lips pulled together, tight and pained, “I don’t remember.”

It hurt. It was just another reminder of what the disease was taking from us. I fought the pain and brought myself to smile and comfort him, “It’s okay, I remember what yours was. You told me, ‘You’re annoying, overly optimistic, messy, obnoxious, idealistic and I still ask myself why we have been together all these years. Then I remember, I love all of those things about you. You love life, and you’ve taught me to enjoy life. And when we are together, everything makes sense. I vow to always hold you in my heart, fight by your side against all evil, and love you for who you are. Forever and Always, I am yours Sonic.’ ”

“Yeah, that sounds like what I would say.” He went back to his dreamy expression, but the depths of those rubies were storm clouds.

“I love you no matter what happens. I have been so distant and difficult. I know all you need from me right now is to be supported.” I rested my head against his forehead.

He leaned into me as I did, “Don’t be hard on yourself over this. I’ve been running you through the wringer. I do remember what you said to me before the wedding. We will take it one day at a time.”

“One day at a time.” I agreed.

What was that word I had been avoiding… Acceptance?

Forget the void. Feeling sorry for myself would solve nothing. I once told a young sorceress, that all worlds have to come to an end. It was time that I started living my own wisdom. For Shadow’s sake.  

            June 24^th, I love you because you are not just a hero, you’re my hero

…

Present. That was the goal. This time when I woke up next to Shadow, I pushed past the layers of pain and reminded myself of that. He was still with me, and we needed to make the most of the time we had.

I imagined myself taking some pain medicine and telling myself to push on through. I woke him with a kiss and savored the sleepy look in his eyes when he opened them. As I laid my head on his chest I toyed with the ring around his neck.  He scooped me up and pulled me close.

“Have you considered making a bucket list?” I had to swallow after saying the sentence.

“It’s less of a bucket list and more of a to do list.”  He stared at the ceiling for a moment before reaching back to the nightstand. He opened the drawer and pulled out a yellow note pad.

Still cradled in his arm, I looked over the note pad. His handwriting used to be elegant and purpose full. Now it looked more like wandering scrawl, mistakes and scratches made in thick ink spatters scattered the note pad.

I sunk deeper into his embrace. It was going to hurt every time I got a reminder. I breathed through the wave of pain.

“I know, it’s a mess and barely readable.” He grumbled.

I watched his hands. They shook, ever so slightly. I could tell he was doing his best to control them, but it was frustrating to even try. He put the note pad down on his lap and his face twisted into a grimace.

I unwound myself from his embrace and took his quivering hand in mine. His own pain was eased as I kissed the back of it, “I love you no matter what. I’m not fighting to change the situation anymore. You let me know what you need from me and I will support you through it.” A lump formed in my throat.

“I appreciate it babe.” His eyes were so loving.

“How long have you had tremors, I never noticed.” I sighed.

“It started a week ago. I didn’t want anyone to know.”

“I’ve been so caught up in my own distress, I feel like I missed so much. I regret making you feel like you needed to change yourself just so you could cheer me up.” I ate my own guilt.

“That’s not on you babe. I wanted us to have a romantic night like we used to. I don’t know if we are going to get anymore of those.”

I buried my face in his chest fluff. There was a place between the pain and comfort that I could settle into. Then my changed perspective hit me, Shadow had changed. Not in just how the disease affected him, or how his own perspective on life changed. He changed because he wasn’t an endless commodity anymore, there was a limited amount of him, and it made every taste so rare and delicious.

            When you have an infinite amount of something, it’s easy to take it for granted.

“Let’s make today special. Let’s make everyday special. I want to go to the beach today.” I gave myself permission to enjoy the bittersweet.

“I love that idea. Let’s let Amy know and we can get the kids together. It will be fun.”

…

I was eager to get us packed and out the door. I wasn’t about to go swimming, but I was happy to get the littles in their swim gear. Maria was adorable in her pink flamingo one piece and Zeph wore blue trunks with sharks on them. Amy noticed my change in demeanor as she filled a picnic basket with sandwiches and treats.

“I take it that you and Shadow worked something out?” She raised a brow.

“Yeah,” I gathered towels and life jackets, “We are just going to focus on making the most of the time we have. Live in the present you know.” There was a divide between my heart and mind. I told my heart to shut up.

Amy’s brow furrowed, “I like that you’re acting more like yourself, but I don’t want you to over do it. Please be gentle with yourself.”

“I’ll be fine, Ames. We made promises to each other, and I intend to keep my side of that promise.”

She tilted her head at me as if to dig more into my psyche.

“I’ll be fine.” I huffed, this time making more of an effort to show confidence in my demeanor, “I want to make today properly special. After how messy the birthday party turned out, I want to give Shadow and the kids a chance to really enjoy themselves. No drama, no fuss.” I took a deep breath, “Just making memories.”

I made calls inviting the others. Tails was able to take the day off, Knuckles and Rouge were back on the job. They said Silver created a time loop and his alternate came out evil. I envied them, it would be fun to fight this new evil version of Silver. But it didn’t detract from my desire to enjoy our trip to the beach.

I just had to not think about it too much. Maybe I could pretend that this was any other trip to the beach, nothing out of the ordinary about it.

We all loaded into Amy’s silver SUV. Amy drove, Tails took front passenger, Shadow and I sat in the middle and the kids got back seat. Shadow strung out on the seat so he could snuggle with me. I held his head in my arms and savored the smell of his quills. He always had a musky smell to him that was simply him. It was the bliss of having that right person with that right pheromone signature. He struggled to stay awake on that four-hour drive, but I enjoyed every second of running my fingers into his quills.  

“I’m tired of being tired.” He grumbled at me.

“Maybe the beach will help you get some of that energy back.” I told him, rubbing my hands around the backs of his ears. You wouldn’t know how sore ear muscles can be until you have someone rub them.

He melted into my busy hands and soon he was unconscious and snoring into my lap.

Zeph and Maria bickered at first but then shortly fell asleep and we only took one stop for diaper change for Jade. I watched out the window as the scenery changed from valley to hills and then down into shoreline. The ocean view lifted my spirit alone. The gorgeous stretch of infinite water that never ceased to leave me in awe. The salt on the air was strong enough to be tasted even from inside the car. I pressed my face against the glass and reminded myself to enjoy it.

Sadness as a Gift… I recalled that as a song that I heard Shadow play once. I couldn’t quite remember the lyrics, but I didn’t know how to feel about the title alone.

It was just best not to think about it too much.

We got to our destination and Shadow looked so peaceful when I woke him. We all filed out and set up on the beach.

Amy stretched out a beach blanket and lounge chair for herself and Jade. That little bean was working on crawling and getting good at pushing up. My mind quickly wondered if I should worry about her trying to eat the sand. They sat under an oversized umbrella and Amy settled in, dressed in a red bikini and white sunglasses, with book in hand.

Shadow and Tails helped the kids into their life jackets, and I stood between where everyone was. For a moment I soaked in the briny air and the freshness of the wind, the sounds of the ocean sloshing in rhythmic waves and the warmth of the sun that not only beamed down on us but reflected up off the water's surface.

But as I watched Shadow, Tails and the kids get in the water, a thick sense of dread sank my insides.   

Anxiety. It wasn’t a normal sensation for me and I was really hoping that the anxiety would have stayed at home instead of coming to ruin our outing. But I was forced to listen to the list of what ifs.

I can’t go out in the water with them. It’s not safe.

But I’m being overprotective. They are fine, we go to the beach all the time. This isn’t different than then.

Yes. It is different, Shadow’s not himself.

They got Tails, they will be fine.

I should really go out there with them.

A wave of dread hit me at the thought of being in the water.

No.. It’s fine. If anything happens, I can just run out onto the water and grab them. It will be fine.

My eyes widened as I continued to spiral. It was not fine.

“Sonic?” Amy called for me.

I turned back to her and realized that my tension was obvious. She took her glasses off and beckoned me to come sit with her. I planted on the orange blanket beside her and behind Jade who was chewing on a set of rubber keys.

“I wish I wasn’t so scared of the water.” I fussed, “It’s one thing if I believe I can keep myself above the water and not get wet, but being in it…” My face flushed as I confessed my weakness.

“What did I say earlier?” Amy put the temple tip of her glasses between her lips.

“To be gentle with myself.” I folded my ears over.

“This has been a lot for all of us. And you are used to being able to handle whatever comes our way. It’s okay to struggle, I hope you know that.”

“I’m tired of being an emotional wreck over this. Shadow and the kids deserve better from me.”

“What did you and Shadow talk about? I noticed he’s wearing that ring around his neck now.” Amy sat up so that she could meet my gaze better.

I left her in silence. I really didn’t want to be forced to think about it.

“You need to talk about it. It’s the only way you can process what’s going on.” She scolded, her leaf green eyes settling into concern.

The words settled behind my lips until I couldn’t hold them back anymore. It became emotional vomit, “He doesn’t want to be cured. The ring was his way of promising to me that he will fight to live, but he also told me he doesn’t plan to do it forever. I know he loves me and the kids, but it just feels like he’s deliberately hurting us.”

“He does love you guy’s… I am so sorry Sonic. I had no idea he was at that point.” Amy folded her arms in and her face revealed a wave of pain.

“I don’t think he ever wanted to be cured. I just lied to myself that he could be convinced.” I shook my head as it filled with too many thoughts to organize, “This is all too much. I don’t know how I am supposed to get through this.”   

She and I sat in silence and watched Shadow, Tails and the kids play. The more time passed the more I sank into the moment. Then I noticed something. The way Shadow played with Maria and Zeph. He smiled and splashed them. He took turns carrying them on his shoulders and he chased them around pretending to be a shark. And later on, they all built sandcastles together. Shadow crafted something that looked more like something out of a medieval fantasy novel, it was honestly impressive.

My eyes twinged as I realized what I was witnessing, “I have never, in all my years of knowing that brooding, moody hedgehog, have ever seen him this happy. Is it really taking dying for him to be able to experience this?”

“Shadow’s always been complicated.” Amy sighed, pulling away from her book.

“I think I’m starting to get it. He doesn’t hate life, he just hated being immortal.” It was a strange moment of epiphany. Once again, I wondered how something could hurt and feel so good at the same time. I realized that I had gotten so used to Shadow’s constant resentment of everything in life, I had given up on wanting him to find happiness. Not just the kind that’s fleeting or the instant gratification kind of happiness. The kind of happiness that runs as deep as the soul itself.

How miserable was he, being immortal?

I embraced the mix of feelings. I was ready to join them in their fun.

Zeph and I raced each other. Shadow and Maria drew pictures in the sand. Everyone bullied me into wading into the water but as soon as it lapped up around my tail I panicked and ran back to shore. Tails gave the kids a lesson on tide pools and the eco system. Shadow sat next to them looking like a child himself, listening to this information for the first time.

As the sun began to dip into the distance, Shadow and I went for a walk together.

“You are a whole other hedgehog.” I laughed, admiring the infectious smile on his face. It didn’t matter that he was softer and more open, I loved this new side of Shadow as much as I loved the fierce warrior.

“Am I though? Or is this who I could have been?” His eyes grew distant as he took in the expanse of sky and water. He stopped and sat down into the wet sand, and I sat by him.

“I never got a childhood. This is the closest I have ever felt to that. Maria and Zeph really know how to get it out of me when my guard is finally down. This is what I meant about finally getting to be in the present. What would Maria think if she could see me now?” He basked in the sunlight.

“She would be proud of you.” I smiled at him.

“I’m proud of myself.” His expression faded to a more somber look. The sun glimmered off his eyes making them glow with the memories he was stringing behind them, “I can’t believe I am saying this. But I finally feel like I can forgive myself for all of it. It wasn’t my fault that Maria died. It wasn’t my fault that I couldn’t cure her. It wasn’t my fault that the raid on the ARK happened. And It wasn’t my fault that Black Doom’s been a scourge to the inhabitants of earth. Is… is this what peace feels like?” I watched tears form in his eyes and drip down his cheeks, “I spent so long being told that I was unworthy, I couldn’t break free from it. I believed that I deserved to suffer just for existing.”

With his head bowed and tears dripping down his nose he looked back up to me with a smile that wasn’t familiar to me at all. Usually when he smiled it had apprehension and snark behind it. Even when we got married and had our kids, he held so much fear in his gaze. This smile was sacred. I saw him. He wasn’t the Shadow I thought I knew, but underneath the thick calluses of life there was a person, one who loved life the same way I always did.

“Remember when we first met? I asked.

“I was so bitter and angry.” He squinted his eyes at the sunset.

“You had every right to be. But you know what drew me to you?”

“I think you’ve told me this before, but I can’t find that memory.” He sighed.     

“It was your ruby eyes. At the time I only ever had my handful of friends, and everyone was pretty easy to figure out. Amy’s the passionate one, Tails is the brains, Knuckles is the bronze. When I looked in your eyes, I saw so much depth, I knew there was so much more than the anger that you showed me. I had never met someone so hell bent on destruction before, even beyond Eggman levels of destruction. And yet somehow, as you taunted me, I saw something in those rubies of yours, that wanted me to get to know you.”

“Was it all just a cry for help? I know my memories were messed with by Gerald at the time, but what I felt then was real. I can look back at my life with so much clarity now. This is a lot for me to think about.”

“Do you want to be alone to think?” I smirked.

“Actually, no. You don’t mind sitting with me, do you? This sunset is too gorgeous, not to share it.” His eyes drifted into a dreamy state.

The sunset was beautiful. It was ribbons of color that stretched across the sky and coated the clouds in pink. The water rippled underneath like puddles of paint under the brilliant cascade of colors. And together we cherished it, the beauty of the moment, and the warmth of love between each other. Everything felt right for a change.

We stayed out late. A campfire was built, and as the moon glittered the water in diamonds and the sky shimmered with the vast expanse of stars, I remembered the value of the present. It was the warmth of the fire, the smell of smoke and the taste of sweet marshmallows and savory hot dogs. But what I savored most was the love I felt. Amy’s beautiful heart, Tails’ insights about the mysteries of the universe and my Shadow, clinging to my side. It was conversations like these that fed my mind and soul and kept me curious and full of wonder.

“If Chaos is invested in our lives, you would think we would see more evidence of that.” Tails pondered over his s’more.

“The whole idea of talking to a primordial being is beyond me.” Shadow nuzzled into my chest while I had an arm wrapped around him.

“So why does it matter that I talk to Chaos?” I asked.

Shadow looked up at me and I could see the wheels turning. Clearly, he hadn’t thought too deeply about his opinions on this. “I’m still sorting out how I feel about the divine. I always felt like it was out to get me. Heck, I still do. I guess it matters because I know you need it. And if that connection is real, you need it more than I do.”

“You say you don’t have a connection to Chaos, but I disagree. If you didn’t have a connection to Chaos, you wouldn’t be able to use the Chaos Emerald.” I told him.

Shadow sat himself up and I decided to go for another hot dog.

“I was made using Chaos Energy. My existence goes against the very fabric of the universe.” He turned to help Maria with her marshmallow.

Zeph caught his on fire and Tails put it out for him. The little hedgy ate it anyway.  

“Does that mean that Black Doom goes against the fabric of the universe?” Amy wondered.

“You know the stories that humans make about the devil? I think what they really meant was that piece of shit. I’m sure he tried to prey on earth a few times before I came around. His relation to Chaos is just as much of an abomination as I am.” Shadow’s demeanor darkened.

“You are not an abomination.” Amy argued.

Shadow smirked and gave no response. He may have found self-forgiveness and peace earlier, but there were still demons he wasn’t done fighting.  

I drove all of us home. They all looked so sweet sleeping. I had a hard time staying awake myself.

            June 25^th, no note, We were too busy making memories.

…

Shadow was far from himself the next few days. It was a far cry from the joy and peace I saw in him at the beach. He didn’t talk much but kept a gentle demeanor with the kids. When I tried to talk to him about it, he would just tell me he felt like shit. Knowing that was enough to strangle my insides with guilt. Why did he have to try that treatment?

He never left the house for the next three days. I accepted that he wasn’t up for leaving me any more love notes. Especially after seeing how bad his handwriting had gotten.

What if I wasn’t getting anymore love notes?

 “I got another gene treatment coming up, hopefully it helps.” Shadow sulked over a bowl of cereal at the kitchen table, “I expect the migraines and the constant throbbing headache, but I didn’t expect this whole-body ache.”

I sat with him, my shoulders feeling heavy with helplessness. He really was just expecting me to sit back and watch him suffer like this. I wrestled with my distress, unable to find the words or actions to comfort him, or myself.

Then he slammed his spoon down on the wooden table. His eyes twisting into near horror. His expression sank, his eyes fell inward behind layers of agony. His lips quivered, “Sonic… I can’t remember her. I can’t remember.” He brought his elbows up to the table and tore his fingers into his quills. I could see the desperation in his tensed muscles as he scoured his broken mind, “What was her name?”

“Her name was Maria.” I reached for him.

He relaxed and pushed the bowl out of the way before resting his head on his arms. His breath shook as he fell into defeat, “I can’t remember what she looked like, or how she sounded. I remember that I love her though. I still do.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to keep trying to find a cure?” I held his hand.

“I made my decision. I don’t want to be immortal. We will never find a cure anyway.”

I swirled about in the moment of pain. A part of me resented him for making me sit helpless. Then I had an idea.

“I’m going to call Rouge.” I squeezed his hand before letting go.

“What are you calling her for?”

 “I think she has something that could help.” I found my phone on the counter and leaned against it as I found her contact information.

…

Rouge was there within the hour. Her eye lashes fluttered as she looked over the dejected Shadow on the couch, “You were always so stubborn. It’s a good thing I thought to retrieve this thing.” She handed him a sepia picture of Maria.

Shadow rolled onto his back and snatched it from her. His eyes ate up the picture then they settled into forlorn and longing, “Maria.”

Rouge made him sit up and scooch over so she could perch between him and the arm rest. Shadow never took his eyes off of the picture, even as she brought him in to cuddle with her. There was a time when Shadow refused most physical affection. It was even difficult for me to get affection out of him, but now he was just one big cuddly teddy bear. Desperate for comfort, soaking in every bit of love he could receive.

I tilted my head at how adorable the two looked as Rouge held him and nuzzled his head.

“Why didn’t I keep this?” He pondered; his voice twinged with ache.

“Because you thought of it as your way of leaving the past behind. I never thought that was a good thing for you. The past is what made you who you are. I think we all can say we love the hedgehog you are.” She kissed the top of his head.

“Why do I feel like I don’t deserve this much love?” He sighed.

“You’ve been through a lot, sweetheart.”

Rouge and I shared glances. Something in her expression told me she wanted to tell us something but wasn’t sure if now was a good time.

“Did you find anything out in your investigation of GUN?” I decided to prod as I sat beside them.

“I did. I just don’t know if Shadow is in a place to be talking about it. What I found is deeply troubling.” Her eyes pulled tight as she looked at the both of us.

Shadow sank deeper into her embrace, “Now that you’ve revealed that, I need to know. My imagination is only going to torment me.”

She took a deep breath and pursed her lips, “The scientists at GUN were aware of what Gerald did to reprogram Shadow. Their goal was to either override the programing or make Shadow controllable. But without Gerald, they had no clue how to do it.”

Shadow became visibly uncomfortable, “Of course it’s the traumatic memories that stick with me and not the pleasant ones.” He lost himself in the photo again.

“What did they do to you?” I asked, furrowing my brow.

“I can’t talk about it.” He deepened his place in Rouge's embrace, his face pressed against her breastbone.

“If you don’t want to know the rest I can drop it.” She ran her fingers through his quills.

“Tell me, I can handle it.” His voice was flat and heavy.

She had to take another deep breath before starting in again, “There was a program file I found. Omega spent all night decoding it for me and we got the full picture this morning. There was a proposed procedure. They called it Killswitch.”

“Killswitch, you mean…?” Shadow’s voice ached.

“Yes. The idea was to make you killable. That way if you ever got out of stasis and couldn’t be controlled, they could drop you dead. The proposed procedure would have been a disease that would have had you dead within hours.” She held him tighter.

“This is a murder.” My heart seared and cracked at the realization.

“It looks like this is where it’s going, but there are still a lot of unanswered questions. The file I found said that it was a rejected proposition.” Her ears drooped.

“I’m dying. So, what does that mean?” His voice seethed, “I shouldn’t be dying, and I swear if this is their doing… I’ve never had control of anything in my life. It’s all been GUN. And now they have to have control over my death as well.”

“That’s not true. You still got to choose how you lived and are still living. It’s not over yet.” I settled into the heartache as I tried to comfort him.

He held the ring that he kept around his neck and rubbed it between his fingers, “I don’t think I have ever truly known who I was. I feel so lost. And to think they could have possibly murdered me. I should have never been created.”

“Please don’t say that. You are worth something. In fact, you are worth everything to me. I can’t express how much it’s killing me to lose you. I’m just grateful to have you. Almost ten years of marriage and it’s been the best years of my life.” I gave a weary smile.

“Pain seems to follow me everywhere I go. I just wish I could see myself the way you guys see me.” His eyes looked so sleepy as he spoke those last few words.

“You are worth the world, hun.” She adjusted him in her arms so he could fall asleep comfortably.

            June 26-30, no notes…

            …

Shadow perked up after his next treatment, but not by much. I think the revelation that GUN was more likely behind his death than he originally thought was something he couldn’t get out of his head. But the relief of having his hands back left him playing his guitar as often as possible. At one point Shadow and I discussed whether Maria would be interested in learning guitar. It would take a lot of time and patience, maybe at five she wouldn’t be ready for that.

I think that conversation left him sadder. He never said it, but the way he looked at her and his guitar, I could see the regret. Even if she did take an interest in the guitar, he’d likely not be able to teach her. The thought left me grinding my teeth. But I reminded myself, Shadow made his decision, I promised to support him.

            July 1^st, he filled my shoe box with notes. I couldn’t quite sort all of them out because he didn’t bother to put dates on them. Or maybe it just hurt too much to read them…

            July 2^nd, I love you because you understand my dark sense of humor

            July 3^rd, I love you because underneath all of that bubbly optimism, there is a very wise individual.

            July 4^th, I love you because you gave me a second chance

We had everyone over for a cookout. It was nice to watch the littles play with each other. Ruby was getting the hang of her flying and Arrow egged Zeph into a wresting match. Zephyr got a good lesson on being a good sport when losing. It was rare to see Shadow and Knuckles bond over something but watching their boys rough each other up was quite the treat for both of them. They shared the same sentiment that it’s never too early for kids to learn how to fight. Rouge brought beer and by the end of the night Knuckles and Shadow were drunk and challenging each other to an arm-wrestling match. When Shadow lost, he just laughed about how it’s not fair that he’s dying, giving Knuckles the upper hand.

It was a moment that made the rest of us uncomfortable but both Shadow and Knuckles got a good laugh out of it.

            July 5^th, no note. Shadow spent the whole day throwing up. His sentiment to me when I scolded him,

“I couldn’t get properly drunk before. That is the most hammered I have ever been, and it was fun.”

I just shook my head and rode out the discomfort it made me feel.

            July 6^th, no note.

I watched him sit down with his guitar in the living room as he usually did. I was cleaning up in the kitchen when I noticed him struggling. He would start the song and miss a note here and there, each time growing more and more frustrated. It wasn’t until he sat the guitar down and threw his pick across the room that I stopped what I was doing.

He looked so lost staring at his guitar on the coffee table.

“Tremors back?” I asked.

“They’re worse this time.” He held up his hand and showed me. They shook but the joints stood rigid. He closed his fists, and it took visible effort for him to do so, “Fuck.” He cursed them.

“You got another treatment tomorrow, don’t you? It helped last time.” I sat the plate I was drying down, my gut filling with unease.  

His expression flickered between emotions. I watched for the tells. His ears pulled back, frustrated. His eyes scrunched, pain. His jaw tightened, determined.

He shot up from the couch and grabbed me by the hand, “Come on. I can’t put this off any longer.”

I swam in the confusion as I followed him. We exited the front door, and he had me in the center of our front lawn. He stood with his back toward me for a bit. Then he held up a hand and manifested a Chaos Emerald. It was the deep blue one that Rouge had claimed some time ago.

“Rouge gave that to you?” I asked.

“Yeah, it’s been helpful in giving me some energy but that’s not why she gave it to me. It’s not why I asked for it.” His voice sounded grave. Then he turned back to me, “Catch.”

He tossed the gem, and I snagged it without much thought. I absorbed it into my being and felt adrenalin trickle in, “What is this?”

He had that heavy look in his eyes that tore into me. It was so difficult to hear what he had to say next, “I need to teach you everything I know about Chaos abilities. Someone is going to need to be able to teach the kids after I am gone.”

“No.” I shook my head. It was one thing to look at it through a theoretical lens but now he was making the truth inescapable, “No…I… I can’t.”

“Yes, you can.” He held my hands.

Panic overcame me, like water rushing up over my head, “I can’t. I can’t do it.”

I was shaking as he held my face in his hands, “I told you that I don’t plan to stay with you forever. You have to face it. I am going to die. But you can do this, you are the bravest hedgehog I know.”

“You are still wearing the ring.” I gasped, tears dripping as I looked down at the chain around his neck.

“Yes, I am still wearing it. I am not leaving you yet. But there will come a time when you will need to teach the kids how to use their powers. Black Doom isn’t going to quit just because I am gone. Just remember we are doing this for them, okay?” His voice faded into a whisper as he reached the end of the sentence.

I looked him in the eyes. Those sweet rubies. He needed me to be strong, not just for him but for our children. I swallowed and bit down on the hurt. Then it was like a mental connection formed between us. In that moment, his strength and calm became my own.

“Using your powers will make the disease progress faster.” I blinked back the next wave of tears.

“We have to do this now. If my tremors keep getting worse, I won’t be able to teach you anything. You can do this, babe. I know you can.”

I swallowed again and nodded. I forced my heart and soul to become numb. We are doing this for our kids.

A voice from the back of my mind screamed that I was killing him by agreeing to this.

No, I needed to do this. He needed me to do this. I continued to force the numb. It helped to let my imagination take me back to a time when we were so young. When, I.. Was young.

“I can do it.” I told him with a weak voice.

He let me go and stepped back. Between my memories and imagination, he transformed back into that spry, dark, figure that kept me on my toes for so many years.       

I remembered the first time he confronted Black Doom. So many things seemed to be getting in the way of me getting through to him. If any time he was lost was then and I just wanted him to remember who he really was. The same hedgehog I saw sacrificed himself to save a world that had shown him so little love, all for one promise.

Somewhere in the mix of it, it clicked for him.

Shadow, the dark, oppressive creature that exuded power and control. One that looked down on me and sneered, taunted and teased me, and the same one who always pushed me to be better. That was who I saw when I looked at him. I was fifteen again.

“How much do you remember from what I have shown you before?” He asked, squaring his shoulders.

“The energy runs just beneath the skin. Draw from it and focus it.” I stated.

“I want to know how well you can use Chaos Snap. Show me.” He demanded, his voice taking a commanding edge.

I looked over to the tree line on the far side behind him, “Chaos…”

“No, don’t use the command. Do it with just your mind. This is Chaos Snap, not Chaos Control.” He ordered. His complexion darkened with each word. This was his element. He felt in control, something that the disease had denied him for too long.

I closed my eyes and focused on the spot between the trees. It took a considerable amount of mental effort, but I felt the buzz of Chaos power and then the brief weightlessness of the drop. I had to crouch to catch myself, but I was back in the tree line looking at him from behind.

“Good enough. You haven’t quite let yourself get rusty yet.” He smiled, “Still could have been a touch more graceful.”  

I focused my power once more and appeared behind him. He wiped back around and threw a fist. I caught it in one hand, let it go and fell back.

“Don’t go easy on me just because I am sick.” He sneered, “Chaos Spear, show me.”

“How?” I stammered.

“It’s all mental visual. Concentrate that energy into your hand. The harder you can keep your focus the stronger the spear.” He commanded. His eyes ignited into balls of flame.

I held out my hand and trained my energy into that one spot. It burned in my hand and I had to shake the pain out.

“You are not focused. Sonic, I need you to hold your mental state here. When it comes down to the wire, you need to be able to do this. No matter how much pressure there is. Black Doom won’t hesitate to use the kids against you.” He turned to the side, “And if you don’t get it together, I will give you a reason to.” A spear formed in his hand.

I predicted where he would throw and as I dodged, I retrained my focus. The burn settled into my palm, and I pushed past it.

He threw another spear, and it whizzed by my ear. I weaved. He showered me. The stench of smoke with each hit against the ground. I clenched my hand around the forming spear and threw.

It struck against his side and only singed.

 “DON’T HOLD BACK!” He shouted.

I blinked and let my imagination take full control. The sky was red, the clouds were dark with the coming Black Arms invasion. The shape of his quills twisted up in gnarly angles, showing the capability for darkness that he held. His eyes seared through me, leaving holes in my soul.

“He won’t hesitate, and neither will I.” He bared his fangs, “Again!”

Another barrage of spears rained down. I tossed back into a spin, using my speed to maneuver around each one. I clenched the new spear in my hand, this time bigger and searing. Using a tree, I ramped up and found my angle. Our eyes caught just long enough for me to see the red of his glare. Then I threw.

He blipped out of the way by just an inch, and it struck the ground. Then he was gone. For a split we were airborne. He threw a kick. I spun one back. He rolled back into a ball and blipped again midair. We stayed like that clashing against each other. Each time I summoned a spear they grew stronger and more accurate. And he didn’t hesitate to leave me burned from the hits from his own. It was that moment of rush that I had missed and yearned so much for. But I saw a wince and my vision of the past flickered out.

I dropped to the ground, rolling to catch myself and sprung to my feet. He landed in front of me, “We aren’t done. Keep focused.”

I refused to look at him.

“You can do this. I need to show you Chaos Blast next. This one takes a lot more energy.” His breathing was labored, and his voice cracked ever so slightly.

“Shadow…” I whimpered.

“Don’t wimp out on me. I can handle it. I am still the Ultimate Lifeform. Nothing is taking that from me. I don’t need your pity.” He reeled back. I looked up at him long enough to see him take a spear in each hand, “If anything, you’ll remember the pain you felt today when I kicked your pathetic ass.”

Both spears came at me. I was too frozen to dodge. They were to big to get around. I took the full hit to my chest, my skin bursting into burning black flames. I bowed in agony as it seared away a layer of fur and skin. Then it dissipated.   

“I’m still holding back! You would have been dead!” He gnashed his fangs, “What would you do if he threatened Maria?! What would you do if he manipulated Zephyr?! What would you do if he hurt Jade?!”

My vision turned red, and I faded back into my vision of the past. Back at it again, we traded blows with spears, blocking and dodging using Chaos Snap.

Once he felt my focus was zeroed in, he stopped me, “Now for Chaos Blast. I need you to focus on all of your energy. Watch me.”

He brought his hands together and summoned energy between his hands, “It will be a lot more difficult for you because you don’t have the reserves I do.” His eyes met mine, deep and challenging, as if he was asking me to jump off a cliff with him into the unknown.

I followed suit. It hurt to put so much effort into the action. It was like my body was covered in pins and needles.

“Push through it.” He instructed, “Do it enough times you get used to the pain.”

As I concentrated, my muscles protested at the action. All the energy in my body drawing towards the space between my hands.

Shadow gave me a devilish grin, “Chaos Blast!” He sent his directly for me.

I barely dodged. The blast reached the tree line and burst it into black flames. When I looked back to my hands the orb of energy was gone.

“Don’t…” His face went pail for a moment. Then he regained his composure, “Don’t loose your focus. Again!”

This is killing him…

Then I replayed the stakes he set. This was about our kids, their future, their safety. I just needed to finish this and show him that I am capable so that he can rest.

I pulled at the energy once more, forcing it between my hands. He did the same. My only focus was to finish this business. I was strong, capable, prepared to show him that I would stop at nothing for our kids. Even if that meant hurting him…

“CHAOS BLAST!” We shouted simultaneously. The power of our blasts reverberated against each other. The heat off the blast was a roiling inferno. The light was blinding. And All I saw after that was the afterimage of Shadow against the white and green. My eyes stung, my body ached. And when the blast dissipated, Shadow stumbled backwards. I dashed over just in time to catch him.

His eyes fluttered as he laid in my arms, “I think that’s plenty.” He smirked, “You did good, babe. I’m proud of you.” Then unconsciousness took him.

“I love you so much, honey.” I scooped him up and carried him inside. Tears formed and I let them drip. Then a what if occurred to me as I laid him in our bed.

What if it was Shadow that was a threat to our kids? What if something had happened and Black Doom finally won over his mind? Would I be strong enough to kill him to save our kids?

I already had a lot on my mind, adding this new heavy thought was just too much. I was just glad to be exhausted from our battle. Chaos abilities can be incredibly draining when you aren’t used to using them. I just curled up in bed with him and passed out in the warmth of his chest fluff. The last thing I remember was the feeling of his hand on the side of my head and the steady sound of his heartbeat.

…

I couldn’t live with what had happened the day before. Shadow tried to hide it from me, but I still woke up to him curled up in agony. I called Tails to make a house visit. It wasn’t long before our bedroom became a hospital room. Tails wanted new EEG scan results. He had a portable device that would do just that. Shadow turned his nose up at returning to the clinic. He was content to sit in our bed hooked up to IV and monitors. I never left his side. If guilt could kill, I wished it did. No matter how many times I told myself that it was necessary, and that Shadow wanted us to have that training session, I still felt like I was drowning in my own blood.

The rose-colored glasses that I used to get through our battle the day before were off and what I saw in Shadow made me ill. I never noticed before that his quills were thinning, or that his ribs were showing. Even his rubies were faded.

When he saw my distress, he just gave me a weak smile and reminded me of the ring.

“What’s the point of the ring when you are putting your health at risk constantly. You’re just going to drop dead one of these days and I …” I trailed off laying on the bed beside him.

“I mean it when I say I’m not done yet. I’m not going to let this disease tell me what to do. You were right, there may not be a lot that I am in control of, but I am in control of how I live. I might be burning the wick at both ends but I don’t want to go. Not yet.”

Our space. Once filled with the warm smells of summer and familiar cologne, was now filled with the smell of sterile medical equipment and bitter medicine. The melodies of flickies out our window were drowned out by the hums and beeps of monitors.

“This all feels so unnecessary.” Shadow groaned as Tails placed a cuff around his arm.

“I need to be able to keep track of how your disease is progressing. You say that you don’t want to die just yet. Let me take care of you.” His tails swished behind him as he scolded Shadow.

The ill that I felt became overwhelming. Those words, the reality was sinking in deeper than I could tolerate. Die? Disease progressing? Tails sounded so nonchalant about it, so professional, so detached. My face went cold. Sweat beaded through my fur. I pushed myself up from my spot and looked at both Tails and Shadow. They returned my wild expression with shock and concern.  

“Babe?” His eyes scrunched as he recognized my growing distress.

“I… I’m going to be sick.” Stomach acid sloshed up my throat and I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I ran to the bathroom and lost all my stomach contents. The bitter searing taste in my mouth as I brought it all back up.

Tails dropped what he was doing and found me in the bathroom. While emptying my stomach was enough to bring me a touch of relief, I still fell into hysterics.

I couldn’t breathe. I pressed against the wall and the bathroom floor. The sight of that fox in the bathroom door only reeled me further back into my panic. I felt like I could implode and explode at the same time.

“Sonic, listen to me, you’re having a panic attack. I need you to focus on my voice.” Tails got down on my level. He was so gentle and calm it felt like he was mocking me.

I shook my head and fought my breath, my chest heaving and my head tingling.

“I want you to take a breath and hold it. You can do it. Just focus on me.” He flashed his bright blue eyes at me.

I bit into my lip until it bled before I nodded and agreed to breathe with him. The pain and the taste of blood gave me just enough grounding to focus.

I gasped, fought and choked on my breath before finally getting my lungs full. Then Tails counted for me.

1…2…3…4… exhale.

I pushed the air out too fast. The temptation to return to hyperventilating was too much.

“Name five things you see.” Tails instructed.

“You… The floor tile… The shower.” I gasped again. I shouldn’t have been having a panic attack. This was stupid.

“Take your time, breathe.” Tails spoke again.

I nodded and took in another lung full of air, “I forgot we had that floral pattern along the ceiling.” My vision fuzzed as I found something to focus on.

“What kind of flowers are they?” He asked.

“Butter cups.” I sighed.

“Good. Do we need to continue the exercise?” He was both formal but tentative as he slid in beside me.

“I’m good.” I put effort into taking the next breath. I could still smell the medical equipment even beyond the stench of vomit. The reminders threatened to send me back into panic, “How can you just talk about this like it’s nothing? About what’s happening to him.” I whimpered.

“I have to. I have to compartmentalize my feelings to get through this. Trust me, it isn’t easy for me either. I am trying to be your friend and doctor at the same time. I never meant to make you feel like I didn’t care.” He balled himself up and wrapped his tails around him the way he does when he’s insecure.

“We are asking way too much of you.” I rolled my head back to the wall and back towards him.

“It would be painful for me either way. I’m just glad I can offer something to help. I just wish I knew how to make this easier for the both of you.” He shrunk deeper into the comfort of his tails.

“I don’t think that you can make it any easier, bud.” I pulled my lips tight, “I’m trying to accept that he’s dying but… It’s just so hard, Tails. I can’t stand to see him like this.”

I found the strength to find a hint of humor in the scenario, “There was a sorcerous, her name was Merlina. I told her that all worlds must end and to enjoy the present. I have really fucked up on taking my own advice.”

“It’s different when it’s your world that’s ending. Don’t force yourself into an emotional state you are not ready for. You have every reason to be sad right now.” His eyes met mine and those baby blues were oceans of tears. I cried with him, the two of us wrapped in embrace.

We sobbed together until Shadow’s voice pulled my attention away from the moment, “I could be a part of this cry session.” He smiled with glimmering tearful eyes.  

I got back up and hopped back in bed with him. My tears were much calmer now as I found myself underneath his arm where he sat.

“I’m sorry I made you feel like you had to hold all that in.” He kissed my head, “I want to help, but it seems I am just making things worse.”

“I don’t think there are any right answers to this. It’s all too many layers of fucked.” I grumbled.

“You got that right.” He scratched the back of my head.

            …

Amy kept the kids out of the house for the next few days. They all stayed at Rouge and Knuckles place. We all agreed that we didn’t want them to see Shadow in this state. Tails reassured me that while it was a temporary solution he had something in the works to get Shadow some extra life. He spieled to me about RNA and chemical bonds and what not. Shadow understood but I didn’t. I just trusted that they had it figured out.

I never left Shadow’s side those few days. And all the while I played the phrase in my head, ‘It’s okay to not be okay.’