Birthdays

~This is the first day of my life, swear I was born right in the doorway~

Steam billowed from the freshly drained bio-tank, as the door hissed open. The dark hybrid inside opened his eyes and took his first breath of air. The inside of the tank was the only thing he knew. Seeing the lab for the first time without the embryonic goo was jarring. He shivered at the frosty atmosphere, blinked wildly and bristled his quills ever so slightly. The professor stepped into view and held out a hand, “Welcome Shadow.”

Shadow? Was that his name?

He stepped out, bare feet on icy metal. His eyes soaked in the environment. This was the first time he saw colors. Cold greys of the walls and floors, orange and red hazard signs, other tanks like his own that were full of sickly green goo. The most striking in the drab space was Gerald, his white lab coat and peach skin were blinding. Shadow furrowed his brow at the professor.

“Can you speak?” He asked.

Shadow parted his lips and let his voice vibrate in his throat. Thoughts formed into words and he landed on a string of questions, “Who am I? What am I?”

“You are Shadow the Hedgehog, the Ultimate Lifeform. I am Professor Gerald Robotnik. I created you to assist in my research.” The professor folded his arms behind his back.

“And what is this research, how will I be assisting?” Shadow tilted his head. He shivered, shaking off the last of the tank’s goo.

Gerald ignored his question and grabbed Shadow. His calloused hands were rough and scratchy around Shadow’s torso. He was lifted into the air and sat on a metallic table with a heavy steel box beside him, “Firstly, I need to know that you are healthy.” Geralds eyes were obscured by his small circular glasses. Shadow’s mind swam trying to piece together every bit of context information he was being given.

His creator was very driven. He was very logical and direct. He was also detached and secretive. Shadow contrasted these facts with the bright bubbly face of that little girl who would slip into the lab and watch him in the tank. She seemed so happy and lively.

Gerald pulled out a stethoscope and blood pressure cuff and worked on getting Shadow’s vitals. The little hybrid squirmed at the poking and prodding. Every little thing added to his discomfort. What was his creator even doing?

“Everything seems to be functioning optimally.” Gerald put away his vitals supplies.

Shadow gripped onto the edge of the table he sat on, his anxiety creeping up. If his creator would just provide more explanation, things wouldn’t feel so uncomfortable.

“I would like to understand my purpose, professor.” Shadow kicked his legs back and forth.

“You are a very curious creature.” His creator observed. “For now, I am only interested in understanding your biology.”

Gerald moved to the box that sat beside Shadow. The buttons beeped as he punched in a code. The container shunked open and it revealed four gold rings wedged into black foam.

“One thing I am prepared for is your power. My readings on you have shown that the amount of Chaos Energy in your body is a threat to your wellbeing. You need to wear these. They will constrain the power so as not to cause you harm.” He pulled a ring out and clicked it open. Taking one of Shadow’s arms, he stuck the ring around his wrist and clipped it in place. It felt heavy on Shadow's arm. He stared at the ring, twisting his wrist back and forth to see the details. It had lines around it that glowed with power. He found the clasp where the ring could be pinched and opened. Soon there was a ring on each limb. Shadow felt the energy drain they caused him. He slouched and furrowed his brow, were the rings supposed to make him feel this way?

“May I get off the table and explore?” Shadow asked.

“I prefer you stay here.” Gerald looked over his shoulder as he found his journal to document his new findings.

A blaring alarm shattered the tension. Shadow grabbed his ears and squeezed them shut. His vision was filled with flashes of red and white, leaving him blind. Once the alarms and flashing stopped, he rubbed his eyes to refocus them. Gerald was gone and in his place was the little bright-eyed girl.

“Where did the professor go?” Shadow asked.

“He had to take care of an emergency. Are you Shadow?” She rocked onto her toes. Her blue eyes gleamed like starlight and her blond hair made a sloppy frame around her face.

“That is what I am told.” Shadow smiled for the first time. He liked the feeling.

“My name is Maria. Let’s go play.” She grabbed both of his hands and yanked him off the table. “You are so cute!” She hugged him close. Her arms could have strangled him, and his toes hung less than an inch off the ground. She was warm and soft. It was a relief to him after feeling so cold coming out of the tank.

Everything blurred. Next thing Shadow knew she was dragging him by the hand through the corridors. A sheet of glass caught his attention. It gave off a transparent reflection of him. He yanked on Maria’s hand to get her to stop. She let go of him and he went up to the glass. The vastness of space sat behind the glass, but he was more interested in the reflection.

“Is that… me?” he asked, poking his finger at the glass. The dark hedgehog in the reflection made him take a step back. He frowned at it.

Yes, that’s you, silly.” Maria giggled and grabbed his hand again.

She said he was cute. Shadow didn’t agree.

The metal under Shadow’s bear feet stung as they ran through the hallways. The fist place she took him to was the on board garden.

The greenery made for a shocking contrast against its sterile surroundings. The plants sat in a large wooden raised bed that filled the whole space. The room was humid, and the lights overhead were warmer than the icy blues of the rest of the ARK’s lighting. Shadow was enthralled by the smells. Sweet subtle flowers, rich earth and the taste of moisture in the air. The colors of the flowers, pink, purple and red, entranced him. Then he looked back for Maria. She was gone and so was Shadow’s sense of safety. His heart raced as he searched for her, “Maria?”

“Boo!” She leapt out of a bush, its leaves rustling behind her. Then she fell into a fit of giggles.

Shadow lost his balance and fell over. His bottom and tail crashed into the squishy soil below. Confusion set in as he thought about the emotions he was feeling, “You.. you scared me.” He looked up at her.

She stood proudly, her face beaming like yellow light.

“You’re funny. I like your jewelry.” She pointed to his inhibitor rings.

“The professor says I need these to control my power.” Shadow lifted himself off the ground. The dirt between his fingers was soothing. He caved to the temptation to grab a few handfuls as he got to his feet. He let the dirt run out of his hand. It left his palms grimy and wet.

“Chase me!” Maria ran off again. The two pranced around the garden. Shadow experienced fun for the first time. They took turns jumping out of the greenery and making circles around the room. Maria even discovered that Shadow had a ticklish spot under his chin. Shadow picked the flowers that entranced him so, and he showered Maria in them as she sprawled out on the patch of earth underneath her.

If anyone was cute it was Maria. Shadow liked her soft porcelain features and round face.

Her eyes shot wide open as she looked up from the pile of flowers she was surrounded by, “We should go to the library.”

They were off again on another portion of their adventure. Shadow thought he saw some adults walking the opposite direction down a distant hall. They kept their eyes in front of them and were gone in a flash.

The library was cozy. Shadow loved the colors in there even more. The books were browns, oranges and blues and the shelves were tan, oak wood. Shadow and Maria hid behind the shelves and slinked from nook to nook till Maria found the books she wanted. A stack of fairy tales that she had previously built up. “I like to read. Do you know how to read?” She asked him, sitting against the shelf next to her stack.

She folded her knees in and grabbed the first book off the top. Shadow sat beside her and she wrapped an arm around her, “This book is about dragons.” She pointed at the black and red dragons on the cover.

“Dragons? Can you read it to me?” Shadow snuggled in closer to her. She smelled like vanilla and lavender. Her blue dress was silky against his fur.

It was a short book with moderate difficulty words. Shadow picked up on the meanings of the letters quickly. He insisted to read the next book. After that book she got up and went to the next nook. Shadow followed her. A craggily old woman laid eyes on Shadow and her eyes widened in shock. The look on her face unnerved him deeply. He found Maria pulling more books out of the shelves, “Can we go somewhere else?” He pulled on the back of her dress.

“I know, let’s go to the observatory.” She smiled. Her hair tossed over her shoulder as she looked at Shadow.

Once again, little feet batted against the metal floors of the corridors. Shadow had his head on a swivel, he remembered that his creator said not to leave the lab.

The observatory door hissed as it opened and the two were greeted by a wide, rounded window. Maria led Shadow to the window and the door clanked shut behind them.

They looked out the window. Both pressed their hands and faces against the glass. Shadow saw a large blue and green globe afloat in the darkness of space. “What is that?” He asked.

“That is earth. That’s my home.” Her voice twinged with sadness.

Shadow pulled away from the window to look at her face. The bright light in her eyes dimmed as she stared at the planet, “Mommy and daddy are down there. They said I am very sick and that I had to go away. I don’t want to be here.” Her lower lip protruded.

“Why can’t you be down there with them?” Shadow asked.

“They said I need to get better. Do you think they hate me?” Her head bowed.  Her face painted with sorrow.

“They shouldn’t. You are a very wonderful girl. I’m sure they had good reason for sending you here.” Shadow gave a partial smile.  

“I miss my mommy and daddy.” Her eyes shimmered.

Shadow’s heart ached. He felt pain for the first time.

The door hissed open, and several masculine voices came in behind the two. Shadow turned around to see three men in armored uniforms. Maria let out a short, shocked scream. They held guns at him and Shadow backed away from them.

“Trap it. We need to get it back to Gerald’s lab without damaging it.” One of them said. “GUN is sinking too much money into this project for us to just waste it.”

One of the guns turned plasma blue at the end of the barrel and before Shadow could think to dodge, he was encased in an electrified net.

Maria was separated from Shadow by one of the men. She dodged around him attempting to get to Shadow but the man snatched her in his arms, “You can’t play with it, it’s a dangerous project, not a pet.” The man said to her. Maria fought his grasp, only to realize her powerlessness, “Let him go.” She pouted.

Shadow fought the net but as he did the electric barbs sank into his muscles and caused him pain. One of the men grabbed the handles on the net and lifted Shadow up into the air. The last he saw of Maria was her crying for him to be set free.

Shadow sank into the net feeling the way the threads dug into him. Shadow cried for the first time.

~Besides, maybe this time is different. I mean, I really think you like me.~

  

            June 13^th , I love you because you know how to cheer me up even on the darkest day

The twang of acoustic guitar filled the house. I hadn’t heard that noise in years. I found Shadow in the living room. A beautiful hand-crafted Taylor 814ce sat in his lap. His fingers danced across the strings, a sad, slow and passionate melody crafted of low, rhythmic notes. His eyes were both distant and focused as he flowed from fret to fret. I savored the song and when he was done, he looked up at me. Those rubies were so gorgeous, my dreamy, tired rubies. His smile showed more energy than the rest of his face.

“Change of pace?” I asked.

“The electric has gotten enough attention. My poor acoustic baby hasn’t seen the daylight in, well, I don’t know how long.” He squinted his eyes and turned his head back down to it. He then caressed its frame, “I need to let her know that she’s still beautiful. She sounds beautiful too. I was thinking I would play for the picnic.”

“That would be lovely, you know what you’re playing yet?”

“I haven’t quite decided yet. First, I had to be sure that I could remember the cords. That last song was one I spent a whole month on, everyday playing it till it was second nature.”

“Between the Bars? You were obsessed with that song for a whole winter.” I smiled at the memory.   

He tilted his head and looked just past me, his eyes landing on the wall. Shadow looked so lost.

“Brain clouds?” I shifted my weight.  

He nodded, the expression on his face falling into sorrow.

He drifted back to the guitar and returned to the song. Somehow the song sounded sadder this time. He sang the words, and it was as if he summoned the rain outside. It beat against the windows adding rhythm to his song and I lost myself in it.

I remember that winter, He had fought off Black Doom for the fifth time. He came home so darkened it took a week for me to get even a word out of him. When he finally opened up, he told me about how he was forced to watch Maria die again.

“I don’t know, if I am strong enough to keep doing this?” he sobbed to me that day. “She was just a kid.”

All I could do was hold him and let him cry. I knew now words would soothe him. That guitar was more of a friend to him than I could ever have been. It just did my soul good to know he was working through it. I didn’t care if he only ever played one song for four months straight, if it eased the pain for him, I was there for it. I was there for him.

            June 14^th, I love you because you are beautiful in every way.

He continued practicing with new songs. All with that mellow somber feel.

            June 15^th , I love you because you are a beacon of hope for the world, that I only wish that I could be.

He told me a few of the songs he wanted to play for the picnic. The kids loved the songs. They would dance and play with the guitar when Shadow was napping. Shadow never paid them any mind.

            June 16^th, no note, Shadow had a particularly bad day with is migraines.

He spent the whole day in bed, and I cared for him in every way I could. Tails offered to come by to give him the gene treatment for the week. It took a bit of convincing, but Shadow agreed to it. It was Zeph running into the bedroom to pounce on him that changed his mind. Shadow promised me that he would make it up to me the next day with the notes. I told him he didn’t have to.

            June 17^th, I love you because you impress me every day with your abilities. He had so much more energy, it was like night and day.

He got out the electric this time. The song he played felt so loving and passionate. I couldn’t stop myself from dancing into the living area, letting the jazzy tones swirl around me. Shadow played the drum section of the song on his phone, linked to his speaker. The guitar sang from the amp. The house filled from corner to corner with the smooth romantic song.

He adored me from his spot on the edge of the couch. He was an enigmatic, mystic figure, beckoning me to join him in his magic. Once he finished the song I asked him about it.

“Foolsmues,” he told me.

I looked it up on my own phone and found the lyrics, “Play it again,” I said to him.

Those lyrics became the words of my own heart and soon he and I were in perfect time with each other. Our voices reverberated, crafting echoes that recolored the space into orange and brown. I was the tenor; he pulled out the base. I twirled as I sang, arms outstretched, and my soul took flight with the guitar solo that followed. The room was sunlight. The song was hope and love in every way. We pressed our foreheads together and I could taste his joy. The moment became extasy as we share the words, “You make me happy, you make me so glad, cause your my baby, I want you so bad.”

I couldn’t pull our souls closer. I couldn’t force the moment to stay, and yet I soaked in every ounce of that feeling. Two hearts beating in perfect time. We didn’t need the song anymore when it was over, we were the song. Water and flames, morning and evening, darkness and light. I shared in his breath. He shared in mine. Love couldn’t be shattered by any force. We were safe for once, in the space between the past and the future. Our present.

            I love you because you are my perfect harmony

            June 18^th, I love you because your voice sounds like home. I wanted to find that feeling again. He played for me his whole performance for the next day. The whole family got involved. It was a bit of a party.

I played guitar a little, so taking over the acoustic wasn’t hard. Shadow went and bought himself a banjo. I sneered at it, but he told me to trust him, he was certain I would like the song.

He and I were across from each other on the couch, backs pressed against the arm rests and facing each other. I found the sheet music on our tablet. After a few attempts I had the song down. It was the perfect duet. I sang the female’s part, and he sang the male’s part. The song was Santa Fe by Smantha Crain.

That day it rained again. The rain felt more like a friend than a foe.

“I want to play with you tomorrow,” I said once the song was done.

“I would love that,” He beamed back at me.

The rest of the day was spent getting stuff together for the birthday. The rain subsided and I took the kids out shopping. Maria wanted the Eggman pinata. It was black and red balloons, Amy’s delectable vegan baked goods, games for the kids, I even sat Maria and Zeph down to make crafts. Maria made a macaroni necklace; Zeph made a drawing. Amy suggested I have Jade make paint footprints. Four months old and she was filling out so well, that little chunker. I dipped her little toes in purple and red paint and held her over canvas. Those itty-bitty toe beans spreading out on the synthetic paper leaving behind her unique paw prints. Amy gave her a bath afterwards.

Maria seemed bothered by the birthday celebration. She was five. Shadow’s genes were really showing through in that girl, as she played with the necklace she made for him. “Is Daddy Shadow going to get better?”

I was about to speak but Shadow glared at me from the kitchen where he sat enjoying a PB&J. He was shoving rocks down my throat with that stare…. It was just better to keep myself distracted.

Maria never got an answer.

Zeph helped with the cupcakes. The main cake was black forest so the rest of them were plain chocolate. He dumped a whole cannister of rainbow sprinkles all over them. Amy was about to lose her cool, but I slowed her roll. “It doesn’t matter. Shadow will love them because Zeph helped.” The cupcakes were beautiful, just for being themselves. Just like my little Zephy.

We filled coolers with water, juice and Chaos Cola. I went over the list.

            Umbrellas, in case it rained.

            The coolers filled with drinks.

            The party games for the kids.

            The Eggman pinata. I had to laugh at Maria’s good taste.

            Chips.

            Knuckles had grilling duty.

            Rouge was bringing some sides.

Tails had been swamped since his practice became more public, so I told him he didn’t need to bring anything. I guess taking care of one of the world’s most famous hedgehogs gave him more publicity than he was ready to handle.

Of everything that changed, the weirdest thing was how happy Shadow was. We settled in that night before his birthday and the grin on his face was heavenly. His eyes drifted closed, “It’s ironic how much I love life now.”

I pulled him close and took in his scent, those earthy tones were my home, “Keep loving life, love. That’s what it’s here for.”

“I’m so lucky to have you.” He kissed the top of my head, and I sank deeper into him. Home. Nothing felt safer than here, between him and the sheets. Under the glow of warm lamp lights, the glow from our Himalayan salt lamp, the way things seemed to fit perfectly together. From the fit of our bodies, my snoot under his chin, to the room’s details, my scattered shoes and his pleather jacket that hung on the door hooks, everything was perfect. I didn’t matter that he was sick, he was here with me in that moment, and I would cling on to that for as long as my arms would let me. My Shadow. My sweet, sweet Shadow.

…

The humidity of the next day swirled into the room. Shadow was awake before me again. There was a time when it was always me who was awake first. He got up early today to open the windows and let the morning dew in. It smelled so sweet. Like memories of childhood, running loose in springtime, rolling downhills with friends, I won every school track race. I got banned from participating.  

Those memories were nourishment. His joyous expression was dessert. I love summer. We both loved summer.

I leaped from the bed and wrapped my legs around him. For a moment I was clung around him, but as I pulled myself in tighter and his arms fought to keep me up, I felt his muscles strain. I felt guilty and put my feet back down.

“I’m sorry babe, that’s not happening anymore.” He kissed the side of my face.

I struggled. I needed that. The moment where he could carry me and make me weightless. I adored that feeling. He was more than what my legs could accomplish, he was my wings. In this moment, he was simply there. I fought the voices in my head, my yearning for things to be different. The reality of his weakening condition was getting harder to ignore.  

“Are you okay?” He reached out to me.

“I will be.” I put on a brave face.

He grabbed my hands and squeezed them tight, “Don’t over think it. Let’s just enjoy today. It’s going to be wonderful. I just know it.”

Tails brought his truck by and we packed all our supplies into it. Amy and I got the kids dressed while Shadow kept Jade entertained with some peak-a-boo. The beauty of the day and sunlight called to us to enjoy ourselves. I soaked in the moment, Shadow was right, this was going to be an amazing day. Whatever the future held for us, didn’t matter, it was time to be present.

Zeph and I ran, the rest rode the truck. Knux’s family would meet us there.

I hated knowing that the stress of the situation had kept me from being present with the kids. I had been so worried about Shadow that it made no room for me to focus on anything else. Let alone just trying to keep myself together. I was more than grateful for Amy’s help.

Running with Zephyr reminded me how much fun fatherhood was. He kept up with me every step of the way. I had to stop at times to help him with an obstacle. He wasn’t agile enough to jump over streams yet or take the usual shortcuts I would. We were playing with each other by the time we got to our destination.

The garden was fenced off with honey-brown patina iron posts with intricate swirling patterns that connected them. Each swirl housed a star shape. The gate was wide enough to welcome vehicles and was the most intricate. It was adorned with more swirls and stars, as well as moons and planets that extended out the sides of the sign across the top, and in delicate, elegant font was carved ‘The Maria Robotnik Memorial Garden’.

This garden was funded by the proceeds we got from the foundation. Shadow and I put so much hard work into planning and helping put it together. It was our first child, a true labor of love. Shadow dumped his whole soul into this project. A gorgeous, sprawling landscape filled fence to fence with trees, bushes and flowers of all kinds. As a private park, we typically kept it open to the public. People could come and go as they please within daylight hours of spring and summer. That day however, it was reserved for us only.

We set up at the main covered picnic area that overlooked the kids’ corner. It was a blue and yellow play ground with a tree house that sat just outside. Maria, and Zeph were greeted by Arrow and Ruby. The four littles chased each other over to the play area, paying us no mind.

I laughed looking at them. A blue and black hedgehog, along with the red, bat Ruby and the white, echidna Arrow. They already looked like a group of little heroes. The way they bantered and played together filled my heart with hope for the next generation. Who knew what their futures held for them? All we were here for was to guide and teach them. The rest was up to them.

I watched Ruby throw a hand on her hip and make a sassy face a Zeph, “It’s scary how much she behaves like you.” I elbowed Rouge.

She just rolled her eyes.

With everything in place, the festivities were ready to kick off. Shadow perched himself on one of the benches with his back to the table, soaking in the sunlight that beamed in.

 “I get to give you your fist gift, birthday boy.” Rouge smiled, hovering over him, her wings outstretched. He wiped around, his eyes wild and unsure.

“Relax.” She sassed. Once Shadow let his guard down, she placed a shimmering, silver crown on top of his head.

Shadow scrunched his face and took the crown off to look at it, “Where did you get this?”

“Not your problem, hun, it’s yours now.” She made him put it back on.

He gave a half smile and accepted the gift.

“King for a day, how does it feel.” Her face shown with pride.

“Regal. Is everyone going to start bowing to me now?” He scoffed. “I wanted a birthday celebration; this feel a bit much.”

“You deserve it.” Her vice took on a more scolding tone, “Let us spoil you. You deserve to be happy.”

He closed his eyes and sank into the feeling, “Yeah, I do.” After a moment of simmering he reopened one eye, “You are returning this after the party.”

“You know I’m not going to do that.” Her smile turned wry.  

The picnic spread was amazing. Knuckles made hot dogs and hamburgers. Shadow could have eaten a whole bucket of Rouges potato salad. Maria tried to manipulate me into letting her have a soda. I told her no, I wasn’t letting the kids have caffein at such a young age. All together it was comforting to be surrounded by friends. They were more than just friends, they were family.

Zeph was fascinated by Shadow’s crown and tried to steal it from him. At first Shadow teased him how he was disrespecting the birthday king, then Shadow told Zeph if he really wanted one, he could have one for his birthday.

Serenity, it was the smell of blossoms on the wind and the way the sunlight shown not only on our skin but on our souls. For the time being, not a worry or trouble plagued us. Just bright eyes and playful smiles, laughter and good conversation.

After lunch we let the kids go back and play some more. Ruby decided she was in charge, and they were going to play pirate. Zeph took no interest in the game. All he wanted was to play tag, but no one wanted to play tag with the speedster.  

Amy and I got engrossed in talking about the bakery. She was worried about the employees handling the fact that she hasn’t been as present as much since Shadow got sick.

“They will be understanding. I know they can run things well on their own. You’ve got some amazing management over there. Jenny is one of the best I have ever seen.” I reassured her.

“Your right.” She sighed, her soft green eyes drifting into the distance, “I just feel so stressed. I can’t really get into it.”

“Don’t worry about it, I’m here to listen. We need to be there for each other.” I gave her a half smile, running my hand along the wood of the bench we sat on.

Her face turned sour, and she sorted her thoughts, “I don’t want you to think that I don’t want to help out. I love the kids. And what you and Shadow are going through right now is awful, but I don’t know how to balance all of this. I feel like I’m losing myself.”

Her words struck a chord, “I know what you mean.” Guilt tied around my stomach, “I know Silver can handle it, but I should be out there fighting with him. But Shadow needs me, and I don’t know…” I trailed off. Letting my thoughts go for longer was going to bring up some uncomfortable possibilities.

“I think what matters most right now is that we stick together. All of us are here for you, Shadow and the kids. You have been an amazing friend to us, it’s only right that we can help you through this.” She held my hand and gave me a smile that felt sad underneath.

“Thanks, Ames. I don’t know how I could thank you enough. I haven’t been the dad I should be.” My shoulders slumped.

“It’s a heavy thing to carry. You are doing the best you can.”

The two of us basked in the silence. Then I noticed Shadow and his acoustic were missing. I yanked my hand away from Amy’s and looked around for him. My face was burning and my heart was racing. My mind was throwing too many ‘what ifs’ out I couldn’t settle on one.

Then I saw him out by the grove of cherry trees with Maria. He had his guitar slung around his back and was crouched to be eye to eye with her. Something in his demeanor was so comfortable. He was so soft and gentle. Shadow had changed so much since the diagnosis, there were times I wondered if he was the same person.

He stood up and walked off past the grove. Maria followed after him. I decided to go with. Even Zeph saw us and decided to follow. He acknowledged me and then caught up with Shadow and Maria. I decided to hang back, I knew where this path was headed.

The smooth, masonry, stone path lead to the center of the garden. The heart of the garden was Shadow’s heart. An angelic statue of Maria in dark stone with flecks of bronze throughout. When the sun hit it just right, she looked like the night sky. The statue had her on one foot, perched on her toes with the other leg behind her as she reached for the sky. At the right time of year and day, you could see the sun set into her open hand. Shadow said that was her holding hope itself.

I watched from the brush as he admired her visage. He smiled and soaked in the mid-day air. The sun was so bright it was blinding against the vibrant colors of the garden. A thick cloud came over the sun and softened the view of Shadow and the kids.

Shadow said a few words to the statue and then turned around to the kids. He sat down on the ledge of the statues base. For a moment, Shadow looked over in my direction to let me know that he knew I was eavesdropping. I decided it wasn’t my place to get involved. I turned my ears in so I could listen in on their conversation. My heart hitched as I was already drawing conclusions on what he was wanting to talk to them about.

“Remember how I told you that Auntie Maria was very sick?” He said.

My gut twisted. It wasn’t my place to get involved.

Zeph sat on the ground while Maria curled up next to Shadow.

“She was so sick that she couldn’t live anymore. I miss her every day. She was a wonderful kid. She was my best friend. But you know what, she isn’t entirely gone. I see Maria every night when I look at the stars and I hear her voice in my heart. Do you remember what we learned in Fellowship?” Shadow sounded so sage like.

“That Chaos watches over us and it made everything?” Maria chimed.

“That’s true, but I wanted to know if you know what happens when we die. Every single one of us has a soul, it’s what’s on the inside of us.” He pointed at Maria’s chest. She smiled and brushed over where he had touched. Zeph lost interest in the topic and was jumping on top of the inlayed stones. Shadow’s eyes followed Zeph. His lips parted revealing his hesitation, then he took a breath and returned to Maria.

I tensed. He told me we weren’t going to tell them yet. I stepped just within view to remind him I was still there. His jaw tightened as his eyes met mine.

Then he forced himself to relax. Maria stood up and stepped down, away from the statue. Shadows ears drooped and he slouched watching her and Zeph twirl around with each other. When his rubies returned to me, I felt the pain behind them. I could hear his voice in his expression, ‘They need to know.’

My feet could move, my voice could speak, I could make a choice right then. The first choice, I could support Shadow, go over there and help him break the news to the kids. Or I could walk away and say not a word. It was as if there was a forcefield between him and I. Walking away right now, would hurt him, but… I… I couldn’t. Any muscle movement in that direction felt like it was in direct opposition to my soul. I closed my eyes and was overcome with shame. I bowed my head and was ready to walk away when the sound of his acoustic strings pulled me back in. It was the familiar jaunty tune to ‘First Day of My Life,’ by Bright Eyes.

He had such a somber smile as he looked back up at the statue. As he turned his gaze upward that smile grew. His fingers strummed with such ease it was if it was only his heart playing the song. His voice was smooth as butter, sweet as honey and twinged with bitter notes of longing. Those words were about her. They were about how much she meant to him. Those words were about how precious their short time together was. Each line pulled out more longing. It was as if I was there, witnessing his first day of life.

Once the song was over, he looked so blissful. He had forgotten all about the serious conversation he was having. In fact, I noticed the moment of blankness in his gaze before the light flickered back on in his eyes. He was having more of those moments.

“Come on kids, I want to play some songs with Daddy Sonic. We will go back to the picnic and set up.” He stood up and slung the guitar over his back.

“I want to hit the pinata!” Maria chimed.

“Can I get another cupcake?” Zeph asked.

“We will do the pinata afterwards. And yes, you can have another cupcake.” Shadow tousled Zeph’s quills before he zipped on ahead.

Shadow’s blissful expression dissipated as he  walked by me, following the kids. “I wasn’t going to tell them without you. It doesn’t help that you trust me so little.”

“You aren’t the most honest person.” I crossed my arms. It was like there was steam pressure building inside me. I could feel my fangs digging into the sides of my cheeks.

“This is important. I’m not going to handle this lightly, you know that.” His face twisted a bit like he had so much more to say but he bit down on his lip and huffed, “I don’t want to ruin today. We can talk more later.”

He calmed himself and took my hand, “I can’t wait to perform with you. Everyone is going to love it.” He kissed my cheek, “Don’t forget how much I love you.”

Shadow was right, now was not the time to let our anger and frustration ruin our day. I wanted to play those songs as much a he did.    

           

 

By the time we got back everyone had our set up ready for us. Tails’ rust orange flatbed truck sat, tailgate open to the picnic area. Shadow handed me his acoustic and he retrieved his banjo from the picnic shelter. I sat on the edge of bed cross legged, and he sat over the wheel well. The sky paved over in grey, but it didn’t detract from the warmth of the colors. Green, lush, plant life. The subtle orange hues reflecting on the overcast. The rich browns of earth, stone and the wooden picnic shelter full of friendly faces.  

Everyone continued their conversations, and the children ran about with abandon. We melded into the fabric of the moment, our songs becoming a language only Shadow and I understood. Our friends looked on as we played songs about love, dreams and the preciousness of life. But those passing glances were nothing compared to what he and I shared. He was moon light, and I was sun. And even when he would lose his train of thought, or I struggled from lack of practice, we just laughed it off and went back to it.

It was only four songs, but four became eight, then eight became twelve. Soon we both lost track of how many songs we played. It was our slice of time taken out of the universe, no Chaos Control needed, time paused for us for as long as our lungs and fingers could take it. Shadow looked exhausted after a while. I offered to end our jam session, but then he stopped me.

“I got one more, just for you.” He smiled behind half closed eyes. A gust of wind picked up and showered us in cotton wood fluff. His quills swayed and he melted into bliss. He sat the banjo down and held out his hand for the acoustic.  I gave it to him, settled in and waited to hear what he had for me.  

He flowed into song. His voice soft and somber, the lyrics sat heavy into my stomach.

“Only the dead survive,” He sang, with eyes lovingly in my direction. I sifted my thoughts, attempting to make sense of what he meant. But before I could put too much thought into it, he blindsided me with the final lyrics, “Love is the final piece to this. I just want music in my life. I just want us to sing along. I’m your guy…until I die.”

Why? What was his goal in this? It hurt to look at him. I was not the sun anymore. He was both my sun and moon, and he looked at me with such deep, permeating love.

He…he’s dying. I knew it. It wasn’t a new revelation. But somehow that song was as if he was spoon feeding it to me. And instead of turning my nose up, I took a bite.

It hurt so much. Such a bitter taste and I swallowed it.

He must have seen the pain on my face, because he sat everything down and got beside me. I clung onto him wishing that I could tie him down, as if the wind could carry him away from me.

“It’s okay, babe. I know it’s hard.” He pulled me close.

“Why do you have to keep reminding me?” I let a tear fall down my nose onto his chest.

We held each other. The glances from others turned into varying flavors of sad. I shrunk away, not wanting to see them.

“Let’s go for a walk,” He offered, “We need to talk about this. Pretending it’s not happening is not helping either on of us.”

I fought the desire to argue. Regardless of how I felt, I knew it needed to be addressed.

Shadow hollered out to the gang to let them know we were leaving. He abandoned the interments, he even handed off the crown to Zeph. He took me by the hand and dragged me behind him. It took several yards before I began actively following. I resented it. It wasn’t right, it wasn’t fair. He is dying and he is just acting like it’s the sunniest day in the world. Did he not see what this meant? I scrunched my eyes fighting the boiling anger.

We slowed down by the pond, and he looked out over the water, “This place doesn’t stop being beautiful.” He sighed.

“How are you so chill about all of this?” I let my frustration escape.

He looked back at me with such gentle, somber. “I was hoping that the song would help you understand.”

“I can’t, that’s the problem.” I felt like I was throwing a temper tantrum. He left me to pout. The way he looked at me only dug into me further, “You were supposed to be immortal.”

The look in his eyes was both dark and sweet, and the half smile he gave me was a blade, “I don’t want to be.”

I crossed my arms and folded away from him.

“Babe, listen to me.” He beckoned.

I found his gaze, still keeping my head down.

His smile was small, but it almost closed his eyes. Then he tilted his head, “Remember how scared I was for us to get married? I was the one who proposed, and I still couldn’t get over my cold feet.” He pushed air out his nose, “Immorality is not a blessing. I’m over seventy years old and I don’t look a day over fifteen.” He spread his arms to show off his youth, then his face turned sorrowful, “I’ve had to watch you age. You haven’t ever had to consider a life without me before. I have thought about having to live without you, every day, we have been together. Our kids? I have had to stomach the thought that one day that I wouldn’t have to just bury you, but I would have to bury them too.”

I dropped my arms and looked directly into his eyes. Was I being selfish for wanting to keep him? As soon as the thought crossed my mind, I shut it down. It hurt, I couldn’t ignore that.

“I hope that clears things up for you a bit. It’s okay if it hurts. It’s going to, I know how it feels.”

His words only took the top off the pain I was feeling, “It does.” I put on that brave face again.

He took my hand again and squeezed it. With my soul hollowed out I followed his lead. He had a shimmer in his eyes, yet they looked so peaceful. As we traveled for a while we settled into conversation about the kids. Then he stopped me.

A little nook between trees that provided the perfect view of the garden. From there on the side of the stone path we could sit down and look over the hill at the expanse. We could see the playground where everyone was, we could see the pond and we could even have a nice view of Maria’s memorial. As we sat together, he lost himself in the breezy summer air. He ran his fingers through the grass. “I want to be buried here. We could have side by side plots when it’s your time.”

My soul snaped in half. I sprung to my feet.

“Sonic, wait. I’m sorry, it was too soon.” He stumbled over himself as he reached out to me.

“It’s fine… I don’t want to ruin our day. Let’s just go back to the picnic.”   

 

I beat Shadow back to the picnic grounds. My mind swirled, oscillating between a slurry of destressing emotions, each one more distressing than the last.

At first, I looked over our friends still socializing at the picnic table. Amy was sitting with Jade on a picnic blanket. Her eyes met mine, “Where is Shadow?”

I coked on my words. Everyone else that gave me concerned glances left me dodging. The feeling was constricting. Shadow caught up with me and I avoided him as well.

His eyes pleaded with me, “Sonic, I…”

“I don’t want to talk anymore.” I sneered.

Then I turned to the playground. Maria had her plush mouse Jeffy, Zephy had a plastic shovel. The two knelt together in a patch of wet dirt on the playground. The blood ran out of my face as I watched them dig a hole and put Jeffy inside. My legs were ready to take me over there, put a stop to their twisted game. Hands sagged around my arm and pulled me back.

“They aren’t doing anything wrong. They are just processing.” Shadow scolded.

I snapped back at him, letting my fangs show through, “Processing what?!”

He stepped back, his eyes bewildered at my lashing, “They are smart kids. I’m sure they are piecing this stuff together on their own.”

“They are preschoolers. They shouldn’t be having to.” I burned.

The sound of wailing pulled us out of our argument. We shot back to see Maria running away from Ruby. Zeph followed close behind, tears beading in his eyes as well. Ruby just looked on, her face both sheepish and confused. Maria ran straight for Shadow, and he knelt down beside her, “What happened?”

“Ruby said your dying.” Maria sobbed, “I don’t want you to die.” 

Shadow’s eyes burst into inferno. “RUBY!”

The kid stumbled back, her violet eyes squirming.

“NO! Get over here!” He shouted at her.

She bowed her head and wandered over. Rouge flew into intervein, “What’s going on?”

Maria clung onto Shadow’s leg, “Ruby told the kids.”

Rouge’s ears drooped and her brow turned up, “Ruby.”

“I thought they knew. I watched them bury Jeffy.” Ruby defended herself.      

“It was not your place to talk about it! Especially not to them!” Shadow yelled at her. The red bat shrunk away from him.

“Shadow, hun, let me handle it.” Rouge took Ruby by the arm and led her somewhere else to talk.

Shadow stood with his quills full bristle as Maria sobbed into his leg fur, “This is your fault.” He let loose a deep growl. He held his head in his hands, and I saw the grimace behind his attempt to hide it. “I wanted to be the one to tell them. You and I could have talked to them at the memorial, and you refused to back me up.”

“This wouldn’t be happening if you weren’t so willing to give up!” My anger got the better of me.

“How dare you accuse me of giving up! Don’t you say that shit in front of our kids!” He pointed a claw at me.

“Maria, Zeph, come here.” Amy beckoned them. Shadow had to pry Maria off his leg, but the two made their way over to Amy on the picnic blanket.

Once it was just the two of us, his face twisted with another grimace. Then he snarled at me, “I am NOT, giving up! You know me better than that!”

“Well, it sure feels like you are! You refuse to accept a lot of the help the doctors are offering you!”      

 “You think those doctors give a shit about me?! Do you think they care about how I feel about all of this?! They are making pay checks. You know what matters most to them, OUR NAMES!” He pointed at both of us.

“They are trying. I expect you to be doing more than dragging your feet through this. You should be fighting, for us.” My teeth ground together to the point it hurt.

His chest heaved and his eyes settled into the place between pain and anger, “Some things weren’t meant to be fought.”

“I think that’s quite selfish of you.” My eyes glazed with tears.

His anger furled back up, “SELFISH?! I am the one who is dying, and you want to call me SELFISH?! Did you not listen to a thing I said back there?!”

I shrunk back into a sudden wash of shame.

“You haven’t matured a bit. Things aren’t black and white. If you just stopped for five minutes and listened to how I feel about this.” He bowed his head and folded his shoulders in.

My tears overflowed. He was now acting like he was the only one hurting. I felt so unseen. This disease may as well have been pulling us in two different directions.

I couldn’t hold back the audible sobs. I held my hands over my mouth and nose and the tears ran over the backs of my gloved fingers.

He let his guard down, quills relaxing and shoulders dropping, “Babe.”

I wanted to say something but all I could do was sob. He stepped over to me and wrapped his arms around me, “I am so sorry for putting you through this. I don’t want you to think that this isn’t hurting me too.” He buried his head into the crook of my neck, “I’m not going anywhere, not yet. I said that I didn’t want to be immortal. That doesn’t mean I want to die.”

I held him as tight as my arms would allow, “I can’t lose you.”

He just kissed my neck, “I’ll keep trying the treatments. I know you don’t want to hear this but, whatever happens, happens. We will confront it together. You’re not alone.”

“I love you so much.” My breath stuttered as I attempted to get a lung full of air.

His eyes met mine as we tangled in each other, then we melted into a kiss. His taste was always so sweet, and even then, after fighting it was if the passion of our anger added to the flavor. He was the sun, and I was the melancholic moon. My tong across his was the flavor of strawberries and the darkest chocolate. When we pulled away it was relief. How long had I been bottling my anger? How long had he? The walls were down and the two of us could see each other past the dark clouds of our situation.

That moment was short lived. I felt my feet stumble over a ledge, a deep dark void that called my name. How far down did that void go? I memorized the look in Shadow’s eyes.

Piercing red with golden flecks. The inner ring was darker and so was the outer ring. It was like staring into an active volcano.

He took both my hands, bare fingers on gloves, as I blinked away the last of my tears, “I’ll clear things up with the kids. I want you to go sit with Amy. I don’t want you to feel like you have to carry this alone.” Then he kissed the backs of my hand’s, and we parted.

I sulked over to Amy, and she offered me her shoulder. I sunk into her as I sat down beside her, She smelled like vanilla, powdered sugar, and just a hint of her floral perfume. I wanted to ignore their conversation, but I couldn’t. Amy sensed my discomfort and pulled an arm around me.

“I wanted to tell you two this while we were at the memorial.” Shadow sat the two down on the picnic bench, “I am very sick, just like Auntie Maria was.”

Maria clung to Shadow for dear life and Zeph crossed his arms and turned away. Shadow looked over to me and I sank deeper into Amy. Then with a weight he continued his explanation.

“I don’t know if I am going to get better. The doctors are doing the best they can to get me better, especially Dr. Prower. But I might not get better.”

Maria pressed her face into Shadow as hard as her little muscles could let her.

Zeph continued to pout and look away.

Shadow gave a small, pained smile, “Did you guys learn what happens to our souls when we die?” He ran his fingers through Maria’s quills, “Our souls go home to be with the primordial Chaos. Auntie Maria is there. Chaos takes good care of our souls. There is no pain, or sadness, or anger.”

I expected the kids to make accusations or ask questions, but their little heads could barely wrap around what they were hearing in the first place.

“Whatever happens, I want you both to know how much I love you. And your baby sister. Daddy Sonic loves you all very much as well. I will try to get better for you guys.”

We all sat in the mix of discomfort. Rouge with a guilty-looking Ruby and a confused Arrow. Shadow with two distressed kiddos. Tails sulked by himself, and I, Amy and Jade curled up on the blanket.

“Well, that fully put a damper on everything.” Knuckles gruff voice snapped the tension. He crossed his arms and leaned against one of the shelters posts, “I get that this isn’t easy for anyone. Trust me, I don’t like it either.” His eyes drifted over to Rouge on the other side of the picnic area. When he looked back to the rest of us, he gave a half grin against his all to serious eyes, “You know what? I think we all have something in common right now, we are angry and have every reason to be.”

Now he had our attention. Shadow, in particular, was turned towards him with intrigue.

Knuckles pressed his fist into his hand and turned fully towards us, “What can we do with that anger?”

“I want to hit the pinata!” Maria pouted.

“Me too!” Zeph added.

Ruby and Arrow chimed in with equal enthusiasm.

“I think we are going to need more pinata’s.” Shadow grinned.

“I can head back into town to the party shop and grab a few more?” Tails offered.

“Pinata isn’t going to cut it for me.” Shadow snorted, “Rouge? You wouldn’t mind grabbing my 45 and some targets? We could set up in the west clearing and take turns.”

“Or we could see what Omega is up to and we could blow up some old cars?” She gave a cheeky smile.

“Ugh,” Shadow grumbled, “I’m not going to be capable of making it out to the junk yard this time. Unless you’re driving me.”

  “Not a problem, hun. Whatever you need.” She went over to him.

I groaned, “Do you really have to go?”

“Don’t get overprotective on me. I might be sick, but nothing is stopping me from blowing off some steam. This is my way of doing it.” Shadow glared at me.

“He will be fine, blue, I won’t let anything happen to him.” Rouge tossed her hip and perched a hand on it.

I sank into resignation.

Knuckles then looked over at the three of us on the blanket, “We got Tails and the kids doing pinatas and Shadow and Rouge are going to go hang out with Omega, how about you two?” He raised one brow waiting for us to respond.

 “I’m good,” Amy shrugged, “I’ll watch Jade here and hangout with the kids.”    

“Sonic?” Knuckles looked over to me, “If anyone has reason to be angry it’s you. What are we doing about that?”

“I…I don’t know..” I stumbled over myself.

“How long has it been since you and I had a sparing match? I don’t think I’ve fought you since we were teenagers.” He rolled his shoulders walking over to me. Once he was within arm’s length he offered me a hand and a sly smile.

I took his hand, it had been a long time since we spared. I didn’t realize how good that sounded until he mentioned it. Usually, I would be out every other week fighting big bads, but this is the longest I have been homebound. My muscles screamed for the chance at excitement. “You haven’t gotten rusty on me, have you?” He joked as I got to my feet.

“I’ve been battling Shadow for over a decade now. I could handle you with my eyes closed.” I teased back.

 

…

 

We all spit off into our respective activities. I found myself on edge still thinking about being separated from Shadow while he goes off to do something dangerous.

“I know that look, your over thinking.” Knux nudged me as we got to the west clearing. It was a field marked off by a row of pines on one side and the stone path that stretched on the other side. It was the perfect spot for sports. We usually used this field as a place to play football or soccer, or even let Tails try out one of his new gadgets.

“I just hate that Shadow is so careless with his own heath.” I gritted my teeth.

“You know him as well as any of us do. Shadow isn’t going to let some disease tell him what to do with his life. He’s never let anything dictate his life.” Knuckles Spin Dashed across the field to show off and then turned to face me. He pulled back his shoulders and clenched his oversized fists, his eyes ablaze.

“This is different.” I fumed.

“Different how?” He projected his voice. It was somehow both taunting and fatherly. “Come on, I know what you showed Shadow back there was only the surface of your rage. Let me have it!”

I took a running leap and flew into a Spin Dash. As I came down, I fell straight into him. It was a flash of white, and the sting of impact against my back. He tossed me back into the air with the hit. I flipped and caught myself on hand and both feet on the soil.

A burst of inferno ignited inside me. “He could die.” My heart stung at the words.

Knuckles dashed; his fist reared back. I got up and dodged. He was a flurry of red. I was a blur of blue. I recalled a few tricks Shadow taught me. I didn’t have the same Chaos Energy he had but I had enough.

“Chaos Control!” I disappeared and got behind him. Once Knux was disoriented, I brought a leg up and knocked him to the ground.

He huffed as he pried himself off the dirt, “I forgot you could do that,” he spat.

 “How do you feel?” He dusted himself off.

“Angry!” I sped around him, fists flying, making circles and he blocked every hit. Arms, feet, fists, and legs clashing. Each impact made my anger flair harder.

“Say it! don’t hold back, I know your still bottling.” He growled, “You’re faster, meaner than this. Don’t let your idea of being a hero hold you back from being honest.”

He was a match dropping into my pool of gasoline, “It’s not fair!” my eyes stung.

I ripped back at him, this time pouring my rage into it. My fist connected with the side of his face and he stumbled, “That’s the rage, I am looking for,” He rubbed where I hit.

He pulled both fists back and moves with a ferocity that I could barely prepare for. I dipped and felt the air from his swing brush along my face.

 “What’s not fair?!” He reeled back to give me space.

I struggled to catch my breath, not because of the physical exertion, but because of the billowing smoke rising from my chest, “He’s a father, he’s a husband, he shouldn’t be dying!” I bared my fangs.

Knuckles muscles rippled, “It hurts, it’s excruciating, isn’t it?!”

I tossed once more into a Spin Dash and rocketed against his chest. He flew through the air and skidded across the dirt, the soil kicking up around him, leaving a crater in the ground.

“It’s agony!” I growled feeling my eyes burn.

When Knuckles got back up his long red quills draped around his face, darkening his expression, “I want to hear you say it. Those words you refuse to say because you believe that they solve nothing. How do you really feel about it.”

I was frozen. Was he really pushing me to this point? There was no resisting it at this point, “I HATE IT! I HATE ALL OF THIS!”

“That’s it, Let the rage out!” He egged.

“I HATE THAT DISEASE! I HATE SHADOW FOR NOT FIGHTING HARDER! I HATE GUN! I HATE WATCHING HIM SUFFER! I….I… I hate feeling so helpless.”

My eyes were so blurry I didn’t see him come to me to give me a hug. I must have been about to faint because when I connected with him, he was holding my full weight. Then he guided me to the ground, “You’ve never been unable to save someone before, and the thought that you might not be able to save Shadow this time is overwhelming.”

“He doesn’t want to be saved,” I buried my head into his shoulder, “I’m so exhausted.”

“I understand buddy, this is shit. I’m just glad to help you get all of that out of your system. How about I get you home and the rest of us will manage the kids and Shadow while you get some sleep.” He rubbed my back.

I blinked away the tears, “That sounds nice.”

Sleep. It wasn’t until he mentioned it that I realized that I hadn’t been sleeping. Not as well as I should have been. It had been a long time since I felt that tired.   

            June 19^th, I love you because you are the song to my heart.

He left me a bouquet; it was on the bed when I got back to the house.

…

I woke up next to him. As still as he was sleeping it froze over my insides. His chest rose and fell, and I shuttered, a relief that came with a sickening aftertaste. That void from the day before called my name once more and sat down on its edge and asked it how far down. If I fell, could I survive hitting the bottom?

As I watched his sleeping form, I noticed evidence of how the illness had affected him. His fur wasn’t as dark. It was a dull charcoal grey even in low light. Even his reds had faded to a muted crimson. I could see the shape of his cheek bones more than usual, his face just a bit gaunter, just a bit more hollow. I wasn’t afraid to say it to myself this time, I hated it.

The sounds of screaming children shot me out of bed. I dashed out to the living room to find Maria and Zeph fighting over a box of glitter markers. The two pulled until the box ripped open and the floor was scattered with a rainbow of sparkly sticks. Maria threw her tiny claws at Zeph and I snatched her just before he could get a solid scratch across his eye. Maria burst into tears, and I slinked down onto the floor with her. Why did Shadow have to teach her that?

 Jade busied herself with scootching her little body along the floor, reaching for one of the glitter markers. Amy growled from the rocking chair. Her eyes were heavy and ringed in dark circles. Rouge was strung out on the couch sleeping on her stomach. Even with the summer sun the room was as dim as dusk.

“Rough night?” I asked Amy. Before Jade could get the orange marker, I took it from her.

Amy gave me a look that felt defeated and angry, “Maria had nightmares, and Zeph wouldn’t sleep until one.”

“What time did Shadow get back?” I petted Maria’s head till she calmed, and she went to collect the markers, before Zephyr could take all of them.

“I don’t remember, it was after midnight. Rouge had to carry him to bed because he passed out. Then she stayed up with me to take care of the kids but fell asleep around two thirty.”

“Go get some sleep, I got the kids. I hate that I left you to deal with that all night.” My chest tightened thinking about it. Amy shouldn’t have been slaving all night over the kids because I can’t handle my emotions. There it was again, that deep helpless feeling. The void felt just a bit more inviting.

“Don’t feel bad, you needed your sleep. I know it been difficult.” Amy slumped and rubbed her face.

“It’s difficult for all of us. Everything is fucked and it’s all bull shit.” I never tasted so much bitterness on my own voice.

Amy looked taken aback. She sat up and widened her eyes, “That doesn’t sound like you at all.”

“I’m tired of trying to hold it together. Not like I have been doing a very good job in the first place.” I exhaled as a layer of darkness painted over my vision turning everything muted.

Her eyes glistened and she pulled her knees up to her chest, “I’m trying to be strong for you guys but… I can’t.”

“Ames.” I sighed. I didn’t mean to set her off but clearly seeing me upset like that struck a nerve. “Seriously, go get some sleep. I can handle it. We’ll get through this. I appreciate everything you’ve been doing.”

She let a few tears drip and then she put her feet down and nodded, “Thanks.”

“If you still need to talk later, we can talk.” I shood her off. She dragged her tail to the guest room and shut the door with a heavy click.

I just laid myself on the floor and subjected myself to the chaos.

I wish it was me who was dying and not him

My blood turned to ice. Did I just really think that? I looked at my kids. How true was that thought? I can’t be thinking like that…that’s not me… I can’t.

At least if it were me, I would stop at nothing to get better

That fact was true. But the implications of the thought were just beyond the surface. Like demons behind a veil, daring me to rip the curtain back and listen to every scathing word and taunt they had to say. I wasn’t going to follow the chain of thoughts. I had to find some kind of positivity. That’s what everyone expects of me…. Isn’t it?

I was pulled out of my fog by Zeph putting a finger in Rouges’ sleeping face and getting a swat in return, “Go bug your dad… I’m sleeping.” She groaned.

I smiled at Zeph behind slitted eyes, “Let her sleep, buddy.”

The little black hedgehog looked at me dead in the eyes and poked her again, his tiny finger hitting way too close to her nose.

“Ow! Damn it.” She sat up and rubbed the spot he jabbed.

Once she was sitting, Zeph climbed up onto the couch and found her lap. “Sorry Rouge, I guess he was just wanting your attention.”

“Yeah,” She sighed, getting herself in a comfortable position to snuggle with the hoglet.

“Amy said you guys were out late, how was that?” I decided to pick up some of the toy and marker mess that scattered the living room.

She rubbed her eyes and nodded a couple of times before forcing herself to be fully awake, “It was pretty good. After we hung out at the junk yard, we went to the shooting range for a while and then chased around the Central City.”

 “Sounds like you guys had a lot of fun,” My voice was duller than I intended it to be. 

She gave a weary smile, “Just trying to make the best of a bad situation,” Then she gave a snort as she held Zephyr to her chest, “I don’t think Omega really understands what’s going on. We tried to talk about it when we were hanging out on the suspension bridge, he suggested that Gerald should have created a back up and that the Ultimate Lifeform shouldn’t be this faulty. I think that hurt Shadow’s feelings a bit, but he brushed it off. We know how Omega sees the world. Complexed emotions are not his thing.”

“Fair,” I smirked, “How about I put some cartoons on for you kiddos. I’m going to hunt down some breakfast and start a pot of coffee.” As I got the TV tuned on, I returned to Rouge, “You should join me in the kitchen, there’s stuff I want to talk about without the kids listening.”

Rouge nodded. Before I left the littles to their own devices, I got out Jades play pin and made sure she was content in there with her toys. Then I made sure Zeph and Maria had got breakfast. They both told me about the doughnuts that Amy had been bringing home from the bakery. Amy must have given Jade her bottle around then.

When I got to the kitchen, Rouge beat me to the coffee pot. The room filled with the smell of earthy, caffeinated beans and she settled herself down in the seat next to me, “I imagine your wanting to discuss GUN.”

“How did you know?” I found the box of pastries on the table and helped myself to the blueberry cake doughnuts.

“Tails told me about his little theory. I’ve been doing my own investigation on the matter. I figured it was only a matter of time before you came asking if I got any answers.” She rested an elbow on the table and used her fist to prop her head. “Shadow knows I’m doing this. He wishes I wouldn’t but I’m not going to feel right until I know for myself.”

“Does Abraham know?” I raised a brow.

“No. It’s best if he stays out of it. It would draw too much attention if he joined the investigation and then we would be running into even more red tape. He might be the commander, but this organization has the shadiest bureaucratic nonsense I have ever seen. We are talking buried files behind, no name figures, piled under years of meaningless garble, then redactions and ‘lost’ records and ‘clearance issues’. What information I do have, I had to pull shady shit just to get my hands on.” The coffee pot clicked to let us know it was full, and she got up to make us a few mugs. I had to have mine half full of creamer. Hers was black.  

“What do you have?” I took a sip as she returned to her seat.

“Not much so far. From what I can tell, every scientist that worked on Project Shadow, after Gerald was executed, is dead now. But I do know that they continue to do work. Whatever goals they had, I’m unsure, but I have a few leads I am working on.” She sat her coffee down and staired into it as if she was looking for answers, her fingers clutched around it almost straining, “I always justified my involvement with GUN as getting what I need for myself, but if they are behind this… I don’t know if I can stomach continuing to work with them. What Shadow went through was enough without this.”

I recognized the look on her face. She was a mirror of my own pain. I reached out and grabbed her hand, “I appreciate it. I can tell this is hurting you.”

She scrunched her eyes shut and sighed, melting into a smile. When she looked back at me her teal eyes gave a glint, “Ask Knuckles, I have been impossible to live with lately. I’m just lucky that he is so patient with me. Regardless,” She sat herself up and stretched, “We can’t just waste too much time moping about this. Shadow wouldn’t want us feeling sorry for ourselves over him. I’m just glad we took last night to relive the glory days. Maybe if he recovers enough, we could make another go for it. Poor baby was struggling to admit that he hit his limit. I have never seen him so eager to be a part of the world. It’s refreshing.”

“I really don’t like they idea of him going out and exhausting himself like that.” I held a hand to my chest feeling like I was clinging onto invisible strings. How thin they were and how easily they could snap.

“He’s losing a lot with this disease. He told me how much he hates it last night. I figure, what’s the point of living if you can’t enjoy it?” Her smile reminded me of his. That soft, somber, peaceful smile. I couldn’t argue with her logic.

            June 20^th, no note

Shadow slept the whole day. Eventually he wandered out to the living room to join our lazy day in. I felt so distant from him.

            June 21^st, I love you because you always put others first, even when you are feeling your worst

            June 22^nd, I love you because you are a natural leader, I hope you never lose that spark

 

I don’t think I had said a word to Shadow in days. At least not anything that wasn’t just a simple acknowledgement. He had such a hurt look on his face when I rejected his affection that morning. But when he touched me, it felt like knives. I don’t even think that the note from the day before ever made it into the box with the rest of them.

“You don’t do well when you isolate like that,” he reminded me.

I just shrugged and walked away, “Leave me alone.”  

Leaving Shadow in the kitchen, I wandered to the couch and curled up into a ball, as tight as my body would allow me.

It was a weird form of self-comfort. I could make myself into a perfect ball and hide in my mess of quills, nothing but my eyes poking out of the space between my knees.

I watched Shadow look over me and shake his head. He had words behind those lips, but he pulled them tight. I could see it in the tension of his eyes and the muscles of his jaw. The distance between us couldn’t have been further. And that space was filled with nothing but unaddressed pain. He walked away, leaving me to my sulk.

I must have fallen asleep like that because when I woke up the house was quiet. Amy must have taken the kids out. She had been doing that a lot lately. I unfolded and took in the deep melancholy of the silence.

There was nothing special about our living space. Just brown furniture, an oak entertainment center that held a decent-sized TV and a few game consoles. I looked over our extensive collection of video games. When was the last time I just zoned out and played? I can’t help but brag, but I have always been amazing at platformers. Shadow and I wasted so many of our days before we got married, playing. I remembered the games we played side by side, giving each other shit and laughing our heads off. We were competitive with each other over the dumbest things. One night I caught him up at four in the morning trying to beat one of my scores. He had been at it for a solid eight hours. It was a time that was next to impossible to beat, and he managed to get it by two seconds.  He bragged about it for weeks.

I smiled at the memory. It was a balm to my constantly distressed soul. And just as I reached the top of the cloud and saw sunlight, the memories end brought me back down.

I wish I was dead

The thought was a punch to the gut. It seemed I was less in control of those thoughts with each passing day. But when those thoughts would surface it scratched an itch.

I’m in so much pain. If he’s expecting me to watch him die, I want to die too.

The truth in that thought was crushing. How much further down? I asked the void.

Black and Red. That sleek figure appeared in the room with a quiet ease to where I jumped at seeing him. He looked…different.

No more of that charcoal grey, he was jet black and his fur filled out, full and lustrous. He propped himself against the front door. He came in from the front door didn’t he? I didn’t hear the door open or shut. But the glow of the sunset coming in through the living room window cast him into a deep silhouette that mesmerized me.

“What happened to you?” I asked, wondering if this was just a dream.

“Just something I wanted to try for your special day. And It’s working a lot better than I anticipated. I feel like my old self again.” His smile could have split his face in two.  He stepped towards me, the light dancing around him turning him into a glowing, ethereal beast. He gave me those rubies, burning red fire that ate into my soul. “But that’s my little secret, not for you to find out.”

“Well, whatever it is, keep doing it, I like seeing you like this.” I savored the view.

The ripple of his muscles and the sharp angles of his stature. It was as if nothing had changed. My Shadow. A dark god that could consume me whole with just his gaze. Those broad shoulders and chest that showed just how unmovable that he could be. A mountain that made me it’s shadow. His darkness and those piercing red windows to his soul left me quivering. He had the smokiest expression; those half-closed eyes told me every thought he had. I was his prey.

“There’s no way. When I saw you this morning you looked half dead.” I scoffed.

“That’s the miracle of medicine, my love. I will be honest with you. I don’t know if this will last.” He said as he climbed onto the couch.

“What do you mean?” My voice stuttered. Shadow climbed over me before I could continue protesting.

“I don’t want you asking too many questions. It’s your birthday. I want you to pretend, just for tonight, that I was never sick.” He breathed those words into the sensitive skin under my jaw. I swallowed in response.

“But what if…?

“No what ifs.” He looked me dead in the eyes.

I couldn’t breathe. He had me pressed into the cushions with that hungry look in his eyes. Oh, how long it had been since I had seen that desire in his eyes. Those red eyes glimmered with an adoration that I could only compare to a cat capturing its mouse. I shrunk back in his aura. What he had in mind for me was all that I wanted. I didn’t want to ask questions anymore. We were famished, and it was time to end the famine.

As he pressed into me, I devoured that kiss. His lips were so soft. As I allowed my tong to find its way around, I found those fangs. They were as sharp as ever. Interments of pain that I craved. I loved his bites. He could tear into me and draw blood. I loved the look on his face as he lapped it up. I called him my vampire. A darkened immortal that held my life in his hands. The fear that he gave me only added to my arousal.

Fighting? That was our form of foreplay. We would go at each other till we were bruised underneath the fur. Black and blue. Once the heat was over, the passion ensued.

In a moment of clarity, I worried for him again.

“I don’t want to hurt you.” A gasp left me, as I brought myself up for air. “I don’t want you to be doing something stupid just for us to fool around.”

He gave me no time to think, “I said no more what ifs.” He grabbed between my legs, and I jumped. I was already so sensitive, and he just had to be possessive.

With the other hand he clenched around my jaw and forced me back into the kiss. We fell deep into that kiss, and I enjoyed every corner of his mouth. Then he pulled away and brushed his nose up the side of my face, “Let me have control. Be a good boy for me and I will make you feel good. Nothing else matters tonight.”

My mind went blank. The way he whispered in my ear. The warmth of his breath, the coolness of his words. We were alone. Not only in the fact that there were no bodies, but the world didn’t exist anymore. It was just this. His dark form looming over me, a deep oppressive force that I could just let go into. He was safe. Dangerous and protective. My captor, and every bit of control I could have I was ready to relinquish to him.

I was not me, instead I was an extension of him.

We played these games before; I knew my role. He was master and I was slave. Or sometimes brat. But now, I didn’t want to be anything other than slave. Carrying the weight of the past two months was too much. It was nice to let it all go.

I closed my eyes and gave in to the kiss once more. He braced himself on the couch arm and toyed with me with his free hand. Soon the tingles rippled from my spine to the place between my thighs. My arousal pressed its way out of my pouch, and he took hold.

“Fuck, Shadow.” I cursed.

His fingers rubbed along the length, “That’s the way I like you, putty in my hands.”

He only brushed along it, encouraging it to throb and long for him. Oh, how I needed it. I ached to the point where my muscles squirmed.

Then he pulled away. He focused on the kisses. He trailed them down my neck and over my chest and belly. Then he landed right on the bridge of my hip bone.

“Shads, stop teasing, you’re killing me.” I groaned.  

He sat up and left me in anticipation, “We are savoring tonight. You don’t cum until I decide you do.”

I shuttered. Every muscle in my body reacted. It was as if he triggered a shock reaction. I throbbed harder and craved his touch so much more. It was a void inside me that desperately needed filled.

He got off the couch and swept me up in his arms, “My game, my rules, shower first.”

I wrapped my legs around his waist and arms around his head. He got me worked, up just to get me in the shower? What was he intending to do. Shower sex is so difficult.

Just a few days ago he couldn’t hold me for a few seconds, now he was carrying me to the shower. Then it occurred to me, I had neglected myself the past few days. Was it that evident? A wave of shame washed over me.

“What’s with the shower?” I asked as he placed me inside. He stepped in the tub with me.

“You have been taking care of me. I’ve seen how you’ve been the past few days. I just want to care for you the way I used to.” Then he pressed his body up against mine, “I need this.”

He kissed my neck a few times before reaching behind me and turning the shower on. The water ran over us and the steam billowed, filling the room with comforting moisture.

“Be a doll. Let me do the work for you.” He smiled at me with sultry eyes.

He grabbed my luffa and drenched it in my soap. The scent was wild berry.

“You are so gorgeous,” He cooed as he ran the soapy sponge down my body. I soaked it in. To be cared for, after so much time aching over his ailing condition. Caring for those rambunctious kids and trying to keep our household afloat while he struggled to exist. For once, none of that existed. I was his damsel. No more trying to be the hero. For once, I let it all go and felt the comfort of his hands running along my body, working lather into my filthy fur. He pressed himself in behind me. His own arousal finding its way between my cheeks.

It was soothing as they cleansed under my arms and over my torso. And my longing still desired his touch. He brought those soap covered hands down to the space between my legs, and he grabbed hold of that member once more. It yearned for the friction, and I felt the ache building inside me. The luffa rubbed between my thighs and soaped up the sack that held my primal desire. The soap became the perfect lube, as he worked me into a frenzy. Each tug brought me closer.

“Sh..shad… oh fuck.” I cursed.

“No, not yet.” He tisked.

“Fuck, you’re and asshole.” I gritted my teeth.

“Trust me, it’s better this way.” He dropped it and moved his hands to my back. “The longer you have to wait, the better it will be when I finally give it to you.”

There was a wave of pleasure with those words. Just a bit of pre dripped from my tip at his voice. I struggled to relax as he changed activity. He filled his hands with more soap and worked them into my quills.

He massaged deep into the matted mess that my quills had become. I breathed into it, my mind torn between what my loins wanted and what my soul wanted.

His hands were magic. He found his way to my scalp and soon every bit of discomfort I had been holding onto dissipated. He worked out the tension that held my mind intwined.  

“No more thinking about it,” He murmured into my ear. It was sweet relief, giving me permission to let go of any last apprehensions I held onto.

Mind empty, only desire, and the patients to wait for him to give me that release.

His and only his. I was nothing. Nothing, but in this moment a piece of his desire. And in this, an extension of pleasure, his toy, his plaything, and I was honored to be a part of his games. My Shadow.

As I was a puddle of pleasure in his hands, the shower was over. He flipped me around and showed me those wolf eyes.

Devour me, I begged him with my own expression.

He licked his lips, “Tell me what you want. Don’t hold back.”

“Destroy me. Ruin me. I want to be nothing but yours.” I begged.

His teeth pulled along his lip and then he flashed those pearly fangs, “Say no more.”

Dripping wet, He pulled me up into his arms bridal style. And in a few swift movements, he tossed me onto the bed. The fabric of the sherpa stuck to my still moist fur. I pulled back creating space for him on the bed and spread my legs to invite him in.

My muscles tensed as if to beckon him to dominate me. I worried that I would cum just from the anticipation.

“How much longer do you think you can last?” He asked me. His eyes bore into me from the foot of the bed.

I squirmed in response, “Not much longer.”

I hated having to be honest about this. I didn’t have any stamina in me. It had been far too long since we had done this. Before we were married, we were at this two times a day. Even after we had kids we still fooled around once a week at least. The best part was when we were on missions, and we would sneak off together. Since he got sick, we hadn’t had sex once.

Now he was staring me down like a hungry jackal waiting for me to be in the right position for him to pounce. He was sizing me up. How did he want that meal?  

He continued to size me up as he paced around the bed. The fiery hue of his eyes leaving me breathless as he moved to the bedside table. He pulled out a bottle of lube and leaped into the bed. Once he was in position, he brought my legs over his shoulders.

I rolled my head back in anticipation. Then, as I pulled my eyes closed, I felt it, two fingers pressed into my taint. He massaged me from the inside, and I ached for more. That sweet spot he played with, made me shake with each pass.

 “Huh, fuck, you trimmed your claws for this.” I started gasping at each thrust.

“I have been planning this for over a week. Don’t think for a minute I was only thinking about my own birthday.” He pressed even harder into me making the tension worse.

“Ho..How did I not notice?” I struggled for breath.

“Because, you’ve had a lot on your mind. I don’t hold a thing against your love.”

Then he turned that mischievous smile on full blast, “Are you primed enough?”

“Please.” My voice shuttered as I let it out, “Give it to me. I will take all of it, be as rough as you want. And… could you bite me too?”

“Oh, I would love too.” His fangs glinted in the lamp light.

He pressed his body into me and his mouth came down on my shoulder. Before I knew it he was tearing into me both mouth and cock.

Victim. That’s what I desired. To be his pleasure and he was mine as a result. I rode it out, pain and desire. Ache and need. The deeper he got, the harder I felt, the more he tore into my flesh with those teeth. I was his meal. The prey finally caught. And with each thrust he grunted with enjoyment at his prize.

I loved it. I felt so full and felt so stimulated. He knew how to hit every spot just right. He knew me and my desire like he knew himself.

“C.. Can I.. Oh fuck.. Can I cum?” I pleaded.

“I’m almost there, give me a few more.”  He kissed the crook of my neck.

“Right there.” I ached as he drilled harder.

“Oh Chaos!” He released, and so did I.

Ecstasy. And he nailed that coffin shut by pulling away and taking my arousal into his mouth before the cum could be wasted.

“Shads, you’re such a kink.” I moaned as he drank me up.

“Just the way you like me.” He licked his lips and slid up beside me.   

We sank into the afterglow. I still wondered how he was able to have that much energy. Why did he not want me to question it? How long was he going to keep secrets from me?

He just had to prey on the fact that I was desperately horny and pent up. Now I had the post nut clarity the questions sank in.

“Shadow. I want you to be honest, what kind of medication was it that you took?” My voice was harsh.

He didn’t answer.

“Don’t play possum on me, what was it?” My voice turned urgent.

 “It’s none of your business.” He grumbled, pulling me tight.

“If it wasn’t a problem, you wouldn’t be hiding it from me. I’m tired of you hiding shit. Tell me what it was.”

Shadow sighed, “You’re going to freak out.”

“I’m going to freak out one way or another. And if Tails was a part of this…”

“Leave Dr. Prower out of this. I asked for it.”

“Asked for what?” I fumed.

Shadow propped himself up to look me in the eyes. Then he gave into defeat, “The drug was to enhance my healing factor, but it was only temporary. Which means…”

“It could hasten the disease.” I spoke grimly.

His eyes squinted as he nodded, “Dr. Prower suspects that my healing factor is tied to my disease. So when he developed this drug it was only to be a temporary solution to ease symptoms. I knew the risks, and… I asked for it.”

“Why?” I felt like crying as I sat myself up. I was so tired of crying.

“We aren’t going to find a cure, Sonic. It’s as simple as that. I want to enjoy the time I have left. You know me, my life never meant more to me than my identity and I had to fight for that.” He sat up and folded his knees into his chest, “I spent my whole life being told who to be. And now I have a disease trying to control that narrative. If it means I die sooner, so be it, at least I lived.”

I burst into sobs, “Stop dancing around it. Just say it already.”

“Say what?” His eyes teared up as he looked back at me.

“Tell me you want to die. Rip the Chaos damned band aid off and tell me that you just want it over with. You want to die.”

“Fine, fuck it, I do want to die. It’s my life. It’s my body. I told you I didn’t want to be immortal… what happens if I survive this? I go back to being immortal? I can’t do that. I refuse to. This is my chance to get out while I still can.”

“Just fucking rip my heart out wouldn’t you.” I choked.

“Stop making it about you. I get that you are grieving but I can’t live like this. I deserve to have control over that. You know it full well. We had these talks before we even got married. You know my wishes.” Then he calmed himself. He looked me over and saw my distress, “It… It hurts a lot for you right now. It’s going to, for a long time. But it’s better this way. I love you so much, babe.” He reached out for me, and I crawled into his arms. I fell into the cradle between his legs and chest and his arms pulled my head in as close as possible.

“You might not understand it now, but one day you will.” He kissed the top of my head. I looked down that void and I stopped questioning. I jumped right in.