Sayonara

Project Shadow Log:

            Entry: 000267

            The subject has been taken into containment and placed in stasis. The specimen is influenced by its creators Prof. Gerald Robotnik and Black Doom. These influences are deemed dangerous and must be resolved to continue this project. The subject is a threat to human life outside of more competent and non-hostile authority.  Our goal is to separate the subject from these influences and substitute them with the influence of GUN’s high commanders.  

 

Maria’s glossy eyes flashed in Shadow’s mind. He saw the blood. He heard her body collapse to the ground.

Shadow opened his eyes. Green fluid surrounded him. It was cold. He attempted to inhale, but there was nothing to inhale. His lungs were already full of fluid. He fought to move, and the fluid kept him in place. What made him panic most was the inability to move his head. He was forced to only take in his environment through the movement of his eyes and the sounds he could make out from behind the glass tube he was in.

He saw in the edges of his vision the cords and wires that were strung to him. An IV planted in each arm. Electrodes attached to his chest. And he recognized the sensation of electrodes on his head.

What were they going to do to him? The more he fought to move the more adrenaline dumped. He saw the bustle of scientists outside of his containment chamber. How they looked at him with such cold calculated stares.

A person… That’s all he ever wanted to be and now…

“Subject is conscious. Heart rate is up. The stress will impede our research. Administer 10mg of Propofol.” A man in a lab coat instructed.

Shadow’s panic consumed him. He saw the IV in the corner of his eye. The one on the right side dripped with the medication until it filled and pushed into his vein. He fought with all he could, his muscles screaming in retaliation.

            Hopeless. Trapped. And he fought it even as the drugs shut down his consciousness.

            He wanted to cry, but he couldn’t.

            His last thought before he was forced into the darkness was of Maria.

 

 

Project Shadow Log:

Entry: 000338

                Prof. Gerald Robotnik, while under custody, has been allowed to continue working on the project. The professor has been informed that we aim to reprogram the specimen to only adhere to the orders of GUN commanders. He has agreed to help us achieve our goals in exchange for his freedom.

Attempts to reprogram the specimen have failed outside of the professor’s involvement. Our chances of success have increased significantly with him on the team.

 

Shadow’s head spun as he returned to consciousness. Seeing Gerald on the other side of the glass felt like seeing a ghost.

Gerald should have been dead. So much blood. So much violence and for what? Shadow wondered if he really was such a monster that they had to commit such atrocities because of his existence.

The old man and his silver eyes behind small round glasses had the same cold lifeless stare that he saw the day they first met outside of the tank.

“They took everything from us, Shadow.” He said his voice as dark as the grave, “I need you to make them suffer for this. I’ll do you a favor and make sure you don’t feel it this time.”

Gerald filled a mechanism on the side of the tank with medication and soon Shadow felt the effects of it as it trickled into the IV.

Shadow squinted his eyes as he realized that the other scientists weren’t present. His sense of reality blurred as the medication stripped him of consciousness once more. Was what he remembered of Maria real or imagined? The image of her lifeless body seared into his mind before he fell back into the darkness.  

  

Project Shadow Log:

Entry: 000342

            Prof. Gerald Robotnik was caught tampering with the subject and has been sentenced to the death penalty. The specimen now shows signs of heightened hostility through brain mapping. The subject’s potential threat to humanity has increased substantially and action must be taken immediately to resolve this.

The team has been briefed on these changes and will be making a concerted effort to deprogram the new destructive instruction embedded in the subject.

            It is crucial that we ensure the subject stays in captivity. Added security measures have been put into place to prevent further tampering or release of the specimen. Guard staff has been doubled to ensure this.

 

“We can’t keep the subject alive. It is too dangerous.” A young male scientist fumed.

“Doctor, we are under strict instruction to continue our goal of reprogramming the specimen.” A female scientist retorted.

Shadow's vision returned to him as he took in the mess of scientists. Many of whom looked stressed and overtaxed. Steel desks strung with papers, monitors beeped and flickered, equipment sat disorganized in clusters around the room. Shadow felt pain in the back of his neck.

Kill them. Burn this world. Get revenge.

The rage pulsed through his veins as he watched them scurry about like ants. What were they doing to him? The powerlessness was worse than death itself. And his muscles strained and ached to break free.

Hopeless, Trapped, RAGE.

They took everything from me! They killed her! Everyone must die! Suffer and die!

“Specimen is conscious!” The blur of a female scientist caught his attention. Before he could make much more sense of what was going on, both IVs flooded with the medication that put him to sleep every time.

If he couldn’t escape, if he couldn’t satiate his blood lust, he longed for death.

He should never have been created.

 

Project Shadow Log:

Entry: 000410

            Attempts to reprogram the subject have continued to fail. The threat that this project maintains to humanity is still of major concern.

            Dr. Anthony Ions has brought to the attention of the board several arguments as to why the project should be shut down and the specimen should be exterminated. All propositions have been turned down. High commanders still demand that the specimen be reprogrammed. The project has been deemed by them as too valuable to be wasted.

            If we continue to fail at reprogramming the subject, the chances of humanities survival diminish. We cannot afford to let this specimen be outside of the control of GUN.

 

Shadow awoke to a dark lab. Two voices conversed in his head.

FIGHT. PUNISH. KILL

I can’t go on. Please let me die…

            Maria asked me to avenge her. But after that can I die? When do I get to be free of this? I will never get out of here. Maria asked for vengeance. I need to avenge her. I want to die.

The door to the lab opened and a familiar face showed. Almond eyes and dark clean-cut hair. That was the one he heard say that he shouldn’t be alive. Shadow wondered if he would be granted mercy from this human.

Shadow’s eyes struggled to adjust as he looked at the man through the green goo. As he watched, he was reminded of the pain in the back of his neck. No matter how desperately he wanted to know what was happening to him, he had to accept that he would never have the comfort of that knowledge.

“I was hoping you wouldn’t be awake.” The doctor met his eyes.

As long as Shadow had been in the tank, not one scientist other than his creator bothered to look him in the eyes.

“I’m sorry you had to be brought into this world. It’s been nothing but cruel to you, hasn’t it?” His voice was so calm and empathetic, “I suppose I am not any better.”

The doctor shook his head and went over to where the samples were kept, in heated incubation. Several small square doors set into the wall. He unlocked the door with the set of keys he kept in his chest pocket. The drawer slid open, and he extracted a test tube from inside. He held it in his hand and his eyes sank into thought.

“If they would have let me, I could have made this quick and painless for you.” He buried his eyes in his free hand and then ran it through his hair, “They are going to notice that a sample is gone. No… I have to do this. I just hope my calculations are correct.

The doctor looked back at Shadow. Shadow tried to piece together what he was hearing. If the scientist was planning to kill him, why couldn’t he make it quick and painless? What was he about to do to him?

“I wish you wouldn’t look at me like that.” The doctor groaned.

Shadow looked away and noticed that the red lights of the security cameras were off. Shadow panicked, what was the doctor going to do to him?

“I imagine you were allowed to study on the ARK, somewhat. You should at least know of recent events. Nine years ago, atomic bombs were dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. The world hasn’t been the same since.” The doctors’ eyes twisted in pain, “So much devastation. So many innocent lives lost. The cities are uninhabitable and…” He closed his eyes and grimaced as he walked over to the stasis chamber, “Humans are the real monsters. I don’t blame you for wanting to destroy us. They took everything from me too.”

His eyes went distant as he opened a slot in the mechanism under the stasis chamber, “You are a weapon of mass destruction. Humans can’t be trusted with that kind of power. Even if we could sever your ties with Black Doom, or deprogram the destructive drive that Gerald put in you, you would still be a threat. Something that would bring fear to the human race as much as those bombs.”

Shadow watched, feeling his rage give way to acceptance. Whatever fate this scientist had for him, it was a deserved fate. As much as he hated the human race, they deserved the chance to fight for their survival.

The doctor used a long needled syringe to pull from the test tube and squeezed the sample into the pill shaped container that came out of the slot. Then he pushed it back in. Shadow heard the whir of the mechanism that caused the pain in his neck.

“I already have to come up with an explanation for the missing sample. It will be harder to explain away the missing anesthetic. Yes, this is cruel but honestly, the cruelest thing was the fact that Professor Robotnik gave you a soul.”

Pain stabbed into the back of Shadow’s head, right into the soft space between the spine and the skull. It ripped into agony as it drilled in, turning his vision white. Every muscle tensed under his frozen form. The pain consumed his whole body.

He couldn’t scream. He couldn’t cry. But behind closed eyes he begged for the suffering to end.

The pain stopped. His muscles relaxed and a hot numb filled his body.

Please. I just want to be with her again.

…

I pulled him in close, “Shadow?”

His eyes flickered open before clenching shut again and he hissed through gritted teeth, “My head fucking hurts, Faker!”

He attempted to get away from me only for his body to restrain him, his muscles shaking and joints straining as he pushed against my grasp. Eventually giving up, he sank his face into my chest and screamed. My fur muffled the sound.

My soul shattered into a million pieces.

Fix this. I need to fix this. We need to get home…

I looked around as I held Shadow, his body quivering as he eased. I had no clue where we were. I could run us home, but how long would it take for me to find it?

My chest felt wet where he pressed his face into, “What’s wrong with me?” he whimpered.

I gave a stuttered sigh, “It’s going to be okay, honey. We just got to find a way to get to Tails and he can fix this.”

“I’m not your, honey.” He growled.

“It’s the memory loss. You don’t remember.” I attempted to bring him back to the present.

His muscles tightened as he hollered in pain again. Once he caught his breath he laid his ear against my heart, “Tails… Miles…” He murmured. “I can get us there, I just need to..”

“Don’t!” I stopped him, “You're already in enough pain. If you use Chaos Control, it will only get worse.”

“Bullshit. Don’t tell me what to do.”

“Shadow, please.” I begged.

I sat up, adjusting him into my lap. Pain up my back and along my head screamed at me. A jarring throb in my head blurred my vision. I fought past it. I couldn’t let him teleport us, not in this condition.

When I looked at Shadow’s face it was dripping with tears. He reached out and held mine, “You’re covered in blood… This is my fault, isn’t it?”

“No, it’s not. We were both being idiots.” I pushed air out of my nose in a failed attempt to find humor in this.

Shadow grimaced, “Amy did say we are two halves of the same idiot.”

The throbbing got worse, and a wave of nausea buckled me over. This was not the condition to be in to run. Stranded in the middle of nowhere without any way to get home, no Emeralds…. No Emeralds?

I scrunched my brow and looked over Shadow. He folded over and hid himself in my embrace, “I know I love you. I don’t remember why. My head hurts so much.”

At least he remembered the important thing.

If Shadow was created from a Chaos Emerald and his soul would return to the Chaos Emerald, could I use him like one? Would I hurt him by doing so? The more I thought about it the more I realized I had no choice.

“Com’on honey.” I coaxed him deeper into my embrace, holding his head to my chest once more, “I’m sorry if I hurt you doing this. But It’s better that I do it than you. I don’t even think you can remember where the clinic is.”

 “You’re not taking me to a hospital.” His voice seethed.

 “We have to go. I know you're scared.”

 “I’m not scared.”

I clasped a hand around his head and focused on his energy. It was still warm, and it still sparkled with the beauty of the night sky, but it felt dimmer. That fact didn’t sit well with me. I had to do this. The throb in my head continued to nag and threatened to make me pass out.

I thought about home. I thought about Tails, and I focused on the image of the clinic. It was clear as day in my mind.

The air around us flashed, that deep muted green, and when the light faded, we were sitting on the floor of the clinic lobby.

Gasps and a few screams greeted us. Medical professionals and patients alike gave us looks of shock. We must have looked like a horror show.

“What is it? Oh, dear Chaos.” One of the nurses, a blue wolf, stumbled up on us, “I’ll get Dr. Prower.” She pulled a walky-talky from her scrub top pocket and spoke into it, “We need medical attention now. Sonic and Shadow are in the lobby. It appears they both have third degree burns and Sonic has trauma to the back of the head.”

Shadow bristled and fought against my grasp as soon as he realized where we were. His attempts to move his body still yielded little result. I let go of him as my body begged me to rest. My heart longed to help him in his desperation, but it was like I was turning into cement.  

My vision began to fade as my adrenaline did. How much blood had I lost? I tend to be tough, not easy to injure. Heck, Shadow usually was difficult to injure. He used to be anyway. I took the majority of the hit against the earth. And from the aftermath, it’s lucky that I didn’t die. I was able to slow our descent but it wasn’t enough.

I allowed myself to trust that we would be cared for. The last thing I heard was Shadow fighting with the medical staff.

            …

When I regained consciousness, I was in a hospital bed, surrounded by the familiar robin’s egg walls. My head pounded and seared but I cared more about finding him. I tried to turn my head but was stopped by a brace wedged around my neck. A yellow ferret caught my eye, another nurse I assumed, “Where is Shadow?”

“We have him next door.” She answered, looking up from a clipboard, “I need to let Dr. Prower know that you are conscious, and we can…”

“I need to get to Shadow.” I demanded, feeling the veins in my throat throb behind the brace.

“We need to properly evaluate your injuries, sir. It’s not safe to let you get out of bed just yet.”

I pushed against the bed, my body protesting as I moved. The only thought on my mind was Shadow. The fear screamed in my mind, what if I am too late? What if he’s dead?

“Sir, Dr. Prower said that any movement could further your injuries.” She scrambled forward to try and stop me.

“Tell Tails that he can’t keep me from Shadow. Not now. I get that he wants to protect me but…” I hissed as I slung my legs over the bed, “I have far more important things to worry about right now.” As I stood, I felt a tug on my arm. I looked over to see that I had an IV in the crook of my elbow.

She sighed, “If you’re going across the hall, at least let me walk with you.”  

The ferret set her clipboard down on the counter and grabbed the IV stand.

“Really, you don’t have to wheel that for me.” I grumbled.

She gave me the most earnest eyes, “It’s not a problem. I just want to ensure your safety.”

I let loose a moan of both frustration and pain. I would have to put up with her doting at my side. I had to get to Shadow.

Walking wasn’t difficult but keeping focus was. Every movement felt jarring, and it left me woozy. By the time we made it across the sterile hallway over to the next hospital room, I feared I would pass out.  It was seeing my love still alive and conscious that gave me just enough energy to stay aware.The head of the bed had him sitting up and he gave me a weak smile as I stumbled over to him. The nurse brought me one of those hospital reclining chairs to sit in. As soon as I was settled she left us alone.

“What happened to you?” Shadow smirked at me as I sat down beside him. His memory wasn’t back but from the glaze in his eyes, they had to have put him on a shit ton of sedatives. He wouldn’t be that calm otherwise.

“Well, you and I got a bit competitive, and things went overboard.” I lied.  

“I shouldn’t be in a hospital. Whhy am I in a hospital? I don’t like it hhere.” His face soured and he reached over for his own IV. It had several bands in place around it to prevent him tugging at it.

“No, honey. Please don’t take it out. You need the medicine.” I held a hand over the insertion point.

“I don’t need medicine. I hheal, I always do.” He pouted.

I felt the sting of tears, “Not this time.”

He slunk back, the unmistakable look of despair on his face, “Am I dying?”

I guessed lying wasn’t an option, “Yes.”

His face melted into a peaceful state and he laid back into the bed, “‘Bout time.”

“Have you always hated life this much?” The words burned as they came out, exacerbating my physical pain.

“Suckss that I barely remember anythhing,” He murmured with his eyes closed, “I suppose I have allways hated being alive. I sshould never have been made. I don’t belong.” His head rolled back to me and his eyes met mine, “I don’t remember a lot, but whhen I look at you. Maybe I have somthhing to love liffe for. You remind me of hher.”

“Damn they have you on some good drugs. Is this the stuff you kept from me before we started dating?” I snorted, easing back into the nylon seat.

“We are dating?” He raised a brow.

“Shadow, sweety, we are married. Almost ten years now.” My heart ached. I hated how often I needed to remind him.

“I sure know hhow to pick ‘em huh? You’re an idiot.”

“That makes two of us, asshole.” It always came back to the idiot insults didn’t it? Maybe that was just a strange way of showing each other affection. Even before we were together.

As I held his hand, I ran my fingers along his inhibitor rings and felt along the clasp where it could be taken off. I have seen him remove one or two, but never all of them. I don’t think either one of us knew what would happen if they did come off.

I remembered when we were still just rivals. The memory of those childish boy impulses to push away any romantic feelings because, ‘romance is yucky’ is something that I could look back on fondly. So foolish the two of us were. Every battle, every race, those side eyes that would soften if we looked too long. Shadow always had that tsundere attitude. I went out of my way to push his buttons. Every adventure brought us closer together. Every time we got the chance to catch the other when they fell. All of those little pieces added up. The walls crumbled.

“You smile like hher.” Shadow mumbled as he drifted in and out of consciousness, “You laugh like her. You love the earthllike her… I miss her.”

“I know you do Shadow.” I’m going to miss you too…

“Are you ssad?” He asked.

“I’ve been sad. I’ve been angry. I’ve been desperate…”

“I’m ssorry I hhurt you.”

“Don’t be.” I smiled, but it was a sad expression.

The door opened, “Sonic, you were supposed to be in your room till I cleared you.”

“Tails, I don’t have the energy for this.” I groaned and let go of Shadow to lay back in the chair.

“You don’t have the energy because you are still in recovery.” The fox swished his two tails as he looked the two of us over, “I put you in separate rooms because you two always get into trouble when you’re together. Exhibit A.” He waved a hand at my injuries.

“You worry too much.” I fussed.

Shadow gave Tails a lazy middle finger.

“Shadow could literally drop dead at any minute and I…” I folded my ears down, “I can’t be away from him, you understand that?”

Tails crossed his arms as if it would protect him, “I’m already losing one friend. Just please, take care of yourself.”

“Did you jusst call me a friend?” Shadow tilted his head at Tails to the point he looked like he’d fall asleep in that position.

“Yes, Shadow, you are my friend.” The fox’s face was calm and endearing but the longer he looked at Shadow the more it contorted into pain. He forced himself to take a calming breath and returned back to me, “I still need to assess your injuries. We need to do a CT scan, possibly an MRI. I know that you are concussed, but you’ve recovered well from those well before.” Tails then grimaced, “Are you aware that you are severely malnourished?”

Now that he mentioned it, eating wasn’t something that I thought about much. Even when I did eat, it wouldn’t take long for the stress to overwhelm me and leave me nauseated. Was it really that bad?

I recalled how much I had been sleeping. How often I just spent the day next to Shadow when he was feeling particularly unwell. Shadow barely had the mental whereabouts to scold me into caring for myself and when Tails scolded me, I would ignore him. Heck, I have even ignored Amy’s scoldings a time or two.

 What’s the point?

“I really don’t care about that right now. I’ll do the scans. If you want me to take supplements, whatever. I just don’t want to be away from Shadow.” I moaned.

“The scans are going to take a few hours, and I still want to do an MRI on Shadow. Do you think you can handle that?” Tails rubbed the back of his neck.

“That’s a long time to be separated,” I grumbled.

Shadow growled, “I am not doing an MRI.”

“We need to know how far the disease has progressed. And after you two’s antics,” Tails pinched the bridge of his nose, “Who knows what kind of shape your brain is in.”

“It feells like scrambled eggs.” Shadow slid down in the bed.

“Rouge told me the two of you went gallivanting off with the Emeralds.” Tails looked to me, “What even happened?”

I felt my face flush, “I don’t think you want the details on that, bud.”

Tails pulled his lips tight in discomfort, “No, what I mean is that if you had the Emeralds, you shouldn’t have gotten injured like that.” He went over to the monitors to assess Shadow’s vitals. “And Shadow isn’t showing any change in his vital status. The only time his vitals have been elevated was when he was hospitalized initially. I would think that He would have shown some other signs of deterioration.”

I tried to piece together what Tails was asking, “If you’re wondering how we got here without the Emeralds, I used Shadow.”

Tails’ expression twisted in confusion, “Used Shadow? Did he use Chaos Control?”

“No, I literally used him. I think he’s a living Chaos Emerald. Or at least a portion of one.”

Tails’ eyes wandered as he thought and then they lit up, “I have been so focused on the disease’s biological aspects, I didn’t think about how it was directly affecting his Chaos Energy. You say that he is a Chaos Emerald?”

“Yeah, while we were flying around with the Emerald’s they said something about how they want him to return. Shadow said that his soul was made from a Chaos Emerald.” Saying that filled me with dread. What if this meant I was losing him forever, even in the next life?

Tails furrowed his brow up at the ceiling for a moment and then began to pace looking at the floor with his arms behind his back, “The soul isn’t something that’s quantifiable. There is no way to measure it or prove that it exists but if Shadow’s soul is artificially made…”

“I know hhow to find it.” Shadow smirked.

The both of us looked over at Shadow. His expression went from goofy and smug to cold and distant.

“Honey?” I reached back for his hand.

“What are they going to do to me?” The way he said those words chilled me. It was like he wasn’t in the present anymore.

“We are just trying to help you. It’s only going to get worse if we don’t figure out what’s happening to you.” I squeezed his hand.

The distant cold look never left his eyes as he turned to look at me, “Do you know whhat they put me thhrough? The wworst part was not knowwing. The isolation. I don’t like hosspitals, Sonic. They look like laboratoriess. They treatyou like a rat… Is that alll I am? A lab rat?”

It was so weird hearing him divulge so much. This was stuff that he talked to me about in his most raw vulnerable moments. But I would never hear him say this in public, let alone in front of Tails.

“You’re not a lab rat. We are just trying to help you. Do you trust me?” I exchanged hands so that I could still hold his hand and run my other up his arm to comfort him.

His eyes lazily closed and reopened.

“What did you guys give him?” I bewildered slightly

“A combination of eszopiclone, lorazepam and morphine. At one point he bit a nurse.” Tails clenched his jaw, “He’s lucky we didn’t break out the haldol.” 

“I’m sorrry.” Shadow folded his ears back looking up at Tails who was now reaching over me to check to see how the IV drip was running.

“Well, do you trust us enough to tell us how to find your soul?” Tails let go of the IV bag and dropped his hands to his sides, his eyes connecting with Shadow’s.

Shadow blinked and his distant stare deepened. After a long agonizing silence his eyes flickered back to the present.

“Here.” He reached up and pointed at the back of his neck, where his spine connected with his skull. Then he looked back at me, the depth of pain and vulnerability in his expression about broke me, “I’m scared.” His voice cracked.

“It’s going to be okay, honey. I won’t let anyone hurt you. Tails will take good care of you.” I reassured him. 

He nodded, but his eyes threatened to roll up to the whites. Then I recognized the vacant stare of an absence seizure. His body went stiff.

Tails’ expression switched as though he was putting on a mask. He grabbed his walky-talky out of his pocket, “Dalia, I need 50mg lamotrigine IV solution in room 18.”

Within a few minutes, the yellow ferret returned with the medication, and Tails disconnected the old IV bag to put on the new.

I still couldn’t get used to seeing him this grown up. Part of me still looked at him and expected to see that bright eyed eight year old I met. He turned back to me, his eyes were soft with the glimmer of peaceful blue. The kind of confidence and comfort I desperately needed, “Go with Dalia to imaging. I’ll take care of Shadow. He will still be here when you get back, I promise.”

I took a breath to steady myself and got to my feet. Leaving Shadow’s side felt like being torn in half. But I owed it to Tails to at least try to care for myself.

…

Anxiety gripped me the entire time I was going through scans. Every moment was precious, lost time that I could be there, holding Shadow’s hand, reminding him that I would protect him…

As I laid there, deafened by the hum of the MRI, I asked myself what protecting him meant. What defined Shadow? His soul was separate from his flesh, and his mind was something entirely different. All of these months I was driven by a need to protect him. Or was it a need to protect myself?

My Shadow. That’s how I thought of him. And the Emeralds reminded me that was not the case.

I remembered what he said. It was a sentiment that he had brought to me several times throughout our relationship. He doesn’t belong. He shouldn’t have been created. And I often dismissed it as his self-loathing. I thought maybe I could love him out of that mindset.

Who was Shadow?

I couldn’t confine him, stuff him in a bottle and call him mine. Even when he said that he was mine, I knew that there was a caveat he was deliberately leaving out. Before he was told to belong to someone, Something that was denied to him from the moment he was told his purpose. Shadow belongs to Shadow.

I didn’t want to accept. I couldn’t accept that Shadow would want what the Emeralds wanted, reunion.

I had to brace myself to let go. If that’s what he wanted, I had to support him. That’s what I promised. To support his choices.

Not my Shadow. He never was.

No matter how badly I needed him to be.

Afterwards, I was allowed to go back to Shadow’s room, free of the neck brace. Shadow was out like a light, laying flat on his side with a new monitor linked to the back of his neck. Tails sat in a rolling stool and spun to see me when I entered the room. His eyes looked over to me and followed my gaze over to the sedated Shadow, “He agreed to anesthesia.” Tails explained, “Otherwise, he said it would be too distressing to have his soul looked at like this.”

Shadow looked so peaceful. It was a stark contrast to the constant noise in my own head. My swirling and conflicting thoughts found themselves in time with the throbbing pain, “Can I get something for pain?” I sank my fingers into my quills to massage my scalp.

“I can have Dalia bring you some hydrocodone.” He suggested.

“That would be good. So.. uh..” My eyes caught the monitor behind Tails. The screen showed lines, like threads that stretched from the left side to the right side. They were green with bits of yellow and red sprinkled throughout, “What do you got there?” I pointed at the device.

 Tails slid away to give me a better view, “Remember the tech I used to search for Chaos Emeralds? Well, what I did was take the handheld apart and rewired it into this monitor. A few tweaks to get it to parse out the different waves of energy and what I discovered is truly fascinating.”

The waves on the monitor ebbed and flowed as if each band were alive. The yellows and reds within the green would flicker, appearing to change shape and at times disappearing all together. After a while of watching, I felt hypnotized. How deep did those bands go? What secrets lay inside? I was looking at my husband in his rawest form. Stripped away of both flesh and mind.

“That’s Shadow?” My voice trembled.

“Yeah, a true technical marvel. To craft a soul is something unheard of. I knew he had an artificial soul..” Tails crossed his arms in contemplation, “But I suppose knowing and believing are two different things. I have been taking still frame images, timelapses, I can even zero in on certain sections to see the intricacies.” He returned to the monitor and typed into the keyboard below. Two other screens mounted on the wall beside it came to life. One screen showed a close-up image of the green band itself. And another showed the yellow and red pieces.

“The green is his Chaos Energy. From what I can gather, the red parts are his programming.” He pointed out the close up of the red, how it shifted in jagged shapes, “They are inorganic, compared to the yellow, which I’m assuming those are his memories.” He showed me the close up of the yellow, how it rippled and ebbed like ocean waves.   

I sighed, looking at the moving image of Shadow’s memories. The mystery drew me in. How I wanted to reach into the screen and pull it apart. See every facet. Was that a memory of me? Of our kids? Was it a traumatic experience? Was it of Maria?

I loved it. Loved what was only images of his inner self, the one I saw behind those eyes. And as I imagined what those memories must look like to him, I recalled them. Every laugh, every shared smile and tear. Why can’t he stay?

Tails spun back around to look at me and the sleeping Shadow, “This is a lot of new information to take in. And being as I haven’t recorded his soul before, I have no idea how this disease could be affecting it. I can’t keep Shadow out for much longer, but I can gather as much information as I can now and hopefully have some answers for the both of you by the time you recover.”

“I don’t want to wait.” What was I waiting for?

Tails closed his eyes and I saw a wave of buried agony under his features, “Are you still hoping that I can save him?”

“I don’t know. He doesn’t want to be saved.”

“No, he doesn’t.” Tails’ voice was almost a whisper.

I filed through thoughts, none of which felt right. Nothing I could say. Not to comfort him or myself.

“Sonic?” Shadow shifted in the bed. I went to his side, still stiff and pained from the injuries, but they didn’t hurt nearly as bad as I did inside.

Tails got up and removed the monitor from the back of his neck. Shadow rolled over to look up at me, “Hey babe.”

“Hey, are your memories back?” I asked.

“For the most part.” He smirked past exhausted eyes, “You look like shit.”

“I could say the same thing for you.”

….

Tails let me bunk with Shadow. I slept in the hospital bed beside Shadow while the both of us recovered. I was given the stipulation that I could stay in his room, but I had to eat. And If I wanted something for pain, I had to eat then too.

Amy and the kids brought us treats, lemon bars for Shadow and chocolate chip cookies for me. It was biting into that cookie that made me realize how deprived I was. My body, mind and soul were angry that I had given them nothing.

Did I seek comfort from friends? Not nearly enough.

Did I find activities that made me feel better to distract me from the situation? No, I deliberately self-sabotaged so that I could suffer alongside Shadow.

Did I take care of my body?Not at all, I shook from how weak I allowed myself to get.

The tears became overwhelming. I devoured and savored every bite to the point I was desperate for more. It felt so weird having Amy stand idly by while I cried into her plate of cookies.

“I can’t do this,” I said between bites.

She smiled. Her face was as soft as petals and as warm as spring. The sadness that she wore in her gaze as a reflection of my own, pierced right through me. And to think I told myself that I was alone.

“You’ll get through this. I know you will. I will always be by your side.”

When I looked over, Shadow was caught up in sharing the affection of our children. Maria bounced on her toes and kissed his cheek. Zeph wedged in on the bed and played with the heart monitor beside Shadow. Shadow held Jade in his arms as she squirmed and clawed her way through his chest fur.

Shadow looked so happy. It still didn’t make any sense to me.

…

That morning, I woke up groggy from a long night of barely sleeping. Every time I drifted off, I would wake back up to check on Shadow.

Any moment.

Any wrong moment…

I expected to see him gone, lifeless and strangely peaceful like he had looked on our fall to earth, like he did under anesthesia.

As I had done many times before in the past months, I watched his chest.

Count the seconds.

When Shadow was still immortal, he would at times sleep without breathing. It was strange, but breathing wasn’t something he had to do. Now that his life was on the edge of the precipice, I ached for each rise and fall.

Inhale 1 2 3 4

Exhale 1 2 3 4

How much longer?

The door clicked open. Yellow-orange fur slinked in. Rings sat under Tails’ eyes, evidence of the late nights he spent absorbing what he studied from Shadow’s being, “Guys?”

Shadow shifted and grunted.

“Honey, wake up.” I beckoned, sitting up in bed.

Shadow opened his eyes. Rubies scanned the ceiling with a distance, not one of remembering the past, but as if he was looking towards the future. Something in the energy laced in the air made me feel that I could step into his mind. Feel the spaces between his thoughts.

He was watching the sun set. But I wasn’t beside him to watch along with.

Something between a smile and a grimace crossed his face and he sat up too, slinging his legs over the edge of the bed, “I have my mind intact. That’s the important thing.” He said as if to remind himself.

“Dalia sent me your discharge paperwork. I have everything cleared and signed. All that’s left to do is talk over the results.” Tails held one arm, crinkling his doctor's coat as he did, “I think we should have this talk in my office.”

“Sounds good to me.” Shadow seemed so calm. So warm. My stomach twisted.

We held hands as we went down the hallway to his office. The room was warm in its colors but the air was bitter ice. Those seats were dull, brown, and polyester. The distance that it created between us only added to the pain. We slid them together as best we could. And I held onto his hand like if I let go, he would phase out of existence. Tails stood in front of us, picked a clipboard up, leaning against the messy desk behind him. His eyes drifted between the clipboard and each of us. The silence could have choked each of us out.

I pushed myself past the hurdle, “Just get it over with.”

“The strands of Shadow’s soul are thinning, taking bits of his consciousness with it. I’ll put it plainly. The disease is doing more than destroying his brain. It’s destroying his soul.” Tails squeezed his eyes tight, and palmed his brow, “I really wanted to give you guys more time. But at this rate of deterioration, there will be nothing left of Shadow’s soul.”

Shadow’s calm disappeared, “But I promised Sonic that I would be there for him in the afterlife. Even if my soul goes back to the Emeralds I hoped we could reconnect somehow.”

“If we don’t intervene, your soul won’t go back to the Emeralds. It’ll be gone. Nothing.” Tails’ eyes set into a darkness I had never seen before.“

The words hit, the explosion of a mortar shell. It grew into a hot hum in my ears. My vision fuzzed at the edges giving way to white haze. My muscles pulled so tight I could feel them petrifying from the inside out.

“What are you suggesting?” I forced the words out past the growing buzz.

“I am not an expert on the Emeralds, but if what you two are saying is correct, we can’t deny what they are asking. The Emeralds are extensions of Chaos itself. If they want Shadow’s soul back, we have to make sure they get it. Who knows what kind of hell Chaos would bring if denied.” The fox’s words came out just a bit too fast, “We’ve seen before what happens when Chaos is angered.”

“I don’t think Chaos was too happy about me being created in the first place. The Emeralds aren’t supposed to be used that way.” Shadow’s voice was both weighty and flat.

“What are you suggesting?!” I clenched my teeth hard enough to cause pain.

“Shadow needs to die before the disease takes everything.” Tails dropped the arm that held the clipboard to give us a grave stare.

I looked over to Shadow. It was like I saw something snap, “I wanted to die, but now I need to die.” His eyes glazed the way they do when he recalls his traumas, “Anthony wanted to save the world, but he turned me into a ticking time bomb.”

Their voices faded into the background.

            “How many days?”

                                                                             “Two tops. I wouldn’t put it off any longer.”

                 “That’s long enough to say my goodbyes.”

                                                                             “Did you tell Sonic?”

                 “Not yet... Let me have that conversation with him.

The fuzz grew till it burned. Everything searing in my mind as I struggled to make sense of it, “You.. you said you wanted to kill yourself.”

His voice sounded like cotton in my ears.

            “Is that what's happening? Are… are you going to kill yourself?” I stammered.

            The air was poisonous fog, suffocating me. I could barely pull it into my lungs as I stared into the maroon carpet, my vision blurring it into odd shapes.

            “Babe.” His voice cut through my toxic clouds.

            I looked up at him. The black of his fur stuck stark against the blur of white in my eyes. “I… I can’t lose you.”

His eyes glistened but his aura was so calm and still. I was sinking into the waves while he floated on top. He reached out for me, and I felt myself shrinking. All that remained was infantile desire. I could barely form thoughts. Just images and tactile sensations, the subtlest of sound beyond the ever-growing hum.

I crawled over the armrests over to him, allowing myself to shrink more as I slipped into the warmth of his fur. The squeeze of those arms that I wanted nothing more than for them to crush me. “I can’t… I can’t lose you.” I repeated those words, a rhythm that rocked me and gave just an illusion of comfort.

“If you need time, we can put it off. We can talk about this tomorrow.” He said in my ear, the warmth of his breath reminding me he was still alive. Not. Dead. Yet.

Panic. We couldn’t put it off, I promised I let him go, this wasn’t about what I wanted, this was about him, and to think that now the fate of the world is hanging on this, “No, no, no, I’m good. We can talk…You and Tails can…”  

“Shhhh,” He pulled me in tighter, “It’s okay. You’re going to be okay. I love you so much, babe.”

I was a child. Looking up into his red eyes, like golden harvest moons looking back down from an infinitely black sky.   

I let the tears go. I could lose consciousness under this cover of night.

“I made a promise. If you’re ready to go, I will support you.” I tore out my own heart with those words. “You and Tails can talk about it.. I… just.” I leaned my head into his shoulder, feeling the way our heads fit together like perfect puzzle pieces. I closed my eyes, and my mind drifted back. I was so small, a little hoglet in my mother’s arms. I remembered the lullaby she would sing to me. The sound of her voice in my memory, the warmth of his embrace. I forced a deep breath and vanished into the darkness of sleep.    

 

I drifted in and out of consciousness. The memories still swirled like gnats in my brain.

What were Shadow and Tails talking about?

Shadow said he wanted to kill himself.

It’s the only option we have left.

The Emeralds want him back

Shadow is suffering

I’ll lose him forever

He can’t die.

I can’t lose him.

How much longer?

 

For a moment I was in Tails’ truck, my head pressed to the glass. Shadow sat in the middle seat.

For a moment, I was in Tails’ arms. He carried me to my and Shadow’s room.

“I’m so sorry.”

For a moment, voices clambered outside of our room.  So many voices. The only one I focused on was Shadow.

But the voices were too distant, and I couldn’t make out a word of what was said.

All such a blur, all such a blur, all such a blur

I dreamt of mom. It was the most vivid dream I had of her since she disappeared. I remembered she was the same shade of blue as me, she had a cute curl to her quills, her eyes were an amber gold. She worked two jobs to make up for my father’s absence. And yet, I always came home from school to fresh baked cookies.

That little cottage I called home. Her smile. The way she got excited for me discovering my powers. The trouble I gave her for them. The way she always smelled like warm vanilla.

 

Purple.

That was the color of our bed spread, and the color ate up my vision upon waking.

“Hey, shh.” Shadow hushed, “I know it’s hard to understand but this is what I want.” 

A familiar female voice whimpered in response. 

I rolled over to see Rouge sobbing into Shadow’s shoulder. Knuckles stood by the window. The eastern sun shone through shimmering dust motes in the air. The familiar scents of our space asked me to find comfort but I refused.

“We’ve had our differences, but I have to admit. I have always respected you. If you’re going to be reintegrating with the Emerald, I promise you we will be trying to get your attention through the Master Emerald.” Knuckles smirked.

“Just let me rest in peace for a while. I don’t want the first voice I hear in the ethereal realm to be yours.” Shadow scoffed.

“You are going to hear about how much I hate you.” Rouge squeezed him tighter, “I swear I am going to turn that monster who did this to you inside out.”

“Please don’t.” He scratched the back of her head.

“Let me stay with you” she said into his shoulder.

“I really don’t want this to be a spectacle. It would just be more comfortable for me if it was only Sonic.”

“I understand.” She whispered.

Eventually she found it in her to pull away and look him in the eyes. Those teal blues seemed to run out like waterpaint into her tears. She held him by his shoulders as she memorized how he looked, “I have so many regrets I will never be able to make up for.”

“And you don’t think I feel the same? Let’s just look at it like sibling rivalry.” He said, “Don’t blame yourself for anything. If it makes it easier, feel free to hate me. I don’t mind it.”

The more I came to the present the more I stirred.

“Oh, Sonic is awake.” He said low and heavy, “Take the kids wherever you want to. Dr. Prower will let you know when it’s over. I just need some more time with Sonic.”

Rouge closed her eyes and nodded, a faint desperation in her gesture that let me know she was holding back.

“Let’s go, love. I’ll let you pick what we do. Anything to take your mind off of it.” Knuckles walked up beside her and grabbed her hand. The red echidna never looked so soft. Rouge got up with Knuckles and clung to him and before they walked out the door, he looked back at Shadow, “Thanks for everything. You’ve been a good friend, especially to her.”

I shot up into a sitting position, eyes wild, head screaming. Then I sank back into the comfort of the fuzz. Knuckles and Rouge were out the door and it clicked behind them.

Bright orange caught the corner of my vision, breaking through the white that blurred around the edges of my sight. I looked to see what it was.

No thought, only desperation.

Shadow was holding a pill bottle in his hand.

No.

“Hey babe?” He turned his head towards me.

No thought, no thought.

I reached for the bottle. He yanked it away from me.

Desperation.

I crawled over and clawed over his lap.

Get it. Grab it. Stop him.

He continued to pull the bottle away from me as I fell into his folded legs. He had such a detached expression. I took a few more failed swipes before I gave up and curled into his lap.

“No babe, it has to happen. I know it’s hard.” He said.

Then the writing on the bottle caught my attention, scrawl along the plain white label “I.. Is that… is that Tails’ handwriting?”

“Yes.” He sighed and clenched his fingers tighter around the bottle.

“Is that how it’s going to end?” I sank deeper into the fuzz, “Tails just…” I shook my head, my eyes searing onto the bottle,“No. He couldn’t have come up with a solution that quick, he..”

“We.” Shadow took a deep breath bringing the bottle back down, “We’ve been planning this for a while now.”

A sick laughter slipped through my lips, “First you were planning your funeral with Amy and now… Tails.” I wanted to suffocate. I made another lunge to rip the bottle from his hands.

Stop him… Don’t… It has to happen… I can’t let it… No.

He tossed me off and rolled over on the bed to get away from me, “Sonic please, let me explain.” He muffled into the bed.

“NO!” I shouted.

He turned his head back, the bottle now buried under his chest as he laid belly down.  He looked like I caught him committing a sin.

“HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN PLANNING THIS!” I clawed at the comforter.

His eyes sank into pain, “Over a month now.”

“AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU… you and Amy were planning the funeral.” My mind broke further, “That’s.. that’s all our relationship has been huh, you treat me like I am a child.”

“I don’t treat you like a child.” He defended.

“You do, asshole. I haven’t gotten a decision in this whole fucked up game. That’s all this has been. You, fucking with my head like the sadistic prick you are. I can’t be trusted with anything can I?” I was feeling consumed by the static. A child, he treats me like a child.

 Mom. Where is mom?

“I trust you. I just..” Shadow sat himself up but turned his back to me, huddling over the pill bottle.

“Secrets. It’s always secrets with you.” I murmured.

“I do it for your own good.”

“That doesn’t help me..” Where is mom? “You. You’re leaving me. You’ve been planning this.”

Tears burst out and I began to sob. I felt myself fall back into my mind, a new being emerging and taking the wheel, “Where’s mommy?”

“What?”

“Where’s my mom?” I shrunk within myself further.

“Babe, you know this already. She’s gone.” He turned his head back to look at me.

“She left me. You’re leaving me. Please don’t leave me!”

“Hey, hey, babe, it’s okay.” He turned back to me.

“It’s not okay!” I scrambled up to him, my body moving outside of my directive, “Don’t leave me!” I curled into his lap again and yanked on his chest fur, “Don’t leave me, don’t leave me!” I pounded a fist into his chest and heard him gasp as I did, “I want my mommy.”

“Mom’s gone, babe.” He sat in silence watching me curled. I felt so tiny. So itty bitty in his grasp, one arm braced around me to cradle, “Oh yeah, secrets.” He huffed. Pain washed his eyes and tears filled them, “You’re right, I do treat you like a child. I kept that secret from you. I should have just told you right away when I found out.”

I continued to pull at his chest fur, ripping bits out as I sank into my distress. He seemed to embrace the pain, “I want mommy.” I pouted. The other voice was so needy, and I didn’t care. It felt nice to let go.  

“Sonic? How old are you?” He asked.

“Five.” I fell deeper into my pout. Five? I’m not five. For a moment it felt like I was looking over at a picture of my past self.

“Holy fuck, I fucked up. Did I really just push you into this state?” The guilt carved into his face.

I continued to sob and beg for my mother, a need that I ignored for far too long and now Shadow looked like my only source of that unmet need.

“Hey, hey, can I talk to adult Sonic?” He tried to calm me.

“NO!” I shouted, my face burning. I wanted to roll into a ball till I disappeared.

“You always had a tendency to disassociate when things got hard. That didn’t ever give me a right to keep secrets from you. Little you mustn’t have processed what happened.”

“Mommy.” I stuck my lower lip out.

“How about I tell you a story?”

I nodded.

“Once upon a time, there was a mother and her son. They loved each other very much. The little boy was very fast and everyone in the village loved him, but an evil doctor came to the land and saw this little boy as something that stood in his way. The doctor wanted to rule the world and to keep the boy from stopping his plans, he busted out the dams of every water source in the land.” I always loved the way Shadow told stories. The way he read to the kids, he had such a calming tone and cadence that left even myself soothed. 

He continued as he watched me relax, “Soon the village and the surrounding towns were devastated by floods. But that little boy didn’t let that stop him. Though he was separated from his mother, he survived and swore that he would stop at nothing to find her and stop the doctor’s evil plans.”

Shadow smiled as he recalled his own memories, “Then, in a different land, that boy met a new friend, one who was troubled and different. And when the two became friends, they returned to the land to rebuild it from the destruction.”

Then Shadow’s eyes filled with regret and sorrow, “I found her first. They had retrieved her body while you were fighting the Doctor on earth, and she was already buried. All that was left was the headstone and the sunflower pendant you gave her for her birthday.”

“It was a necklace.” I buried my head in his chest.

“I didn’t want to tell you. You were so hopeful and optimistic, I didn't want to ruin it for you. I always envied that about you.” With the hand that held the pill bottle he reached over and threaded a finger through the drawer handle of the nightstand. Several items shifted around, clattering and scuffing. Then he exchanged the bottle for something gleaming and gold. The same necklace I gave her.

He brought the necklace over to me and I grabbed onto it with both hands, letting the colorful sunflower charm fit in my palm, “I saved my allowance for it. Mommy likes… Liked sunflowers.”

“She was your world.” He smiled at me behind sad eyes, “Tails convinced me to tell you. You were so devastated that when I got uncomfortable and tried to leave, you begged me to stay. Seeing you like that just reminded me too much of how I felt when I lost Maria.”

“Don’t leave me.” I whimpered.

“I have to.” He pulled me in closer.

“You don’t love me.”

“Yes, I do. Just because I am dying, doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”

“You won’t love me.”

“Even when I am gone, I will love you. Your mom still loves you. Just because someone is gone, doesn’t mean their love goes away. I look at the stars every night and know that Maria still loves me.”

Those words sent me back into sobs and I pulled the charm to my chest.

“Shhhhhh, “He hushed me, “I know it’s hard, but it will get easier. One day at a time, okay?”

He pulled me closer so that we were forehead to forehead, “Besides, you’ll know where to find me. I don’t know if I’ll be able to communicate with you, but you’ll still know it’s me.” He nuzzled along my face, “You know what Emerald I came from? It was the green one.” His lips pressed against my cheek. The kiss felt different this time. It wasn’t a kiss for me as his romantic partner, but a kiss for the desperate inner child that yearned for reassurance. 

I threw myself into my sorrow, the need for maternal comfort was all that drove me. Shadow continued to hush me as I sobbed in the cradle he held me. Then I felt the gentle sway of him rocking me, “I keep a service bell by my bed for you.” He sang. His expression was so melancholic, so tender, so deep and loving, I became mesmerized.

“Let all the others do what they do.” He continued his song. I began to relax and ease into the rocking motion.

“I’ll hold on for you.” The last line he sang letting the warmth of his deep tenor envelop me. A comforting blanket that swaddled me. I was a newborn babe in his embrace. And each time he sang the words of that last line, I sank deeper into sleep. The darkness took, and I stuttered as I breathed in and caved into slumber.

…

The thick muggy feeling of late August air clung to my fur with a cloying feeling. The kind that made you aware of the potential for storms. I could feel the weight of the atmosphere. The sound of the whirring air-conditioning as it struggled to keep up with the roiling inferno buzzed in my ears. Every ounce of my body felt sick.

I tossed over and flickered my eyes open. How long had I been asleep? The sun no longer shown through our window but now reflected off the foliage outside. Leaves bounced in the wind, branches bent and swayed.

So thick, so hot, so miserable.

For a moment I daydreamed about the kids playing out in the water somewhere. The splash pads were always a fun place to take them. Zephyr would run circles, and Maria would put her face into the fountains. Arrow would grab a bucket and fill it with water to dump on someone’s head. If he chose Zeph, it would become a game, if he chose Ruby he would face her wrath. Ruby would want to emulate her mom, basking in the sun and pretending to be better than everyone else. They always got matching sunglasses.

They better be safe, I think it’s going to storm tonight.

The image of my children felt so distant and fuzzy.

The wind picked up and the branches outside grew violent.  

Shadow sat on the edge of the bed, hunched over, as still as stone. Grey, thin, worn, he looked so exhausted, even seeing him from behind.

“Remember the day that we brought Maria home?” I asked.

“Huh, you’re awake.” The way he acknowledged me was heavy. The way he’d sound after a particularly rough go with Black Doom, “Yeah, I remember, one of the happiest days of my life.”

“She’s more beautiful than I could have ever expected. Shadow, she has your eyes.”

He gave a pained laugh, “After everything I put you through, you still think I am beautiful?”

“The most beautiful hedgehog I have ever laid my eyes on.”

He folded in on himself, putting his head in one hand, “You deserved so much better. I am a horrible husband.”

“Don’t say that.” I pushed myself up, feeling my muscles protest.

“Stop lying to me and yourself. All I have done in our whole relationship is cause you pain. All I ever do is hurt the people I love, no matter what I do.”

 He’s suffering. It’s time to let him go. That directive in my mind held a soothing sound.

I sat up and contemplated my next words, “You want me to hate you.”

“I want everyone to hate me, as much as I hate myself.” He confessed. There was a hiccup as he fought to hide his sobs.

“I’ll give you one hundred percent of my honesty, but I want you to face me.” I closed my eyes and accepted the thorns, the brambles. Those plants that began to creep in from the start, at one time I fought them, now I made peace with the death they would bring.

“I can do that,” Shadow turned around till we were facing each other in the bed. His eyes were red from crying.

“You have traumatized the hell out of me. Hurt me in ways that I don’t even know how to process. Your self-loathing has been a drag on our relationship.” I allowed my voice to be direct.

His ears bent backwards with each criticism and more tears worked their way out. I noticed he was still holding the pill bottle. He clutched his fingers around it as if to desperately seek comfort.

Then I let loose a sigh, “And I love you all the same. I love the prickly parts of you as much as I love your gentleness and compassion. You might want me to hate you, but if I do, it’s only because it hurts that much to love you.”

He closed his eyes and squeezed the tears out.

“You’re beautiful, Shadow. Inside and out. Like the roses you picked for me. They weren’t perfect. They were prickly and flimsy and at times fell apart easily, but they were beautiful. I loved every single one of them, just like I love you. Even as they wilted and I had to toss them out, I still loved them.” The tears poured out crafting streams down my face.

“All I ever wanted was for you to love yourself. I wanted you to love life, to love me, to love our kids. At times, I thought you could never be happy. There was something strange about this summer, I had never seen you so content.” I continued.

“I was always afraid to enjoy life. It’s the times that make you the happiest that make the pain of loss so much worse. I looked at everyone in my life as future graves.” He used the heel of his hand to wipe tears away, “I was never supposed to exist, and looking back at it, I always felt like a prisoner in my own body.”

He held out the pill bottle, pinching the top and bottom with his thumb and index finger, “This feels like a reasonable conclusion.” With his forearm he wiped away the rest of his tears, “You seem rather calm.”

“It’s hard for me to explain. I guess,” I have a stuttered breath, “This is what acceptance feels like. Doesn’t make it hurt any less.” I wiped my own tears away with the back of my hand, “I imagine you’ve told everyone?”

“Yeah, I even explained it to the kids. They don’t need to know the details. As far as they know, my soul is just moving on. They are grieving too, you need to be there for them.”

“I know, it’s just so hard to get out of my own head. I just feel so sick.” I hugged myself.

“You look awful. I am an abusive piece of shit.” He grimaced.

“Stop self-derogating.” I huffed, “Look at me. You are Shadow the Chaos damn Hedgehog. Do you know why I fell in love with you?” I cupped his face in my hands. He looked at me with doe eyes, a sheepish expression that he had never given me before, “Because you never apologized. You went out of your way to make it known that this was your life. You held your head high and looked down on anyone who dared challenge you.”

More of his tears dripped onto my hand, “I get that you’re in pain. I get that you are tired, and that life has broken you time and time over. You have every right to want to quit. But I am not letting you leave this existence without that pride I adored in you so much.”

“I lost sight of that side of myself so long ago.” He said into my palm, “But that side of myself kept me from making friends, from having a family. I was always this broken, I just didn’t want to show it then.”

I dove in, lips connecting with his. We mingled with each other, bittersweet. I wanted every bit, the taste of his mouth, the feeling of my tongue across his fangs, the heat of his breath as we pulled away. One more kiss, drink him in, taste his soul again. All of its flavors, every part of who he was.

            You have to let him go.

I laced my fingers around the chain, felt my way up to the clasp as I continued to kiss him. His arms around me holding me close, one hand in my quills, the other still wielding his own demise.

I ended the kiss, pressing my forehead against his. My fingers clung to the clasp, ready to push the ball in and unhook it. “This was always an illusion of control.” I whispered, “I appreciate the gesture, but in your quest to have control over this, you took it all away from me.”

My fingers pushed the clasp, and it came undone. As I pulled it away, I let the ring slide out into my hand. Bright ethereal gold, his tie to life, his promise to me.

“Last ring?” I smirked, holding it up for him to see.

He gave me a sad smile.

I tossed the ring and watched it fall to the floor. It chimed before disappearing.

All too eager, he fumbled with the pill bottle, his fingers trembling with his tremors.

“Wait.” I stopped him, “Can we get one last song?”

He relaxed, “I would love one more song. Though you’re going to have to play, the last treatment’s already wearing off. I can’t even open this Chaos damn thing.” He turned and sat it down on the nightstand.

I got up from the bed and found his guitar. He kept it by the dresser. Looking it over I glanced back at the room, all of the pieces of him he would leave behind for me as reminders. His air shoes, his motorcycle jacket, the musky smell of his cologne, even the warmth of his pheromones. I clutched the guitar in my hands. It was at times more of a friend to him than I was. Shadow could pour himself out in his music, every ache that filled his soul had somewhere to go in the notes and melodies. Maybe it could be a friend to me.

I returned to the bed. Shadow sat at the head, I nestled just a foot away from him. The bed allowed us to sink in and embrace some sickening comfort in this.

It was a song that he and I shared a time or two, one that echoed our vows. It started with staccatos and melded into melody, harmony, longing and desperation. The depths of love that we shared from the moment we fell. I sang the male part of the duet; he sang the female.

            “Hold on one more night,

*            Tell me it will be alright,*

*            Wait for me one more day,*

*            Forever my infinity.”*

In my words, I begged him to stay. Begged him to love me for eternity. And in tandem, he shared my sentiment. Our hearts yearning in the words. How death would always tear us apart. That we both hoped that the life hereafter would join us together again.

The last notes of the song broke me into tears. Oh, how I didn’t want it to end.

           I really, really, didn’t want it to end.

           Shadow grimaced and held his head in his hands, “It hurts.”

           “I know it does, honey. I’m sorry.” I looked back at the pill bottle, a glass of water beside it.

           I rested the guitar by the bed, “Just let me do one more thing. I have to know.”

The room grew dark and the sound of the storm picking up whistled through the window. I took Shadow by the hand and clipped the inhibitor ring off. Bear patches ran circles around his wrists from the constant rubbing. He offered the next arm, and I clipped the other ring off.

           “What if I just blow up? Are you really running that risk just to cure your curiosity?” He smirked.

           “Hush, let me do this.” I reached for his ankles. He scrunched his knees up to his chest and let me take them off.

           Once they were all off, Shadow was as bare as a newborn. As naked as I had seen him, this was entirely different. He glowed, a low amber aura radiating off his fur.

           “How does it feel?” I asked.

           “Freeing,” He twisted his wrist to look at its nakedness. Then he ran his finger along his ankles, “Damn it feels good.”

I reached up and kissed him again, and savored what would be our last, “Okay,” I breathed onto his cheek, “I think I’m ready.”

Collecting the pill bottle off the nightstand, I felt my body grow cold. The tree bashed against our window, scraping its leaves along the glass. The wind howled.

“If anything goes wrong, Miles is nearby. But I trust that he’s got the formula down.” Shadow’s voice twinged with something I didn’t recognize.

I twisted the cap off and looked down into it. Several pills of different shapes and sizes all bunched into it. I dumped them out into my palm. Both of us leered at the objects.

“So, what is it? What’s it going to do?” My words caught in my throat.

“Miles said that the large white ones would stop my healing factor. He suspects that’s the only thing keeping the disease from outright killing me. The little yellow one will slow the disease just enough to keep my soul intact.” He pointed a claw at each pill as he described them.

           “That one better fucking work.” A single tear escaped.

           “This blue one is a sedative. Those two are morphine. And,” He pressed his forehead against mine, “This capsule will stop my heart.”

           “He really thought of everything, didn’t he?”

           “He’s a smart fox.”

           I pulled away to meet his gaze, “Do you trust me?”

           “I do.” He nodded.

I bunched the pills into my fingers. The brambles took hold, choking the life out of me and yet I told myself to push through. A few pills at a time, I brought them to his lips, and he took them into his mouth. I took special care as I gave him the one that would take his life. Once he had them all I gave him the glass of water.

A momentary panic. Echoes of desperation pleaded for me to stop this.

But it was done. He finished off the glass of water and his eyes shimmered when he looked back at me, “You said you’d never kill.”

“It’s still a suicide. I’m just taking power over it.” I embraced the pain of the brambles more. Push through. I took the glass from him and returned it to the nightstand.

He scooted down, laying into me. I held his head to my chest. 

Breathe, I reminded myself.  

“I always wanted to know what it would be like to die in the arms of someone who loved me.” He nestled into my embrace,

The storm picked up more, whirling and whipping. The rain beat on our window. The house clattered with the sounds of it battering onto our roof.

            His breath quickened. 

            “Honey?” Adrenalin poured into me, and I held him closer.

            “It’s.. Okay.” He struggled between breaths, “I’m not... in any pain.”

I got the final image of his rubies. Sweet, sweet rubies that only shone for me, in that moment of the purest connection between our souls. He pulled up a subtle smile, “Parting... is such sweet sorrow… I love you… So much.”

He closed those eyes and drifted off. I nuzzled my lips against his throat to feel his pulse, “I love you too.” I whispered.

I counted the beasts.

            ……..On the tenth beat, it stopped.

And my eyes watched as his amber glow dissipated, leaving behind only dark grey and dull.

            I never held him so hard.

            Every fiber of my being succumbed to the agony.

            Over, it’s over, he’s gone.

Lightning struck outside the window and jolted me from my hysteria. Somehow it was enough to make me feel at ease, “I already miss you.” I said to the glass.

It was only a reprieve before I fell back into my sobs. All my memories of the summer flashed through my mind.

The songs we sang together. Listening to him read to the kids. Watching the sunset with him on the beach. Riding his motorcycle. Flying together with the Emeralds.

            I pleaded his name to the corpse.

Bitter. Fucking. Sweet. Something clicked for me. Grief is beautiful. Yes, it hurts like a bitch but because you feel it, it's proof of your love. And damn it, I loved him. Even as his body rested in my arms, I loved him. Even as I was unsure if his soul made safe passage, I loved him.

Like life flashing before my eyes, I saw our life together.

            When we were rivals, fighting and teasing each other.

            When we were friends,  the thrills of our adventures.

            When we were dating, awkward and playful.

            When we were newlyweds, the rush of passion that we chased.

            When we became parents, the joy I saw in Shadow’s eyes the day we brought home Maria.  

No words can describe my love. How I felt for him then and how I still feel for him. When he died, so did my heart. My soul bled out beside his body, and I accepted that fate.

I don’t know how long I was with him before I started to calm. The door clicked and Tails poked his head in. I sniffed and wiped my tears away, “It’s okay, bud. I’ll get it together.”

The poor fox looked so dead inside. I wondered how much of my hysterics he heard, if he couldn’t bring himself to face me.

He stepped inside his head down and shoulders slumped, like he expected me to be angry.

“Don’t blame yourself.” I reassured him, “You did everything you could. Shadow and I dumped way too much on your shoulders.”

He turned his head up to me, a subtle acknowledgement of my attempt to ease his burden. Tails pulled up the stethoscope he held around his neck, setting it into his ears and he made his way over to us. He placed the pad on Shadow’s chest and listened. After a moment he pulled the stethoscope away and set it back around his neck.

“It was quick and painless.” I continued to reassure.

“How can you be so forgiving? After everything?” Pain twisted his expression.

“You and I both know that he didn’t want to be saved. I just had a hard time accepting that. But can you blame me?” It was like my body was a husk, I felt so numb talking to Tails.

 “I just can’t help but think about how this could have gone different.” Tails crossed his arms and folded in.

In the midst of the dark and stormy night. Racked with the pain of loss and the comfort of numb, I returned to one truth.

“All worlds must end. Even ours.”