Funeral

What good is a world that goes on forever?

* *

I sat on the floor with the journal in my hands. The one with the dragon printed onto the cover. My back pressed to the side of the bed. A hint of my reflection in the full-length mirror. All of Shadow’s final wishes were written, spoken back to me from its pages.

            Ironic, isn’t it?

Shadow called me overprotective, maybe it was him that was overprotective.

I understood that life was meant to end and that it was unfair for Shadow to be immortal. Yet when confronted with that loss, I couldn’t hold it together.

I learned something that summer. I learned how to grieve. And I felt every bit of it as I flipped through and encouraged myself to read each page.

This was a closure I never got with my mother. After Shadow took me to her grave, we rarely talked about it. I threw myself into battling Eggman. Looking back at it, that’s how Shadow coped with his traumas. Distracting yourself from it was always easier than allowing yourself to feel the pain to its fullest extent.

Shadow understood grief more than I did. His adventures were a double-edged sword. Whether or not he wanted to, he had to grieve Maria over and over again. Fighting Black Doom provided an outlet for that pain, but those wounds had to be reopened every time. And each time, Shadow came back to me as broken as ever.

            I was always happy to kiss away those tears.

                      A tear fell from my face and smudged the ink on the page.

            I didn’t have anyone to kiss away my tears.

Shadow wanted everything to be as simple as possible. He may not have loved humanity, but he loved the earth, just like me, just like Maria. So why not give his body to the earth? Gaia did not give him life, but he could use his life to give something back.

Amy stood at the open bedroom door and leaned against the frame, “Hey, I thought I would come check on you.” Her presence was a much-needed comfort.

“Thanks.” I returned to looking at the funeral book, “I’m just so frustrated.”

She came in and sat down beside me.

“He included me in none of this. I get that he wanted to protect me but..” I huffed, “This just feels awful. Everyone was going behind my back, making all of these plans and it feels like everyone was conspiring against me.” I had to reflect, maybe it wasn’t them at fault for this outcome. My chest tightened as I considered taking the blame, “Amy, am I difficult to deal with?”

She sighed and pulled her knees up to her chest, “I don’t think it’s because you were difficult. I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that we always saw you as the guiding light. Your optimism and positivity have gotten us through some of the most impossible predicaments. How often was it that we were faced with the world literally ending and you kept us pushing through? I don’t think any of us wanted to be the ones to crush that.”

“I wanted so bad to believe that I could fix this and,” I hissed through my teeth and folded my ears back, “all I have is regrets. I spent so much time hurting, I was useless to everyone. And now I don’t even know how I am supposed to move on from this.” I closed the book and propped my elbow on my knee to hold my head.

Amy watched me, her eyes soft and sorrowful. Her empathy radiated off of her, yet it failed to get through the darkness that surrounded me.

Then she turned her head away, “I don’t know how much comfort it will bring you, but there is something Shadow wanted you to have.”

I looked back at her as she got up off the floor. She went to the closet and pulled a wooden box from the top shelf. Her eyes traced a line between the box and myself before she handed it to me.

          A keepsake box.

Sitting it in my lap I ran my hands over the smooth polished cherry wood. Burned into the lid it read, “Forever and Always.”

I pulled the box to my chest and as if Shadow was right in my ear I heard him whisper, just because I am gone, doesn’t mean I don’t still love you.

My heart hungered for the words I knew would be inside, I lifted the lid and, amongst the notes, I was met by a silver locket. It was oval shaped and windowed. Inside was a lock of Shadow’s chest fur, bunched into the shape of a heart. White fur against a black cloth background. I held it to my chest and sank into my tears. How precious it was. Amy helped me put it on.

Sadness as a Gift, a song that Shadow sang that summer.It stuck with me. Now I understood what the song meant. It hurt, but I wanted more, every reminder of how much he loved me. I still love you.

She rubbed a hand along my back as I took in the treasures inside. When I said I didn’t need the keepsake box, I was hoping that I wouldn’t. I didn’t realize how much comfort having this would be. Each note held something different.

            I love you because it’s cute when your tail wags when you see me, one said.

That one held the memory of greeting him after he came home from a GUN mission.

            I love you because you keep me on my toes.

That one held the memory of our spars. One time I got him so riled up he left a crater in the earth after hurtling towards me. * *

*            I love you because you know how to get me out of my shell.*

This one held the memory of convincing him to go to a winter festival. He hated crowds but being with me, he said it was fun.

*            I love you because you taught me how to have fun again.*

This one held the memory of us staying up late playing video games together. All the stupid competitions we would get into. I treasured that smile.

*            I love you because you are you.*

They were more than just notes, they were pieces of him, pieces of our life together and they couldn’t have been more exquisite. I could have all the money and riches in the world, and it would mean nothing compared to what sat in that very box.

            Then I found one at the bottom of the box, wedged tightly in the slit of where the walls met. It was folded and when I pulled it out, I saw that it was far larger than the other notes.

            To my true love, through and through,

*            Thank you. You truly did make life worth living, I know that this has been hard to understand, and you know me, I am not good with my words. I think I get my point across better when I write.*

*            I loved every minute we were together. Don’t ever question if I was happy with you, I was, I always was. I know there were times when it didn’t seem that way, but that’s only because I was afraid. Afraid to love, afraid to let go, afraid that one day I would have to face eternity on this mortal plane without you. Immortality truly is cruel. This disease was a blessing in disguise.*

*            I’m not going to sugar coat it. Grief isn’t easy and it may never go away. You will find some days when you think that you are better and a moment will send you spiraling back into those dreaded feelings. You will question if it's worth breathing. You will feel like you would rather rip your insides out then keep mourning. The twisted thing about it is the only way out is through. *

But I promise it will get better. You will find ways to comfort yourself with the memories. You will cherish what we had and share that love with our children. You will see me in their smiles, and in their eyes and hear me in their defiant protests or their laughter. And you will love them for it. They will be the most amazing hedgehogs the world has ever seen. You know why? Because we are their dads.

*            As of now that I am writing this, I have already seen how much this is eating at you. And it kills me to think that I am doing this to you. You are in so much pain and it’s all my fault. The only way you are going to heal is in my absence. I know, you will always wish that we had more time together. But no amount of time will ever be enough.*

I do hope that you are right, that there is an afterlife for me. I would want nothing more than to spend all of eternity in your arms. Unfortunately death comes for us all. And if death didn’t take me away from you, it would have taken you away from me. If I had to live forever in this flesh without you, it wouldn’t be a life worth living.

*            I love you because of the brilliant light that you shine for everyone around you. I beg you not to lose it. If not for me, do it for our children. No matter how dark things feel. No matter how much you miss the time we had together, don’t let it break you. Most importantly, don’t sell yourself short. You truly are the strongest and bravest hedgehog I know. You can do this without me.*

*            Till we meet again, love,*

*            Forever and Always, Your Dark Prince,*

*                           Shadow*

How is it that my heart could shatter into a million little blood-soaked pieces and I could smile? Joy and agony coalesced into a chorus of sobs.

Amy wrapped her arms around me, and I melted into her, letting the box slide off my lap onto the floor and put the letter back into it. She hummed a song to me, and I fell deeper into her comfort.

She may not have been the one to kiss away my tears, but she was there to help put me back together. I wasn’t alone, I was never alone.  

 

“I hate to rush everyone, but we have a funeral to get to.” Knuckles said from the hallway. He looked so stiff in a suit.

Maybe Shadow wouldn’t have cared about us following a dress code but it seemed the respectful thing to do.

Amy smiled at me with sad eyes, and I reassured her that I would be fine, “Just give me a bit. I’ll get put together.”

She left to go to the guest bedroom to get dressed. I stood and for the first time since this all started, I looked at myself in the mirror.

Framed in the dark wood was someone who was not me. A scraggly thin hedgehog with deep rings under his eyes. No wonder Shadow felt like I would be better off with him gone. In the three months of watching him suffer and die, I was wilting away myself. My lower ribs showed through, and the glow of my blue had faded till it muted.

When was the last time I brushed my quills?

Clarity hit me as I looked at the zombie I had become. The kids just lost one father, they had to watch him suffer just as much as I did and not only that, but they were also watching me suffer. Maria was scared, Zephyr was lonely and even Jade, as little as she understood in her infancy, hadn’t been able to form the connection with me that she needed.

I really did abandon my kids in this.

What kind of father was I?

            Don’t sell yourself short, you really are the strongest and bravest hedgehog I know. You can do this without me.

The guilt ate at me, but beating myself up about it wasn’t going to solve anything. One day at a time, isn’t that what Shadow said? I closed my eyes and took a calming breath, “I can do this.”

            No, I can’t. The voice of my pain echoed.

            Just push through, I reminded myself.

I sifted through the closet for my suit and happened upon the one that Shadow wore to Fellowship. Every reminder of him was just as painful as it was comforting. At first, I pushed it aside, sneering at it but then I imagined Shadow beside me. You would be so handsome in that.

“Why are you haunting me?” I fussed at the suit, “Is this going to be a thing?”

            I quite like haunting you.

That time, it seemed less like my imagination and more real.

            “Fuck you.”

            The voice in my head disappeared.

I swore to Chaos I was losing my mind. “Fine, I’ll wear the suit. Happy?”

            Nothing.

My ears pulled back as I removed the suit and got dressed. Whether it was his ghost or my imagination, it was right. I did look handsome in the suit. I adjusted the locket, so it sat on top of the white dress shirt. The contrast was a nice touch. I didn’t bother putting on a tie.  When Amy returned, she looked gorgeous in a sleek black floor-length sleeveless dress. Around her neck she wore a pendant, one of the ouroboros.

I looked her over. How much did she sacrifice to help hold our family together? I didn’t deserve her steadfast dedication.

“What?” She blushed, noticing the way I was looking at her.

“Nothing. I was just thinking.” I rubbed the back of my neck.

“About Shadow?” Her eyes searched the floor.

“No, about you.” I struggled to find the words, “Thanks. I… I don’t think I ever said that enough. I don’t think I could. You might not be the kids’ mom, but you have been more of a parent to them than I have been.”

Her face flushed, “Honestly, I’ve loved being there for the kids. And don’t beat yourself up, I can’t imagine how much pain you are in.”

“It hurts, but I’ll find a way through this.” Without being able to come up with anything else I thanked her again.

She was beautiful and I had never allowed myself to see that before. Or at least admit that to myself.

I sighed and brushed my hands down my suit to smooth it out.

“Is that Shadow’s?” Amy asked.

“Yeah. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.”

“I like it.” She smiled.

            …

The memorial garden wasn’t as beautiful this time of year, but it was gorgeous all the same. With most of the flowers having faded, the lush greens overtook everything. It felt so strange. This was always a place of remembrance, one where Shadow expressed his own grief and I shared his burden. Now it would be a place for my grief alone.

Was it just mine? As more guests arrived I was reminded of how many people loved Shadow. Blaze, who traveled cross dimension to be here, sat with and comforted Rouge. Espio rehearsed his awkward poetry for Vector and Charmy. Omega let Arrow and Ruby climb on him and the three surveyed the gathering. Tails sat between Tangle and Whisper while he vented about the traumas of this experience. For someone who preferred to be on his lonesome, he certainly filled his life with connections. And none of that would have happened if it wasn’t for our friendship. If it wasn’t for Amy’s wisdom she shared with him on the ARK. If It wasn’t for Rouge being by his side, even when he was retaliating against the world.

All the love we shared for Shadow was what threaded our hearts together, and now we could celebrate that, honor his sacrifices, the life he lived in spite of a world that constantly beat him down.

I sat with Maria and Zephyr. Both curled into me on the grass behind where everything was arranged for the ceremony. So young, hurting and so confused by what was happening.

“Where’s Daddy Shadow?” Zeph asked.

“He’s gone. Remember what he said about souls?” I asked.

Maria pointed at her chest, her little eyes watering.

“Yeah, souls are who we are on the inside. Daddy Shadow’s soul left his body and now that’s all that’s left. His soul went somewhere else, and now we are goi…” I wanted so bad to be the one to explain this to them but I struggled to get the words out without bursting into tears again. It was too late by then, a few strays slipped down my face.

“Daddy Shadow said you were sad.” Maria laid her head on my shoulder, “I’m sad too.”

Zeph folded his arms and pushed his lower lip out, “I want to go home.”

How do you even explain death to a child? Maria was smart for her age and it did make it easier to talk to her but Zeph on the other hand…Zeph seemed so bitter. The way he threw himself down in the grass to yank the blades out in frustration, reminded me of how Shadow struggled with his anger in those early years, “I want to go home!” He tantrumed.  

Maria burst into sobs crying into my fur, “I want Daddy Shadow.”

“I do too sweety.” More tears trailed down

            They are grieving too. You need to be there for them.

I cursed in my head, wishing Shadow would stop living in there. Who was I kidding? He wouldn’t just live in my head rent free, he owned the house. Hell, if my body was a neighborhood, he owned the whole town and had its residents enslaved.

“Hey, sweetheart.” Amy joined me with the kids, Jade curled in her arms. She sat in the grass and Maria ran over to hug her, Amy returning the hug with her free arm. The tearful hoglet settled into Amy’s lap, and she cradled both girls.

As soon as she did, I buried my face in my hands and sobbed, “How am I supposed to do this? Shadow wanted me to be there for them and…” I’d rather be dead right now.

Those intrusive thoughts weren’t going away any time soon.

Amy hushed Maria and rocked both the littles, and I watched Zeph burn out his anger and make his way over to her. That woman was the picture of serenity, an oasis in this hell.

There was a flash of blue behind Amy and the wily silver hedgehog materialized. He gave off a shimmering green glow and in his hands, he held the green Chaos Emerald. “I found your husband. I think.

“How do you know it’s him?” Amy asked

“That’s the problem, I don’t know.” He tilted his head and made a face at it, “You see, I tricked Sage into downgrading her programming, don’t ask me how, I don’t even know how I did it.” Silver flailed his arms as he told his story, “Something about experiencing what it’s like to be human? Anyway,” He shrugged and ruffled his quills with one hand before refocusing on the gem in his hand, “I caught this thing before it disappeared and noticed it seemed particularly grumpy. But then on my way here, that energy faded. I still feel something off about it, like not normal from what it usually is, but I can’t tell.” He held the Emerald to his ear to listen.

“Shadow, if you can hear me, say something rude.” He ordered the gem.

I jumped to my feet and snatched the Emerald away from him, “Give me that.”

He stumbled back like I had almost knocked him over.

I looked at the green Emerald, the way it shimmered in my hands. It always had a strong energy to it. The kind that was unbreakable, enduring, unchanging. The gem felt weightier.

“Daddy?” Maria ran up to me.

“I want it!” Zeph came from the opposite side.

“Hold on, I don’t even know if…” I wasn’t sure if I should say what I was going to. I didn’t want to get the kids’ hopes up.

I closed my eyes and focused on the gem’s energy. Amongst the power within the crystal, I found it. Faint as it was, I could tell the energy was him. The beauty of the night sky shimmered within those gleaming facets, but something about it was off. Like it was distant, lacking and hollow.

“Honey?” I asked the gem.

No answer.

I sighed, “You can’t talk to me, can you?”

“Is Daddy Shadow a rock?” Zeph asked.

I smiled, “This isn’t a rock.” I knelt down to the kids, “Daddy Shadow and I told you all about the Chaos Emeralds, didn’t we?”

Zeph gasped, “They make you shiny!”

“Yes,” I laughed, “Both I and Daddy Shadow were very shiny, weren’t we?”

“Can I play with it?” Zeph reached for the gem.

“Not yet, you’re not old enough.” I pulled it away.

Maria clung to my arm, “Is that Daddy?”

“I don’t know.” I admitted, “It feels like him, but he can’t talk. I won’t let you two play with it, but you can touch it.”

I held out the gem and the two placed their hands on it. Amy joined us, letting Jade sit on the ground and put her hands on the Emerald as well. Her little hands bapped it a few times and she blew raspberries.

Here we were, a family, all tied together by this one Emerald, a remnant of what we lost. And for the first time since this whole awful experience started, I felt like the adult. Wise and ready to give, to teach, to use this moment to guide them.

“Close your eyes.” I instructed them.

Maria did, Zeph attempted but it ended up being just a blink, Jade blew more razzberries. I decided to continue the exercise.

“I want you to focus on the feeling of the energy flowing into you. Notice how it buzzes and tingles?”

“Yeah!” Maria said.

 “It tickles.” Zeph said.

 “Ba.” Jade said.

I smiled, “In the energy you can feel something special. It feels both dark and light. If you focus it will make a picture in your mind.”

“It’s like my nightlight.” Maria said.

Zeph pulled his hands away and pouted.

“What’s wrong?” I asked him.

“It doesn’t work.” His face contorted, “I want to go home.”

Jade leaned forward, attempted to put her mouth on the gem and Amy stopped her.

I sighed. My moment of feeling like a sage past and the hopelessness returned, “I know it’s hard to understand.” I looked at Zeph who was picking at the grass again.

Amy and I shared a gaze, “Don’t worry too much. He’ll figure it out.” She encouraged me.

“Well,” Silver chimed in from behind me, “I could have been wrong about…”

Amy pulled her lips back and made a throat cutting motion with her hand at him, silencing Silver mid-sentence.

I folded my ears back and groaned, I really didn’t need him ruining this for me.

Maria looked up at me with expectant and curious eyes. It was enough to put me back on track.

“What you are feeling right now is Shadow’s energy. His soul. This is where Shadow came from and he returned to the Emerald.” I told them.

Amy’s eyes lit up as she gazed at the Emerald, “I think that explains a lot.” 

Jade leaned back into Amy and munched on her own hand.

Zeph turned away and pouted.

“Is Daddy in there?” Maria asked.

My response to that question could have been so much more complicated and nuanced but I had to make it simple for her, “Yes.”

“He needs to come out.” Maria frowned at the Emerald.

“He can’t. This is where he belongs.” I told her.

Her face soured at my words.

My heart ached at that truth. She pulled her hands away and I brought the gem to my chest, savoring the sensation of his energy, “Daddy Shadow still loves us very much, even though he can’t be with us anymore. And he knows we love him.”

Shadow was unconscious when I returned his I love you. And I had no way of knowing if he could hear me in his new form. I held the Emerald to my lips, “I love you so much.”

“I love you too Daddy.” Maria stood up and kissed the Emerald.

Zeph just looked on from a distance.

“You can tell him you love him too.” I offered him the Emerald. 

He just sank deeper into his pout.

“Zeph. Shadow can’t stay. Even in this form, we have to let him go.” I fought another wave of tears.

 “I don’t want to.” Zeph began to cry.

 “I don’t want to too.” Maria joined his upset.

 Pulling air into my lungs, I calmed myself.

“I don’t suppose you want to stick around for the funeral, do you?” I asked the gem.

It glowed in response. I took that as evidence he was ready to go.

“How many times do I have to say goodbye to you?” I growled at it.

The gem pulled at my grasp.

I frowned. “Kids. I feel the same. I don’t want to let him go, but Daddy Shadow has to. Just like the Emeralds, we keep them for a time, and when that time is done, they return to the world. The Emeralds don’t belong to us. They belong to Chaos. But we need to trust that we will meet again someday.” Giving the Emerald one last kiss I whispered, “Till we meet again, love.”

Then I let the Emerald go. It drifted into the sky, gleaming and shimmering as it did. And with a flash of light, it disappeared. Both Maria and Zeph clambered to hold on to me to cry in my embrace. Amy held Jade. The baby picked up on the mood of the moment and cried as well.

A family, together, in our grief.

This moment could have been heartwarming. But what little bit of comfort I got out of it left and gravity sank me back down. I just held the two, doing my best to ease their pain. Once the feelings numbed, I gave each of them a kiss on the head.

            “Come on, I know it’s not easy, but we aren’t done saying goodbye yet.” I told them, “You two are so brave.”

            The set up for the ceremony was a gorgeous centerpiece to the garden. In the large clearing rows of wooden folding chairs sat, adorned with white ribbons and flowers, bouquets of lilies and lavenders that Amy, Vanilla, and Cream spent the night putting together.

            Various petals blew in the breeze, showering the seating in a rainbow of plant confetti.  

            In front was Shadow’s bed, constructed of flowers and pillows. Every type of flower that we could find was used to place underneath his body. Blaze and Knuckles put that arrangement together. And what remained of Shadow, was wrapped in a shroud, only showing his face. Cold, stiff and peaceful. Lavenders laid along his chest.

            Just looking at it hurt. I thought about the last time I saw his rubies and more tears trickled. I was supposed to have a eulogy ready, wasn’t I?

No, I could do better. 

I straightened my spine and thought about the guitar left at home. It wouldn’t take long. I ran there in back in a second. With the guitar in hand I had a weapon to ward off the grief. But of all the songs we sang together, what would be the best one to send him off with? 

How many times do I have to say goodbye? 

How many times did Shadow have to say goodbye to Maria?  

Amy and I sat together in the front row. Maria and Zeph didn’t last long with us. The two squirmed in discomfort. At first Maria played with the guitar to distract herself but after Zeph ran off to hang out with Omega she joined him. I looked back at the kids. It was interesting to see how all of them were drawn to the robot. Like how his lack of emotion provided them stability. Though I knew Omega was sad, just in his own unique way. 

I couldn’t refrain from leaning on Amy. She was my rock and comfort. I could eat up the feeling while I timidly allowed myself to look upon what remained of my love. How cruel and unfair this all was. I longed for this to be some sick joke, or nightmare that I could wake up from. 

Once the guests settled, Knuckles took over. Shadow wanted him to lead the spiritual proceedings. His connection to the Master Emerald gave him a window into the world of the divine that no one else had. 

Rouge yanked Knuckles back to pick at his outfit some more before letting him start his speech. He rolled his eyes and kissed her before returning to the front. 

Knuckles, much like Shadow, had a way of carrying a constant stoicism. Once confident, the red echidna locked up seeing the eyes placed on him and the remnant of a friend beside him. He took one last look at his wife and found his footing. 

“Life is a gift. Not one that we were meant to keep, but one that we should be grateful for. Our lives are given to us so that we can explore and experience the world. Through us, the divine can experience life in all of its facets. Like the Emeralds there are many sides to life. The richness of emotions, the pains of trials, the joys of friendship and family, the rush of adventures and victories and even the bitterness of defeat. All experiences are necessary for a full and meaningful life. And for that we express our gratitude to Chaos and Gaia.”

His eyes softened as he looked back at Shadow, “We thank them for the time we had with Shadow. The amazing person he was. And even in the unusual circumstances of his existence we ask that his soul's journey be blessed. Just as our souls must return to Chaos, may his soul find its way back into the Emeralds.”  

A wave of sobs hit me. What if he isn’t in the Emeralds? What if I lied to my kids? What if I am lying to myself? Was what I felt in the Emerald really Shadow? It was so faint it may as well have been traces. 

Then panic. My imagination brought up an awful realization.

Just because the Emerald wanted his soul back, doesn’t mean that it kept his consciousness. The Emerald could have stripped him and now his consciousness is gone forever. 

The more the thought settled the more my chest clenched till I couldn’t breathe. Amy wrapped her arms around me, cradling my head as she encouraged me to calm.

“He’s gone.” I repeated the words, with dry eyes and heaving chest.

“Breathe. Listen to my heartbeat.” Amy soothed me.

“He’s gone, there’s nothing left.” I murmured into her chest. 

She hushed me and ran her fingers through my quills.

Knuckles finished his speech and moved on to the Rights of the Spirit. An ancient echidna ritual that ensured blessings for the soul if it shall ever be reincarnated.

He spoke in a long dead language and translated them out as he spoke them over the corpse. With each statement he made gestures over Shadow’s chest and forehead.

  “Keep true to these rights, for this soul has been kind.

The right to keep true to the self, to remain unchanged.

The right to peace and comfort, allow for rest between lives.

The right to safe passage, from this life to the next.

The right to love, in the present and hereafter.

The right to remain whole, complete in every way.”

What if these rights were meaningless? I lost any comfort that I had, crumpled within myself and once I returned to the numb, I felt hollow.

Hollow, like Shadow’s lifeless corpse

            Hollow, like the Emerald without his consciousness.

            Hollow, like my dead heart, I will never love again, not without him.

            Shadow was never meant to exist. And like that our whole relationship looked like an act of cruelty done unto me.

            If hating me makes it easier…

*           * I pulled away from Amy and growled at the voice in my head.

            “What is it?” She asked.

            “You’re going to think I’m nuts.” Leaned over and held my forehead.

            “I think even if you are, I can understand.”

            I looked back up to her and hesitated. She blinked, her lashes fluttering, patiently waiting.

            “Ever since Shadow died, I have been hearing his voice in my head.” I grumbled, feeling my cheeks burn.

            “It could be just because you two were just that connected with each other. Sometimes the people we love stick with us in strange ways.” She squeezed my shoulder to reassure me.

            “I suppose you’re right. Shadow did talk about how he could hear Maria’s voice.” I gritted my teeth and returned to putting my head in my hands.

            One by one, people went up to say a few words about Shadow. It all turned to blur as I stressed myself out. My head screamed from all directions.

            Angry, sad, desperate, clawing at my insides with every emotion that the monster of grief could throw at me. My eyes landed on the guitar.

            A friend to Shadow. He used it as a medium for his pain. Now it was my turn.

            My hand clenched around the fretboard, like grabbing the hilt of a sword. And the beast of grief recoiled, “I’m not afraid of you.” I whispered to it.

            I stood, an air of determination surrounding me. The only way out is through. That was the advice Shadow left me and I saw my moment to pour every ounce of myself into this expression.  

            All eyes turned to me. I didn’t mind being the center of attention, in fact I quite enjoyed it. But in this context, it felt searing.

            Push through, be raw, vulnerable, and know that they all support me in this.

            They all support me…

            I cupped my mouth, and the next wave of tears broke free. How much time did I spend crying? It exhausted me so much.

            Knuckles, who was still leading the ceremony, acknowledged me and I nodded.

            “Are you sure you’re up for it?” He asked.

            “I am.” I reassured.

            I made my way over and settled down by Shadow. It wasn’t fair that even lifeless, he was beautiful. I wanted so bad to throw insults at the body, tell him how much it hurt, cry and beg for some sign that he was still with me.

            Could you still be okay if I wasn’t?

*           * Fuck, it stung. I coiled up every feeling, set the guitar in my lap and as my fingers found the notes, the song came to me, Summer in December by Esha Tewari. The lyrics could have been more perfect.

            “I used to wrap your words around my pinky finger,

*            Save it for later, call you a faker.”*

            I cried into the words. Every syllable carried a fragment of my emotion. Together the song whipped my emotions into a torrent, but that torrent no longer existed inside me. Instead, it was out in the open, for all to hear.

            In the song, everyone heard how much I loved him. How much our time together meant to me. How much I hated him for the pain he caused me. How I would come back to him every single time, because he was worth it.

            “And I don’t want it back at all,

*            But I miss you babe, oh God.*

*            You kick me and I fall,*

*            But you pick me up and it’s all forgotten.”*

*           * Nothing else existed except for me and the memory of my love. And I lost myself in the vision of us being together again. How I would say all these things to him.

            “It’s my fault,

*            Could’ve said what I meant in the fall.*

*            So, pick me up and it’s all forgotten.*

*            You are not so rotten.”*

*           * The song ended and I was riled with so much untapped emotion.

            I couldn’t hold back the words I had to say to his corpse, “I loved you. We all loved you. How is it that you couldn’t value your life like we did? Why? I know you tried to explain it to me, but I still don’t understand. Why did you think so little of yourself?”

            All my pain, sorrow, anguish poured its way out. Wracking my body, doubling me over and I let it flow out of me. Through, push through it, let it all out.

            Before I could make sense of what was going on, I had Amy and Rouge by my side. Tails joined, and Knuckles came in behind Rouge. I don’t think there was a dry eye. Sorrow filled every single one of us.

            I felt seen, heard, connected.

            It was everything I could have needed at that moment.

            Once I returned to my calm, we looked out to see if anyone else had words to say. Everyone else was content as they could be. We agreed to move on to the burial. 

Silver was ready to be the one to move his body to the grave but I stopped him. 

“I’ll carry him. I’m not done giving him a piece of my mind.”

He nodded in agreement and I went over to collect him. I pushed the lavender bouquet aside. Then I reached under the shroud to find his hand. 

“I suppose you don’t need this anymore.” I twisted his wedding ring between my fingers. The thought perplexed me. A symbol of our love. Was it now meaningless? What do I even do with them? I slid the ring off his finger, “I guess if I am setting you free, I have to do it in every way. You were never my Shadow to begin with.” 

I removed my glove to remove my own ring and placed both rings in my pocket, “I won’t forget a moment of what we had together, love.” 

Putting my glove back on I scooped him up in my arms, “You belong to Gaia now. Gaia and Chaos.” 

I let the procession, all of us moving to the very place Shadow once told me he wanted to rest. With my own pain pushed aside I thought about his. 

He told me about what he went through, the fractured memories, the things that were too difficult to put words to. There was still so much I didn’t know. From the outside looking in it was hard to wrap my head around. How broken he was. 

I really, truly thought that I could love him till he was whole. Love is supposed to heal everything isn’t it? That’s what we are all told. 

The hole in the ground beckoned me to place him in. Intrusive thought got the better of me. I sat on the edge of the grave and went in. I got a myriad of concerned looks as I sat his body down and sat beside him. 

“You are coming back up, aren't you?” Tails’ voice wavered.

Knuckles shrugged, then he took on a scolding tone, “Just so you know we aren't filling it till you get out, if you are trying to pull something.” 

“I’m fine, I’ll be out. Just give me a bit.” Honestly staying in the cold hole and being buried alive sounded satisfying. I could die beside him. But I wasn’t letting the intrusive thoughts carry me that far. 

“You made me a widower.” I growled, “I made me a widower. Damn it, it doesn't make it any less horrible.”

I envied his peaceful, dead state, “I meant it. If Chaos decides to short you on an afterlife I will fight them. I have tousled with that beast once, I can do it again. Take it to the spirit world. Chaos will know the wrath of Sonic the Hedgehog.” My mind bent at the hinges, “Add god killer to my title. I don’t always have to be the hero.” 

I sighed, “Rest easy Shads. I’ll always love you, all of you, mind, body and soul.”

Standing I dusted myself off. Silver and Blaze offered their hands to pull me up. I was greeted by Maria and Zeph once I was out. The three of us sat together. 

Maria looked scared, “Why are they burying Daddy?” 

“It’s not Daddy anymore. That’s just his body.” I held her.

“You were talking to him.” Maria was observant.

“I just had to get my feelings out.” Something important occurred to me. The words that helped me were words that they needed to hear, “Maria, Zeph?” I brought them in front of me so I could look them both in their eyes, “Losing someone makes you feel a lot of big emotions. I’ve felt a lot of big emotions and I know I’m going to be having feelings for a long time. But that’s okay. You can feel angry and sad and you can hurt and be confused, but that’s all normal. You have me, and Miss Amy.” A small smile worked its way at the corner of my mouth, “You have such a big family that loves you very much. We will get through this together, okay?” 

They both went back into tears as they buried their heads into me. Seeing their dad put under the dirt was too difficult for them and I embraced their need to hide. Instead, I watched as Silver used his power to push the dirt over top in one fell swoop. Rouge held the bush that I chose to be the marker. 

Her eyes were rimmed red but she gave me a weak smile, “Just one thing left to do.” 

“Kids?” I beckoned their attention, encouraging them to pull away from me, “This is why we buried his body. What was given to us, has to be returned.” 

I joined Rouge and the two of us dug our hands into the loose dirt making a small hole, then we placed the bush inside. Lavender roses. Purple, the color that you got when you combined mine and Shadow’s colors. But soft and gentle, like the lavender scent that he always loved. Prickly and beautiful just like him. Rouge shed a few tears over the rose bush as we finished planting it. Maria and Zeph caved to their curiosity. 

“His body belongs to Gaia now. And because it does, new life can grow in its place. All things must die, but it’s necessary for the cycle to continue. This rose bush will remind us of him and how much he loves us. And just like love, it will grow.” I patted the ground, “Every year on his birthday, we will come back here and have a picnic.” Fresh tears dripped from my face, “And I will tell you two stories about how amazing he was.” 

I and Rouge hugged the kids. All of us, every single heart that held Shadow’s memory gazed in silence at the marker of where his flesh laid to rest. And one by one the guests dispersed. On the other side of the garden we were holding a potluck picnic, the same place where we celebrated Shadow’s last birthday. I knew that’s where they would be. I waved to each one as they left

“My deepest condolences.”

“I’m sorry, he was an incredible hedgehog.” 

“I can’t imagine how hard this is for you.” 

They all had something to say to me and I took comfort in every word. Amy took the kids over to the picnic. Whisper and Tangle went hand in hand. Knuckles wanted to prove that he could still carry Tails on his shoulders. They looked so awkward trying to keep their balance together. 

Soon it was only Rouge and I. 

“I spent so much time trying to convince him that being immortal could be a blessing.” She wiped away a tear, “I wanted him to be able to live a full life once we were all gone. Fate is a funny thing isn’t it?” 

“Yeah.” I sighed, not having anything much to say. “He was always so negative about everything. I just wanted him to be happy.” 

“He was happy.” I reassured her, “He just didn’t know how to allow himself to be.”      

Rouge and I shared the silence for just a bit longer. Eventually she rose to her feet and dusted herself off, the dirt still showing on her black dress suit. She wasn’t one to dirty up her outfits but the situation was more than worth it. 

“Are you coming?” She offered a hand, “I’m sure everyone is worrying about us.” 

“Go on without me.” I waved her off, “If they got chili dogs, save me a few.” 

She was content with that and left me alone with the bush. 

I reminisced about Lancelot. Shadow and I hadn’t started dating then, but when I met Lancelot it brought up those feelings. I was eighteen at the time. He was such a good fighter, and so charming, it was hard not to feel a bit flustered. I just remember thinking that I wished he was the same Shadow as the one I had back home. That’s what spurred me to realize that it was Shadow that I wanted. 

The feelings I had for Lancelot weren't for Lancelot, they were for Shadow. I think Lancelot felt something for me because of everyone he took it the worst when I told him I had to return. I wondered if he was still there in his world thinking about me, the way I was thinking about Shadow at that moment

Love is supposed to heal everything. Maybe that’s too simple of a way to look at it. Love fucking hurts. Love makes you do stupid shit. Love turns you into something that you are not, makes you into a monster. Love also mends brokenness. Love helps us grow and become better. Love gives us reason and meaning. 

I guess love is just as complicated as Shadow was.