Desperate Measures

Doctors Journal:

            Physician: Dr. Miles Prower

            Patient: Shadow the Hedgehog

            Date: August 4, 20XX

 

On July 7^th, Shadow requested assisted suicide. It’s something I am far from happy about. And the fact that he is insistent to make these decisions without talking to Sonic irks me to no end. I guess I understand why he thinks this is the thing to do but Sonic is going to learn this at some point and be hurt more by the secrets than the actual decision made.

I hate seeing what this has been doing to Sonic. It’s like he is dying too. He was supposed to start bereavement counselling but has already skipped out on his first session. Dr. Estell said that it’s normal for her clients to cancel the first few sessions. I just really hope Sonic follows through on this.

I just worry that I’m going to lose both of them.          

Whether or not I like it, it’s my duty as both a friend and doctor to ensure that Shadow’s wishes are met. I know that if I don’t, he will find some other way to end it. He is so stubborn, it’s disarming. I don’t want to think about what he would decide to do if it came down to it. It would only be worse.

I guess I can take comfort in the fact that Shadow cares about Sonic finding closure in this.

 

SO, before we get into the nitty gritty of it, we need to dissect the disease to understand it better. Here are my findings.

Diseased cells and healthy cells have one thing in common. They both contain Shadow’s rapid healing factor. I have been using treatments that have been in focus of amping up his healing factor but in tandem it has hastened the diseased cells growth. Attempts to separate the effects on the different cell types have been unsuccessful. Gene treatments have been unsuccessful as well. The intention was to create mRNA structures that would target the diseased cells and reconstruct the damaged DNA strands. This has shown no signs of improvement either. The only thing is getting Shadow to come in for more tests so that we can see the full extent of how the disease has progressed. I fear that Shadow is in a precarious state as it is.

Imagine if you will, his neurons are bubbles, and his healing factor is a constant bubble blowing machine. As long as there is material to create the bubbles and the machine is running, his mind will remain. But more and more of those neurons are becoming bubbles, easily popped.

All it would take is to shut the machine down and deprive it of material.

I have mapped his genome. There is a chain that contains his healing factor. All it would take is to create a mRNA sequence to break it. All of the bubbles will pop and he will be brain dead.

But can I accomplish that? I have been working on sequences in an attempt to reconstruct the damaged DNA and I haven’t been successful. I suppose destroying something is easier than building or repairing.

The next step is to stop his heart and ensure that the process is as painless and quick as possible.

I am really counting on Shadow to handle telling Sonic this. If he finds out any other way, he’s going to think I killed his husband.

I guess in a way, I am.

I don’t know how I am going to do this.    

 

Maria’s shrill scream ripped through the hallway shooting me out of bed. I took on glance at Shadow before I left the bedroom to find her. He was so still. My heart sank till he snorted and shifted. The relief didn’t do much for me. In fact, it added to my dread.

The sound of whimpers and tears drew my attention back. I got to her room in just a few bounds.

The little hedgie sat up in her pink princess bed, her face drenched in tears. He pawed at her eyes when she saw me.

“What is it, sweety? Did you have a nightmare?” I knelt down beside her.

“I want mommy.” She continued to cry.

“Mommy? Don’t you mean Miss Amy.” I was taken aback.

“I want mommy.” This time she crossed her arms and pouted at me. Where was this coming from? I started forming connections but wasn’t quite willing to see the whole picture.

“Hey, Sonic.” Amy’s sleepy voice came from behind me.

“I think Maria had a nightmare again.” I said to her.

Amy got down beside me, “She’s been having nightmares. Usually she comes to my room and curls up in bed with me.”

Maria reached over and hugged Amy. Her little blue arms clung on around Amy’s shoulders.

“You have that scary dream again, honey?” She asked the little.

Maria crawled off the bed and got into Amy’s lap. She looked so at home in that embrace, cradled in the fluff of Amy’s white robe.

“Apparently, you are mom now.” My bottom lip pressed upwards.

 “I’m not mom, silly.” She nuzzled Maria’s face.

 The hoglet giggled at the comforting gesture.

 “I knew I wasn’t behaving like much of a dad, but this is a real kick to the face.” I leaned my back against the bed and stretched my legs out.

“Sonic, I have been doing majority of the parenting. I knew that was the intention in asking me to move in, to get some help around here, but I think you need to get a better perspective. Now is not the time to be licking your wounded ego.” Amy looked exhausted. Not just physically but emotionally. It was in the depth of her gaze that I saw the perspective she was guiding me towards.

“I’m sorry. I know I have been really slacking.” I bowed my head in shame.

“Shadow isn’t in good shape. You have every reason to be struggling but the kids still need you.”

Maria got up and went to dig in her toy box. Amy and I both slouched together by the bed.

“Why does it feel like I am the only one suffering?” I grumbled.

“We are all suffering. There it is, you with that ego of yours. It isn’t easy but you have to make the conscious choice to get up and keep going.”

I soured. Better judgment told me that she meant it to be motivating but it only irritated me. How can she act so calm about this? It was like I was the only torrent. Everyone else was light fluffy clouds.

Maria returned to Amy with a few cars from her toy chest, “I don’t want to get sick like Daddy Shadow.” She sat down in Amy's lap again and continued to play with the toys, “I had a nightmare. A doctor was going to give me shots. I don’t want shots. My daddies weren’t there, and I’m scared.”

“You’re not going to get sick like Shadow, sweety.” Amy wrapped her arms around her.

The shame ate me. Has she been having nightmares like this this whole time? Does she really feel like I am abandoning her?

No, if anyone is doing the abandoning it was Shadow. This wouldn’t be happening if he wasn’t so quick to give up on his life. I was so tired of him expecting me to let him go. He was being selfish. These kids needed him as much as I needed him.

I left Amy and Maria together. I couldn’t bring myself to go back to bed. Instead, I crashed on the couch and buried myself as deep as I could in those cushions.

Even then I couldn’t hide myself from it all.

It still smelled of Shadow.

            …

           

If that wasn’t enough the next day was worse. Shadow was difficult to have a conversation with. He would drift off mid-sentence or forget what we were doing all together. At some point the body aches were too much and he sulked off to the garage to smoke. When he returned, he laid on the couch to nap.

Some time ago Tails had gifted Zephyr a toy doctor’s set. The boy had lost it in the mess of his room. Just when I thought we would never see the set again, Zeph showed up with the plastic stethoscope and otoscope.

He prodded Shadow until he turned and looked at Zeph with the same confused expression that he gave Maria a while back. He blinked and scrunched his brow.

“I’m a doctor, and I am going to make you better.” The hoglet puffed up his chest like a little superhero.

“I don’t need a doctor. And you are too young to be a doctor.” He grumbled.

“Daddy, you are sick and need medicine.” Zeph was about to put the stethoscope on his chest when Shadow swatted him away.

“I’m not your dad. I don’t even know who you are.” He squinted his eyes at Zeph.

Zeph just dropped his toys and burst into tears.

“Shads, honey. We have children together, remember?” I attempted to intervene.

“What on Gaia are you talking about, Faker?” He sat up and darted angry eyes at me.

“Faker? You haven’t called me that since…” I pulled my ears back when I realized what was happening.

Shadow bristled as he got up from the couch, “I feel like shit! This is your fault, isn’t it? You did something fucking stupid like you always do and you make it my problem to clean up.” He moved like he wanted to back me into a corner, but his legs refused to cooperate. He clenched his fists and snarled at his locking knees, “Where is the Doctor?! I’m sure that piece of shit is behind this too!”

He stumbled and I ran to catch him. As soon as I was by him he threw a fist at my head. He would have had me if I wasn’t expecting it. His reflexes had slowed considerably anyhow.

He slumped in my embrace after the failed hit, and I guided him back to the couch. When I looked back, Zeph was already gone, likely going to Amy for comfort.

“Shadow, honey. We are married remember?” I tired to find him behind those rubies. It was like they were flat and shallow.

He shook his head, “Why would I marry an idiot like you?”

Shadow may as well have stabbed me repeatedly in the chest. It would have been less painful.

I quivered as I reached for his hand with the wedding ring on it. He didn’t wear gloves anymore because he didn’t want to forget. He forgot anyway.

I shed a few tears as I looked down at that ring on his hand, “Look.”

I lifted his hand up to his face so he could see the ring. Then I stripped my gloves and showed him mine.

He started to connect the dots, “How long have we been married?”

“Almost ten years. We got married on September 22^nd.” I sniffed, trying to keep my nose from dripping.

“The last day of summer…” His voice wandered.

I reached up to his face and he pressed his cheek into my palm.

“Were we happy together?” Tears dripped from his eyes as he turned back to me.

“Best years of my life, Shads. And I would think you would say the same.”

His face twisted in agony, “Who did this to me?”

I pulled him in, letting him rest his head on my chest. It was those words that ignited the flame in me. It was not fair. It was not right. Shadow shouldn’t be dying. Shadow shouldn’t be suffering. We shouldn’t be having to suffer through this.

            Anthony

Whether or not he was still alive to answer for this didn’t matter. I needed to know, and I needed to hold him accountable. What was I going to do? Kill an old man for sabotaging my husband sixty years ago? Did I want revenge? Did I want answers? My heart screamed and tore at the inside of my ribs begging to get out.

No more sitting around and waiting for the end. I couldn’t do it anymore. I needed to do something, anything. And I knew who could help.

…

“You’re about to do something stupid aren’t you?” Amy put a hand on her hip after I told her I was leaving for a while. She had Jade in her other arm. The baby chewed on her dress sleeve. She was getting ready to get her baby fangs and was extra fussy because of it.

“I need to do this. Cherry will be here to care for Shadow and It will only be for a day.” I stuffed my face with granola bars while Amy sat Jade in the highchair for lunch.  

Her brow dropped in annoyance, “I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”

“Maybe Cream or Vanilla can come over and help out with the kids.” I suggested.

Amy folded her hands over her nose and mouth before returning to me, “I guess I can’t stop you. Just please, be back before nightfall. I am not putting the kids to bed by myself again. I will ask Cream if she’s up for offering some babysitting assistance.”

“You do that. I promise, I will be back before it gets dark.

 

…

 

Rouge’s black convertible drove down the back road that led to our house.

Once she stopped, she pulled her sunglasses down to look at me “You summoned me?”  

I took a deep breath and hopped into the car, sinking nervously into the tan pleather seats. The car was just as sleek and modern on the inside as it was on the outside. “You said you know where we can find Anthony?”

“You know I do, hun.” She put her foot down on the gas and sent us rolling down the road, “It’s hard telling what we will find when we get there. The address was for a nursing home.”

“A nursing home?” I lost myself in watching the house and soon the tiny town fade into the distance in the sideview mirror.

“Shady Groves. Fortunately it’s not too far of a drive to get there.” Even behind her oversized sunglasses I could see her frustration at the circumstances, “How is Shadow doing? He doesn’t like to tell me anything.”

“Not good, that’s why I called you. He regressed back to when I was a teenager, he even tried to hit me. Not in the competitive way that we usually go at it.”

She shifted uncomfortably. Rouge was always the laid-back type, even through this situation she seemed to keep a good head on her shoulders, but I wondered how much of it she had been bottling or hiding from me, from Shadow. This trip was uncertain in everyway and it left the both of us on edge.

Several towns later of tense silence later we pulled up on just that, a tan bricked nursing facility, lined with trees along the front.

My mind brought up the what if’s. What if there is nothing left of his mind? What if he’s too frail to give us anything? What if we are too late and he’s dead?

“You, overthinking it?” Rouge got out of the car and stood beside me.

“Yeah,” I folded my ears down.

“We have to try.” She reminded me, folding her sunglasses and tucking them in her cream-colored handbag.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, gathering my strength and resolve. Together we went to the front door. I made the mistake of trying to open the door without hitting the entrance button and set the alarms off. Rouge rolled her eyes at me as she got the button for me.  

The place smelled of age, medication and oatmeal. A human nurse behind the oak desk widened her eyes when she recognized us.

“Are… are you Sonic?”

I blushed, it had been a while since I had met someone this excited about my reputation as a hero. But then again, it seemed that the Mobian population was a bit more chill about my existence. 

She was tall and awkward, dressed in blue scrubs. Her name tag said, Ella, LPN. She had to bend over fully when she made her way over to us and shook my hand, “What brings you here, sir?”

“We are here to visit… a friend.” I struggled to lie.

Ella didn’t seem to notice or care, “Who would that be?”

“We are old friends of Anthony Ions. Could we visit with him?”

“Yes, I can go get him for you. I’m sure he would love to have visitors. None of his family ever comes by.”

I squinted my eyes wondering if he was just as much of a piece of shit in his old age as he was when he poisoned my husband.

Ella took off and Rouge and I settled into the awkwardness of being surrounded by elderly. Many of whom didn’t know who we were or even gave a shit.

Anthony rolled into the lobby on a motorized scooter. We recognized him by the shape of his eyes, sharp almonds. He kept that same too clean hair cut he had in that picture. As soon as his grey wrinkled face met us, I saw something I didn’t expect. Resignation, “I knew this day would come.” He adjusted in the chair and looked back at Ella, “Can you let us out. I think our conversation would be best handled in the courtyard.”

She looked up at us to see what we thought. I nodded in agreement with Anthony.

Every muscle in my body wound tight as she dialed the code and sent us on our way. I could feel my claws poking holes inside my gloves as I clenched my fists. It was weird, between the anger and desperation. Between knowing that he was my husband’s murder and seeing how old and frail he was. What was I even going to do at this point?

The courtyard was just a simple square of grass with a single bench and a tree in the middle. The sidewalk bordered the courtyard and the parking lot we stopped in was just on the other side. Anthony rode down the entrance ramp and over to the sidewalk of the courtyard. He sat watching the wind blow through the leaves of that solitary tree. We simply stood behind him.

“Is Shadow dead?” He asked.

“Not yet, you asshole!” Rouge hissed.

“He should have been if the Killswitch worked.” His voice held so little emotion.

“He’s my husband. You murder!” I was shaking with rage.

Anthony turned the scooter around, “If you want to kill me, go for it. I have no reason to blame you for your anger. I’m at peace with the consequences of my actions.”

“Is that all you have for us? Couldn’t you give us some idea of how to stop it? He’s still alive, we could find a cure, or something. Please.” Rouge paced, struggling to look either one of us in the eye. Her wings folded in like they could break under the stress she put on them.

Anthony gave a small smile under tired eyes and enough wrinkles to smother his expression, “You thought that I took the time to consider a cure?”

“He doesn’t deserve to die like this,” Rouge pleaded, her teal eyes begging for answers, “Do you know all he has sacrificed to protect this planet? The people in it? All the shit humans like you put him through?” She jabbed a finger at him as she turned from desperation to rage.

“He should have never been created. He is an aberration. His very existence goes against the nature of the universe. I never would have considered that he would make friends, let alone get married.” His thick eyebrows turned down, and his lip drew up in disgust.

“He’s not a monster.” Rogue's ears pulled back.

“I’m not saying he is. But he’s always had the potential to be.” He said darkly.

“What is your deal, you geriatric sack of shit?!” I lost my cool. I found myself taking a battle stance. Rouge was too caught up in her own spiral to notice.

“Shadow was dangerous, he’s always been. As long as he exists, he is a potential tool for Black Doom. I would have killed him outright if GUN wasn’t so trigger happy.” His voice dripped with conviction. He was no longer an elderly man to me, all I saw was a monster.

I ripped my gloves off and tossed them on the ground, feeling the blades of my claws full and ready to tear his throat to shreds. I pulled my arm back, my muscles screamed for action. Anthony showed no ounce of fear.

“STOP!” Rouge stepped in front of me, “He’s not worth it.”

“I want him dead. I want him to suffer.” I pushed against Rouge, her body pressed against mine to keep me from moving. I could have mowed her over. I could have fought her with the same fury I had for Anthony. But instead, I collapsed into her arms.

“You wouldn’t kill. That is not you. Shadow wouldn’t want you to sacrifice your values for him.” She said into my ear, our faces pressed together as she helped me ground.

“I’m sorry. It’s what had to be done. I never wanted anyone to suffer for this. Especially you.” His voice revealed a cold, bone chilling, regret, “His healing factor must have been more powerful than I measured for. The best thing that you two can do now is keep him comfortable. I trust that he’s in good hands.”

“Is that it? You’re just going to tell us all we can do is accept what’s happening?” Her voice cracked as she looked back at him.

He gave no response.

The silence surrounding us could have choked. And I wished it could choke me. It was only Rouge’s embrace that kept me from falling into another bout of panic.

The wind rustled through the trees, the birds sang, all unaware and detached from the intense sorrow and hopelessness we shared.

Anthony looked at us one last time, revealing his world weary, brown eyes. He said not another word and returned to the facility.

Rouge lost her composure all together and sobbed into my shoulder. For once, I had someone who shared the pain I felt. Heart to heart, two souls wracked in grief, longing for some form of relief that would never come.  

            …

The drive home held a deep melancholy. Rouge could barely hold it together; she held most of her emotion behind those oversized sunglasses. Halfway home she broke the silence, “You don’t mind if our family stays with you guys for a while?”

“We really don’t have the room.” I admitted, fighting my own tears.

“If nothing else, I will crash on the couch and Knuckles and the kids will just come and go. I just… I can’t be away from Shadow. Not if he’s that bad off.”

“We can do our best to accommodate.” I flattened my lips.

If nothing else, it just felt good to know that someone else felt the loss as much as I did. She may have had a better head on her shoulders than I did, but it was seeing that tear that snuck past the sunglasses that reminded me that I am not alone.

…

As word spread about Shadow’s condition, the house became over filled with friends. The Chaotix, Whisper and Tangle, Blaze, and even Silver took a break from hero duty to stop by. Shadow wasn’t a people person like me, but his whole personality had fully changed. While he remained lucid he cherished every person, with sad eyes and a smile that could be a nightlight in the dankest tunnels. There were so many hugs and kind gestures. Seeing him in this state was sickening.

I remembered the fiery hybrid I fell in love with. With only a few words he could turn someone’s blood into ice. With a glance he could make my heart skip a beat. He kept me on my toes, at times not knowing what he wanted more, to kiss me or kill me.

The hedgehog the disease made him into, I still loved. I loved seeing him happy, at peace, seeking comfort from friends in a way that he refused to do most of his life.

Shadow was soft, gentle, patient and kind.

As he looked at me with those fading eyes, I wondered if this was it.

Was this his final form?

Shadow beckoned me to the couch with him, and as we usually did, I folded in and pressed my ear against his chest. Every time I listened to that heartbeat now, I counted.

How fast did it beat? How many could I get to before I lost count or lost interest? How much longer could I listen to it?

These were moments I clung onto, the way his fur still felt so soft against my face, the warmth of his chest, the feeling of his breath on the top of my head, blowing and tickling my ears, making me twitch them.  

The question was on constant repeat, how much longer?

Though while these fleeting moments passed, they were sweet all the same.

            …

Once again, Shadow and I were caught in the throes of our newfound codependency. I couldn’t leave his side, and it seemed he couldn’t leave my side either. I would baby the hell out of him, and he would baby me. Between him smothering me in affection and I acting as his repertoire for the memories he continued to struggle with, we couldn’t even take a breath without the other one being present. Nothing else existed outside of each other. It may have not been healthy, but we enjoyed every minute of it.

Shadow and I shared lunch together, nothing special, just chips and sandwiches at the kitchen table. The mood was melancholic as I struggled to keep my head above the waves and Shadow struggled to keep his mind from slipping back into that regressive memory loss.

Knuckles had made himself home here since Rouge decided to bunk with us. Our house now had a revolving door where people would come and go as they please and spend time with Shadow, I and the kids as they desired. While we were sulking over our bland lunch, Knuckles helped himself to our fridge. The contents of it were now full of treats and snacks for everyone who came.

The echidna picked out a bag of grapes and eyed us with those violet irises. I could see the wheels turning in his head. He stared at us until it became uncomfortable. Shadow was starting to bristle at the seeming challenge that the echidna's gaze was giving him.

Knuckles looked down at his bag of grapes while he popped a handful in his mouth. Then he peeled the ‘sell by’ sticker off the bag and walked over to Shadow, sticking it to his forehead.

Shadow’s eyes glazed with annoyance in a way I hadn’t seen in what felt like weeks, “Really?” Shadow put his sandwich down so that he could flip Knux the bird.

Shadow turned his head towards me, and I saw the date on the white sticker.

August 28^th

I wanted to crack. Why would Knuckles do that? I was having a hard enough time as it was and it was like he was making fun of the fact that Shadow was dying.

Knuckles saw our reactions and smiled. I could see a hint of world weariness in the glint of his violet eyes, “I’m just tired of the mellow drama. I wanted to lighten things up a bit.”

“How is that supposed to lighten things up?” I fumed as Shadow removed the sticker off his head. He held the sticker on his thumb and acknowledged the date on it.

“I’ve had to learn how to make light of the darkness. Life sucks, death is inevitable, I’ve seen enough of it to know. I spent years, isolated on Angel Island surrounded by the remains and reminders of my people’s genocide. At some point you learn to laugh at it.” Knuckles beamed with a wisdom I didn’t typically see of him.

 “I can respect that,” Shadow returned to his sandwich.

I buried my head in my arms on the kitchen table. My appetite was gone. That seemed to be happening a lot.

…

“Sonic…babe..” Shadow’s voice strained, yanking me out of my slumber.

His tone made my heart turn cold. My eyes shot wide. 

When my eyes found his, all I saw was straight agony. It was like I was watching him drown.

His brow turned up and his rubies pleaded for help, “I… I can’t move.” 

“What do you mean?” My voice quivered. 

“I.” He struggled for breath, “I literally can’t move.” 

I shook my head and sat myself up, wanting to believe that it wasn’t true. Then I pulled the covers away. 

Every muscle in his body was locked up, tensed and shaking. I tried to help him adjust onto his back, but he winced and hissed.

“Everything.” He gasped, “Hurts.”

“I’ll call Tails. We can fix this. It’s going to be okay, honey.” I did my best to hide my panic, but it still slipped out into the edges of my words.

Of all times, I had never seen him so broken. This was a creature that I had seen pushed to his limits on a regular basis. There was always that flicker of fight left in him, even when he was suicidal. This was a whole new monster.

Even as I was on the phone with Tails, I watched Shadow strain against the muscle contractures only to fall deeper into that all-consuming despair.

Tails said he would be by as soon as he could with a new treatment. It wasn’t likely it was going to work, Shadow would need to go back to the PICC line.

Shadows eyes glossed over with unshed tears.

The best recommendation Tails could give us while we waited for the treatment was for Shadow to soak in a warm bath. If nothing else, it would help ease the muscles and hopefully relax them.

“It feels…Like I’m covered…In hot needles.” Shadow hissed each word out.

I hung up. I felt that fuzzy feeling again, the kind that made me feel like I wasn’t on the ground or in my body, but I was still in control.

Control. That word echoed through my mind as I looked over my writhing husband.

Just focus on the task. A warm bath, relax the muscles, maybe we still have some Epsom salt. Shadow would like it if I used the lavender bubble bath. Anything to ease his pain, anything…

“I’ll get the bath water running. We will fix this, okay.” Was I reassuring him, or myself?

Shadow never said a word, but his eyes spoke volumes of his pleas for help. Shadow wasn’t one to ever ask for help, not even in a non-verbal sense.

Everything was automatic. I moved without much thought. But as I poured the salt and bubble bath into the tub, something clicked.

Like when we did that training spar, I could use my imagination. We could pretend that this was just an act of romance. I could light some candles and soak in the tub with him. It wouldn’t just feel good for him, it would feel good for me.

Soon the bathroom was filled with the warm comforting scents of all of Shadow’s favorite flowers, lavender, lilac, and rose. The candles flickered light that danced along the walls and transported me to our wedding night. Once the bath was ready, I scooped Shadow up in my arms and carried him into the bathroom, bridal style, the same way he did to me the night of our wedding.

Shadow seemed to relax in my embrace in spite of him still struggling to breathe. I settled him down into the warm water and the floral scented bubbles parted around him. As soon as I had him down, I got in behind him, using my body to support him.

He laid his head back against my chest. My limbs felt numb as I sank deeper into the fuzz.

This was just a romantic evening; I lied to myself. This was just us enjoying a night together. I’m taking care of him after a rough battle. That’s all. Everything will be fine.

I slipped my arms under his ridged arms and wrapped them around his chest. Then I rested my head on his, letting my lips brush against his ear.

I let the warmth of the water ground me, ever so slightly, “Remember when you came home, and you had been in an explosion? Egghead managed to get you in his line of sight and managed to give you some serious third-degree burns. I was giving you chamomile and aloe baths for a couple of days.”

“I remember that.” He sighed. His muscles loosened ever so slightly.

I allowed my muscles to relax as well as I sank deeper into the water, “Remember when you found me in the arctic, almost dead from hypothermia? When we got home, you used your body heat to warm me up, and once my body was warm enough to not go into shock, you got me in the warm water and took care of me.”

“That’s a memory I can’t find.” He nuzzled deeper into my chest. His muscles still shook but they eased even more.

“How are you feeling, honey?” I asked, letting a faint glow of hope gain some life within me.

“A little better. I can breathe at least.” I felt that breath turn my moist fur cold.

What little bit of a smile that had formed on his face disappeared, “Could you dip my head in the water? I would like to get my quills submerged. Put me as deep in the water as you want.”

What did he mean by that? I furrowed my brow but then caved to the fuzz once more.

Just a bad day. Recovering from a bad battle. Everything will be fine. We will fix this.

“Sure honey. Anything you want.”

As I said those words, his face faded into peace. He melted in my arms and his tense muscles unwound even more.

I scooted myself back to give him more room, cupping my hands under his head, letting my fingers burrow in his mess of quills.

He closed his eyes, and every bit of tension left his face, “I love you so much, babe.”

I brought his head down, slowly into the water, letting it lap up around his ears, “I love you too.”

As I brought his head deeper into the water, he gave one big exhale.

The water was around his face, his eyes sinking just under it. Then it was only his nose above the water.

He didn’t inhale.

Everything went cold and numb.

I pulled him back up above the water and felt the wave of shock radiate through me.

            Wha.. what.. what was that?

I sucked in air into my lungs and pulled Shadow back up to my chest.

He burst into tears, sobbing into my peach fur.

“No, honey. It’s okay. We are going to fix this. It’s going to be okay.” I gripped him just a bit too tightly.

As I did, it was like I was witnessing my life flash before my eyes. Not just my life, but our life together. Every battle, every victory, every moment of tenderness and love.

I scratched my fingers through his quills and continued to try and comfort the both of us. There had to be a solution. There had to be some way out. It was killing us both. 

Shadow still couldn’t move by the time Tails showed up. I got him to bed and toweled him off while Tails worked on getting everything ready.

Monitor his vitals.

Prepare the PICC line.

Tails brought up tests again. He needed Shadow to come into the clinic so they could get a clear idea of where the disease was at, adjust strategy, new medications… the works. 

My ears hummed the entire conversation. I couldn’t bring myself to be a part of it.   

I just kept replaying over and over again in my head the way he looked in the bath. The way his quills splayed into the water, the loving look in his eyes before he closed them. There was something in the experience, something darkened, something I refused to fully see.

Shadow had me up against a wall, and he winked at me as the brambles he planted at the beginning of this wrapped around my neck. Thorns were now digging into my throat. And…. He winked at me.  

Once again, the bedroom was a hospital room. The hums and beeps of monitors, the bitter smell of medicine.

And something wild in Shadow’s eyes that grew by the passing day.

It seemed at this point that our friends had made the assumption that his time was coming soon.

Between all of them, they juggled the kids for me. Even Amy got to have a bit of a break.

            I did nothing…

That bed was all I knew, laying next to my dying husband, feeling like I was on the verge of a solid mental break. Any attempts to comfort myself only furthered the cracks. The only thing that helped me through was the numb.

Tails would give Shadow his daily treatments and each day Shadow’s condition improved. That fox would bother me, ask me to get out of the room, eat, do anything to take care of myself. It felt like he was asking me to roll boulders up hills.

“The treatments are still working. It’s not over yet.” He sighed at me, his eyes heavy and weary.

I had no response. Anything I had to say would make it worse, and little bro was already distressed about this enough.

I regretted saying that I felt like I was the only one suffering to Amy. Truly, we all were.

I myself however, was ready to give up.

 

And Shadow? In those days of attempting to recover, he missed the mark entirely of comforting me. It seemed the experience of temporary paralysis fractured his mind entirely. And I didn’t blame him for one bit. Shadow was always about control and autonomy. Something he had to fight for since the day he came into this world. I couldn’t imagine how harrowing of an experience it was.

But those wild eyes grew, and twisted pain behind them. And even as he would fall out of lucidity, something still tethered him to some motor that kept him running in that same direction.

What I didn’t know, was that the gears and motors in his mind, were planning.

            …

On the third day of treatment, Shadow took delight in having his mobility back. I watched him flex his joints with ease, even pace the room. But that wild look never left his face.

“How long before it happens again,” He wondered out loud as if speaking to the walls.

“I don’t want to think about it.” I groaned, sitting on the bed.

He looked back at me from standing at the foot of the bed, his eyes darting before landing on me and softening slightly, “We don’t have any more time. I can’t put it off anymore.”

“Please don’t do what I think you are about to do.” I gritted my teeth in anticipation.

“Sonic, babe, I can’t live like this, you know that. You know me.”

I folded in, a sad attempt at hiding, “What are you trying to say?”

I didn’t see it but I heard the sound of a box being pulled out from under the bed. The scrapes and scratches of plastic tubs, the click of a lid opening.

“Babe? We can’t keep pretending it isn’t happening. I wanted to protect you. It’s unavoidable, I’ve already caused you and everyone else so much pain. It’s to a point where I wish I was already dead.” I heard his voice crack, “I need to make things right. Tie up my loose ends. I’m ready for this to be over with.”

He didn’t say another word. He left me in the void between fear and curiosity.

What was it he pulled from underneath our bed?

When I looked back up at him, he had a smile and eyes like agony. And in his arms, he held several pleather bound journals.

            My heart skipped a beat.

“There’s my guy,” He sighed with a hint of relief, “Come on, I’m holding your hand through this. I know you’re strong enough to take it.”

My eyes overflowed with tears at those words, the finality in his voice.

He laid out the books, each one held a unique design, all pictures of space, planets and stars. All but one that had a dragon on the cover.

“I’ve been working on these since the diagnosis. I didn’t want to tell you because, I didn’t want to crush your hope. I like you optimistic and naïve.” He gave a half smile as his eyes relaxed, “They are journals for the kids. I left them messages that I thought would be useful to them as they grow up. I may not be there to be their father, but at least I can give them some guidance from beyond the grave.”  Even he was crying at this point as he smiled down at his hard work.

“What’s this one?” I grabbed the book that had a dragon on the front.

I opened the book. In Amy’s big swirly handwriting was the words.

            Funeral Plans.

“You…you and Amy were planning this without me?” I choked.

“I couldn’t wright anymore. I needed help and I didn’t think you had it in you to hear me out at the time.”

            I read down the list.

            No casket, keep it as natural as possible.

            Flower bouquets, lilies and lavenders.

            A bush or tree of Sonic’s choosing instead of a grave marker.

The list continued but I couldn’t continue reading.

“I deserved to know. You kept this from me.” I cried.

“It was for your own good.”

“And let me guess, you dying is for my own good?” I seethed.

Silence.

Then he settled down onto the bed, “I guess while I am bludgeoning you, I should be honest about everything.

He and I faced each other on the bed but I refused to look at him.

“We are suffering. Everyone is. For as long as I breathe, I continue to cause this pain for everyone. I have nothing left to get out of this life. The sooner I am dead,” He took a deep breath, “The sooner you can start healing. I’m ready for this to be over with. I’m keeping my promise, I am just waiting for you to give me permission to go.”

            “Then what? What happens?” My lips quivered as I looked up at him.

That wild look returned, “I’m going to kill myself.”

            “No…No..no,no,no,no… You can’t do this to me.”

“Shhhhh, it’s fine, babe.”

            “No it’s not. It’s not. You can’t, you can’t leave me like this…. I just…”

I remembered the way he looked at me in the bath. I remembered the tone he used when he told me he loved me.

            Shock flooded my system.

            “You… You wanted me to kill you.”

He smiled into those manic eyes, “Yes. I always thought dying by your hand would be a nice way to go.”

There it was, my mind snaped, shattered into a million little pieces. I scoured my head looking for a specific piece, anything that would make this make sense. To make it not be excruciating.

He’s suicidal… I’ve seen him suicidal before… He just needs to be convinced not to be… he just needs…

            No. I shook my head. Find another piece.

            I can fix this. There has to be some way I can.

            That one didn’t work either.

            I hate him.

The voice was so loud and jarring but it made sense. I followed it down the rabbit hole to see where it led.

He’s deliberately hurting me. He’s selfish. Suicide is inherently selfish. Can he see what he is doing to me? Can he see that this is not the answer?

            I didn’t like that train of thought either.

            RUN!

            This voice was even louder.

When I was a kid, that’s how I dealt with my problems. When things got hard or messy, I ran. No direction, no purpose, just running. But Shadow showed me that I could slow down and confront my issues head on.

Yes, Shadow could be problem avoidant. But when I am honest with myself. I was truly the avoidant one.

I could feel myself shrinking. My body felt smaller. I felt smaller.

            RUN! My legs twitched.

*            RUN! And never look back.*

*            Go, escape, never return.*

I shot from the bed, avoided Shadow’s gaze and bolted out the door.

Friends, family, people who cared about me and Shadow. They held no meaning to me anymore as they caught my wind.

I was gone out the door before any voice could stop me. Not even my own.