Yes And

“No, that’s not right.” Shadow wouldn’t do that. It had to be an accident. Sonic’s brow knitted and he looked down at his empty plate. “Shadow wouldn’t just do that.” He could, but he wouldn’t. His fists balled. He wouldn’t, right?

“I thought so too, but once Tails was patched up, he refused to give me any details. Rouge tried to get Shadow’s side, but she said he was light on details too. Knuckles healed Tails fast enough that there wasn’t any permanent damage, thank Chaos.”

“Wait, Knuckles healed him? He can do that?”

“You didn’t know? I thought you were able to use your chaos energy to heal.”

“Yeah, but just, like, me. Not anyone else. Or at least, I haven’t tried it before.” Wow, Knuckles, huh? That could be a handy trick. Maybe he should ask for some tips next time he saw Knux. Back in the day Knux had been trying to lecture him about chaos energy. “Tails never mentioned any of this to me.”

Amy sighed. “After Shadow apologized to Tails, both seemed to be fine with letting the matter be. Tails was busy sorting through the Death Egg schematics they’d found and Shadow disappeared until it was time to rescue you.”

“I guess if Tails is okay with it, then its fine. I mean, he was talking to Shadow this morning about Omega. Still, it just feels weird. Shadow’s always so in control.” But that’s war, isn’t it. A long string of things you’d rather forget. A long string of things you regret. At least they all made it through. That’s what he should focus on. Everyone was safe.

“Shadow really struggled with your absence. It was actually pretty scary sometimes.” Amy gaze wandered to the middle distance. “We were all struggling. It was like the sun had gone dark.”

Sonic shifted in his chair. ‘All these frowns are your fault.’

Amy’s focus returned and she brightened. “But now you’re back and everything is better! She was just trying to make him feel better. Why couldn’t he just feel better? Ugh, this was all so messy. He had the feeling at the base of his spine again. The urge to run away. Why did he only know how to solve problems with speed and distance? His leg started to bounce.

“If you’re concerned about how Tails feels about you and Shadow, you should just ask him.” Easy for her to say. Amy could talk to anyone about anything. She was also right.

“Its really annoying how right you are about everything all the time, Amy.” He smirked, playfully.

She grinned back, leaning to the side and placing a hand on her chest. “Someone has to be, right? Might as well be me.” Sonic laughed. “But we keep getting off topic, mister. I’m thrilled that you and Shadow have finally admitted your feels for each other. It was getting exhausting watching the two of you run circles around each other.”

“Tails said something similar. I mean, yeah, I’ve had a thing for Shadow for a while,” literally since I met him, “but I never thought he was into me.” They were rivals, sure. Always pushing the other to be faster, stronger. Shadow had probably kicked him in the head more than Metal at this point.

Amy gave him a concerned look. “You’re kidding right? You and he flirt all the time. Me and Rouge kept a tally for awhile on the number of sexual innuendos you threw at each other but there were so many we lost track.”

Was it that obvious? Bantering with Shadow was just fun. Teasing Shadow until he got flustered and riling him up until Shadow tried to beat the shit out of him (if he could catch Sonic). Wait, no…no, yeah, okay.

“Do you think Shadow thought I was flirting with him?”

“No.” Amy deadpanned. Crap.

“Look,” Amy continued, “none of that matters any more. You’ve gotten past the part of the romance movie where you pine and banter and then finally confess. You’re now in the good part of just being together. The happily ever after!” Amy put her hands on her cheeks and hunched her shoulders. “You do want to be with Shadow, right?”

“Yes.” Sonic said empathically and without hesitation. Yes, more than he’d wanted anything else ever.

Amy opened her arms, her hands out flat. “Then you need to be honest and tell Shadow that you don’t remember last night.” Ugh, why was the answer always communicate. Express your feelings, Sonic. Stop running away, Sonic. Why couldn’t Amy understand that Sonic and Shadow’s love language was racing, sparing, and pun-filled banter (or disgusted groans for Shadow’s part)?

“Ah,” Sonic smiles cheekily, “but what if I just didn’t?” Perfect plan, A+, no notes.

“Sonic…”

“It was just sex, right? Its not like it was important.” Come on, dude, even for lying to yourself that was bad. Shut up, Sonic. No you shut.

“It was the first time you two had sex, Sonic. That means something. The longer you take to tell him, the worse it’s going to be. You know how sensitive Shadow can be.”

“Why does everyone say that?”

“And if you don’t tell him yourself, he’s going to be really hurt when he figures it out on his own.” Really, terrifyingly pissed more like.

Sonic opened his mouth to retort but closed it again. Shadow was smart enough to figure it out. He’d figured out the whole ‘turn into a monster at night’ thing a couple of years ago the moment he laid eyes on Sonic in his beast form. “Okay, I’ll tell him.”

“Okay, where is your phone.”

“Not now!”

Amy leaned forward, her eyes hardening. “You came here for my advice, right? Well, here it is. Get out your phone and be honest with the man you love.”

Sonic looked away, lowering his ears. “What if he’s mad at me after?” Oh man, you know what would hit the spot right about now? Going for a run. He’d just pop out and never finish this conversation. He stood.

“Sit down.” Sonic sank back into his seat. His foot tapped out a staccato on the leg of his chair.

Amy sighed. “That’s the risk, but I promise this is better. Relationships are all about vulnerability. You give the other the rope to hang you with and you just have to trust them not to.” Amy crossed her arms. “The risk of hurt makes the sweetness all the better.” Way to sell it Ames…

Sonic swallowed. Damn it, Amy was right. Well, that was why he came here anyway. But Shadow was going to be so pissed. He probably would disappear for awhile off to wherever he goes. Sonic could probably track him down. There wasn’t much going on (expect for whatever Eggman was cooking but Tails was probably figuring that out no need to pay attention until there were robots to smash). He even knew a few of Shadow’s hiding places. Then Sonic could apologize in person and they’d have make-up sex. Oh, that’d be pretty awesome actually.

“You’re right Amy!” Sonic smiled and Amy gave him a knowing smirk.

“Of course, I am.” She tossed her quills.

Sonic took out his phone. He had several new messages. None from Shadow.

[Danger Lady]: tell shadow to call me its important!!!!!

Sonic had enough sense to ignore Rouge’s request. He didn’t quite get what Shadow and Rouge’s whole deal was (friends? roomates? How’d the robot play into it?), but he knew getting between the two of them was a bad idea.

He had several large blocks of text from Tails that he scrolled past without reading. Three dots indicated that Tails was still typing. His ears drooped and he typed out a response.

TO [Lil’Bro]: I’m at amy’s. I’ll come by after, okay? See you soon, bro.

The reply came quickly.

[Lil’Bro]: okay, see you soon

[Lil’Bro]: sorry about the wall of text. I’ve been freaking out a bit

TO [Lil’Bro]: It’s all good, bro. its my fault for running off. sorry

“Oh!” Sonic suddenly remembered something. “Amy, can I borrow a sheet? Like for a bed?”

Amy tilted her head, her face scrunching in confusion. “Uh, sure. Fitted sheet or flat sheet? Queen, full?”

Sonic looked at her blankly. “Yes.” He said.

Amy laughed. “Okay, I’ll go get it.” She disappeared further into the apartment.

Sonic put his phone down, but it dinged and he snatched it back up. His pulse quickened. It was Shadow! His pulse sped up and his other leg joined in on the frantic tapping.

[Shads🖤]: Did you mean what you said to me last night?

His fingers flew across the screen.

TO [Shads🖤]: sure did dude

Wait a sec…

Amy returned with a pile of linens. “Let me find a bag for these.” She rummaged in a close by the front door and retrieved a canvas bag.

[Shads🖤]: When can I see you?

Sonic held his breath, suddenly paralyzed. Now. He wanted to see Shadow right now. And tomorrow and yesterday and every moment after and before. Oh boy, might want to take a step back.

Amy took his empty plate and put the canvas bag in its place. Sonic looked up from his phone. “Shadow texted me.”

“Oh boy! Now, don’t be like me and ruminate to long on what to text back. Believe me, I’ve spent a lot of time writing and rewriting messages. What matters is that you say what’s in your heart.” She covered her with both hands.

“I already replied.”

Amy snorted. “Well, you could think about it a little bit. Can I see? If you don’t mind?” Amy leaned over the breakfast bar.

Sonic slid his phone over.

Amy’s curious expression darkened. “Sonic the Hedgehog! You said you didn’t remember last night at all.”

“Well, yeah that’s true. But I know I wouldn’t lie to Shadow, so whatever I said, I know I meant it.”

Amy’s shoulders slumped and she shook her head at him. “Shadow is not going to appreciate the nuance, Sonic. He’s going to think you lied to him. You did just lie to him!”

Sonic laced his fingers behind his head. “I think you’re really underestimating Shads, Amy.”

“Weren’t you just about to tell him about your memory loss?”

Ah crap, that’s right. Sonic bit his lip. He looked out the window. It was pretty late already. And he’d promised to go to Tails’ place next. When can I see you again?

Sonic snatched up his phone. “Okay, I’ve got it. This is better.” He’d tell Shadow in person. That was always better. And if he didn’t confess…well there was always the time after that. Yeah, solid plan.

TO [Shads🖤]: tmmr?

The reply came nearly instantly.

[Shads🖤]: That’s acceptable.

TO [Shads🖤]: sweet! It’s a date! deetz soon 😘

Now he just needed to plan an awesome date. How hard could it be? Amy always made it look easy. “I’ve got a date tomorrow.” He pumped his fist.

“Tomorrow! That’s hardly any time, Sonic.” Amy exclaimed, aghast.

Sonic laughed. “Come on Ames, its loads of time.”

“What are you going to wear? Where are you going to take Shadow? How are you going to get reservations on such a short notice? How are you going to get there? What are you going to do? Dinner and a movie? Which movie then? Romantic walk through a park? Which park and what time has the best lighting?” Amy counted the unanswered questions on her fingers.

“I think you’re really overthinking this, Amy.”

“I think you’re not thinking enough, Sonic.”

Sonic frowned. He didn’t like most of the things Amy listed. Restaurants and slow walks weren’t really Sonic’s speed and Shadow didn’t really like crowds.

And there was the issue that Shadow wasn’t exactly popular with the public. The mess with the Phantom Ruby was strike three for times when Shadow was accused of trying to end the world and he’d only been guilty of it the first time.

Sonic snapped his fingers. “I’ve got it!”

---

4 Months Earlier

“With the destruction of the Death Egg Robot, large scale operations are officially over. Existing companies will be divided into small skirmish units to address the reports coming in of groups of randomly marauding robots.” Knuckles gestured at the large display. “It’s clean up from here on out.”

The room was crowded with the leadership of the Resistance, but the air was light, almost euphoric. The months of hopeless gloom had evaporated almost completely. Shadow leaned against a wall towards the back of the room, his eyes closed, trying not to focus his senses on one particular heartbeat in the room.

Sonic, centered in the room, put his hands on his hips. “Clean up? Well, that’s my cue to leave.” This elicited a hearty laugh from those gathered. Shadow opened his eyes and gazed at the blue idiot. He clenched his teeth. Even two months after being sprung from captivity, Sonic’s ribs were still viable and the color of his coat was sickly. “I’m going for a run. Call me if any fun robots turn up begging for a smashing!” He gave a final wave and left the room.

Shadow looked at the floor as Sonic passed. Say something. Follow him. Fulfill your promise! But Shadow didn’t move. Sonic gone, Shadow looked up. The meeting had progressed to mundane matters regarding organizing cleanup efforts.

He locked eyes with Rouge and she gave him a deathly glare. Go after him! She mouthed, her fangs bared. You promised me!

Shadow gripped himself a little tighter, grunted, and looked away. It really was time. He had to tell Sonic how he felt. If he didn’t, there was no knowing what Rouge would do. This was his punishment for his conduct during the war. Confess his love to Sonic, get laughed at and rejected, and slink away to wallow in shame and self-loathing. Fucking hell, Rouge. She had done this on purpose.

He stood up from the wall and cast an eye over the crowd who were giving their attention to Amy. He locked eyes with Tails, but the fox looked away quickly, his ears pinning back against his skull. I’m sorry, too. Tails had said, I’m sorry for what I said and for being stupid. The guilt rose up like bile in Shadow’s throat, threatening to choke him. He left the room.

He needed to hurry. Sonic would be miles away already and the small trail of chaos energy he left in his wake would be fading rapidly. Shadow exited the command center into the late afternoon sunshine of an late winter day and stopped.

Surprisingly, silhouetted against the pink and orange sky, Sonic stood in the courtyard, staring out over an expansive vista of the ruined city beyond. His head was bowed, and his fists were clenched by his side.

“Sonic?” Shadow asked.

“It’s okay,” Sonic said without turning around. “I won’t fight. Just get it over with. I’m ready to go back.” His voice was hollow, lacking any of the mirth he had in the conference room.

Shadow frowned. “What are you talking about?”

Sonic turned. He was smiling, but it was a tired, sad smile and it wasn’t reaching his eyes. In fact, his teeth were gritted. “I said it’s fine. Just, you know, do what you’ve got to do.” What the hell was he talking about?

Shadow approached, his brow knitting in concern. “Are you alright?”

Sonic blinked and refocused on Shadow’s face as if only just now seeing him. He looked down at his hands and flexed them. “Haha,” Sonic rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah, sure, totally. It’s just, well, this is normally when things tend to go bad.” He was breathing heavily.

Shadow was unsure where this was going, and it made him feel increasingly uneasy. “I don’t understand. What do you mean ‘go bad’?”

“Everyday, I would get out, or at least I thought I got out, and things just went bad. Like really, really bad.” The panting was becoming gasps. Sonic was looking at the ground. His hands combed through his quills. “And I’m real tired, dude. I figured I’d just wait and maybe today Infinite would get bored and let me out early.” He had two fistfuls of quills and was pulling them, hard.

“What the fuck are you talking about? Infinite is dead!” Shadow grabbed Sonic’s arm and wretched it free. Sonic’s gaze darted up and Shadow stared into large green eyes with barely any pupil present. “Sonic, get a grip!” He snarled, with a bit more intensity than he intended.

Sonic pulled away and Shadow released him. Sonic’s arms wound around himself, hugging tightly. “Oh, shit, dude. I’m sorry. Don’t listen to me.” He smiled weakly.

Shadow searched his face, trying to understand what was going on. Sonic looked away. He was afraid, but where was the threat? That fear was familiar. With a cold realization, Shadow suddenly understood. It was memories. Sonic was afraid of his memories. Shadow felt himself deflate.

“Do you need to sit down?” Shadow gestured to stack of wooden boards, covered by a tarp, lying against a brick wall.

Without answering, Sonic approached the pile and slumped down. Shadow joined him, sitting closer than he normally would. He looked down at their hands nearly touching. It would be so easy to just place his over Sonic’s.

“I still struggle sometimes, to believe that this is real.” Sonic begun.

“Believing what is real?”

“This. Now.” He gestured widely. “That this isn’t just another illusion. Every day, I’d wake up in that tiny cell and every day I’d escape somehow. Sometimes I’d get out on my own, sometimes my friends would bust me out. Or you would. But I always got out, got back home, defeated Eggman. And then I’d go straight to hell.”

Sonic lowered his head. Shadow remained silent.

“He’d make me kill them.” Sonic said in a small voice. “Or they’d kill me.” His hands clenched into fists. “I’ve spindashed through Tails and Amy so many times its hard looking them in the eyes anymore. There was always so much blood. And then, right when I thought I’d go crazy from grief, I’d wake up in that cell and it would start all over again. I’d at least get a few minutes of joy knowing they were still alive.”

Shadow’s heart was pounding. He wished Infinite was still alive so he could kill him all over again. He knew Sonic was in a bad way after he had been rescued, but he’d bounced back so quickly. It was like he hadn’t even been gone and in just two short months they’d won the whole war. But this? Shadow hadn’t had an idea about this. As far as he knew, Sonic hadn’t told anyone about the six months he spent in Eggman’s hands.

Sonic looked up and leaned back against the wall. He laughed ruefully. “Infinite really didn’t have much of an imagination, if you can believe that. All the power of the Phantom Ruby and all he gave me was the same terrible day, over and over again. And I believed it was real, every single time.”

Shadow scoff, “That’s ridiculous. Even you are smart enough to know something that horrible couldn’t be real.” Fuck. He’s being vulnerable, stupid, quit being an asshole.

“I forced myself to believe it was real.,” Sonic said it with so little emotion, his eyes staring blankly off into the distance. “because I knew one day it would be. I didn’t want to have the doubt, you know? I didn’t want to have the chance that I’d think the real was actually fake. So, I just thought it was always real.”

Shadow was struggling to control his breathing. His spines wanted to tense, his heart wanted to give over into rage. He wanted to tear the world apart until he found and slowly flayed Robotnik alive. He wanted to be angry, to avoid the sickening guilt. Guilt that he hadn’t been able to rescue Sonic sooner.

A thought needled its way into his brain. He’d tried to convince Tails to bail from the facility that had the map to Sonic. If he had had his way, Sonic would still be trapped in that hell. Shadow’s pulse stuttered under the way of loathing he felt for himself.

You kill everything you love.

“I hope this is real though.” Sonic continued. “It’s so normal. Doesn’t seem like Infinite’s style, you know? Everything is going back to exactly how it was.” Sonic turned and gave Shadow a small smile.

Shadow’s rage quelled. Was this the moment? Sonic, I love you. I’ve loved you for years. I want to hold your hand and murder anyone who wants to hurt you. Say it. Open your mouth you pathetic fool and say it.

No, fucking hell, no. Now he can’t. What if his confession takes Sonic by surprise and he thinks it’s evidence that he hadn’t escaped the Phantom Ruby’s illusions. Gaia Below, fuck me! Shadow remained silent but met Sonic’s gaze.

“You want to know what’s really funny, Shads? I saw you the most.” Sonic’s voice cracked and he swallowed. “After awhile, it was always a duel to the death with you. And I stopped fighting. I just let you kill me. I got to feel your touch for a moment even if it was only while you were tearing my guts out.” Sonic’s eyes were dull and tired, but Shadow maintained eye contact even though Sonic’s words were riddling his insides with holes. “I guess Infinite figured that scenario was the one that hurt me the most.”

Why are you saying this? Why are you fucking saying this now? It’s not fair. This is not fucking fair, you stupid son of a bitch! I’m supposed to be confessing to you, not the other way around. Idiot! Shadow found himself utterly paralyzed. Too many thoughts warred in his head. It’s not fair. This isn’t fair!

When Shadow didn’t seem to react, Sonic grimaced self-consciously, looked away, and shot to his feet. “Shit, dude. I’m sorry. That was really weird, right?” He turned to look at Shadow and gave him a big, strained smile, his arms laced behind his head. “I’m in a really weird headspace right now. I don’t know why I even said anything. Just forget it. It was a joke. The War’s over now right? Everything goes back to normal, right? Back to how it was…” He turned to leave. “I’ll catch you around-“ One hand opened in a wave.

“Sonic-“ Shadow was speaking without any thoughts supporting his tongue. “I-“ His mouth was dry, his throat constricted.

Sonic turned and looked at him with curiosity. Now or never? No, not now. It could wait. It had to wait. It would be selfish to say anything now. Sonic needed time. He needed to heal. It would be cruel to spring a confession on him. Shadow was willing to wait. He had all the time in the world.

“You better get your shit together quick, because we haven’t raced in eight months and I’m dying to watch you eat my dust.” Shadow said mechanically.

Sonic gave him a half smile. “Sure thing, Shads.” He turned and was gone in a burst of air. Shadow covered his face with his hands, hiding himself from the dying sunlight.

After awhile, Shadow stood in the growing twilight. Sonic’s little trail of kicked up chaos energy had dissipated. He was long gone. Shadow crossed his arms against his chest and looked out over the ruined cityscape. Rouge would be pissed. She’d scream at him again, probably. Maybe hit him. But he’d happily take it because he’d been wrong and she’d been right.

Sonic loved him back.

A small smile was creeping along his face when his ear flicked as he heard someone exiting the building and approaching him.

He turned and was immediately punched in the jaw by a massive, chaos infused fist. He snarled at the pain and his quills flared. “What the fuck?” He summoned his chaos energy to retaliate, but it was strangely languid in his body.

“That’s for making Rouge cry, you asshole!” Knuckles raised his fists and lunged.

Shadow dodged and chaos snapped, attempting to roundhouse kick Knuckles in the back of the head, but he reappeared short of his intended position. He stumbled as he fell. “What?” He turned and Knuckles clocked him in the face again. Spots popped in his vision and the world blurred as his pupils dilated asynchronously.

“That’s for Tails!” The blow was more than physical. Within him, Shadow’s chaos energy, normally a barely contained blaze, guttered. What he could muster was busy patching up the concussion Knuckles had just given him. He coughed and spat a wat of dark purple onto the pavers.

“You always think you’re so tough, with your teleporting and flashy attacks, but you’ve got no idea how chaos energy even works. You wouldn’t know true chaos mastery if it punched you in the face.” Knuckles said as he attempted to punch Shadow in the face.

Shadow dodged and raised his fists. Whatever was going on with his powers didn’t matter. He didn’t need them to put the Echidna down.

Shadow pressed forward and the pair traded blows. Shadow could dodge, but every time he blocked, he felt his energy getting more and more out of hand. He was growing lightheaded and his stomach felt sick at the taste of his own blood. Somehow Knuckles was disrupting the chaos energy in his body. That was a concerning trick.

“I am so tired of dealing with your bullshit! Fucking stay away from Rouge! In fact, stay away from all of us! Wars over so I don’t have to hold back anymore. It’s time for you to pay!” Knuckles landed a massive blow to Shadow’s abdomen, pushing him back and making him stumble.

Him, the Ultimate Lifeform, on the back foot.

Are you going to let this insect disrespect you like this?

Shadow gasped. No, not now. Leave me alone. I’m not listening to you.

But it was too late. Without his chaos energy in check, the other part of him was creeping through. His vision was already tingeing, and the spectra of his perception was expanding.

Knuckles halted, his expression going from blood thirsty, to confusion, to disgust. “What the hell?” He growled.

Fine, fine, this was fine. He could finish this quick and get out of here. Then he could deal with…well the things he needed to deal with. Push it down, lock it away. Never let his guard down. Never listen to it.

He focused on the Echidna, dark power roiling though him, and launched forward with a haymaker.

Kill him.

“What the hell is going on?”

A hand caught his punch and Shadow immediately froze, but not before Amy, her feet braced, triceps taunt, was pushed back several feet. Behind her, Rouge was getting in Knuckles’ face. Amy’s eyes were full of concern. Concern for him. Not fear, not anger, not trepidation, not pity. Concern.

Filled with shame, Shadow’s vision returned to normal. Shadow relaxed his quills and his arm. Amy released his fist and he took a step back. “Shadow, are you okay?” She asked.

He turned away and crossed his arms against his chest. “He started it.”

“I was standing up for you!” Knuckles was telling Rouge. “I’ve had to listen to how much trouble that asshole has caused you for months!”

“Who do you think you are blaming me for your dick-measuring contest? I don’t need protecting Knuckles. I can handle myself just fine!”

“Everyone, please stop!” Amy turned to Rouge and Knuckles. “We’re supposed to be celebrating! We won! Isn’t that enough?”

Shadow realized how little he wanted to be there, clenched his chaos emerald with his quills, and disappeared.

Reappearing in a shady glade, miles away, he collapsed against a tree and curled in on himself.

He loved Sonic and Sonic loved him.

But he was still alone.